TheDarknessInsideYou's Diary

Entry One April 5th 2015

Quote for the day: Life's a bitch and we all know that. If it's easy then you're not trying.-Blue exorcist

Hey guys. I made this diary because there's a lot of stuff i need to talk about.

First, how was your day? I hope it was good. If it wasn't, i feel you man. I really feel you.

I made this in a short amount of time because... well... i feel like an asshole. I shouldn't be posting this stuff out for people to read. This is personal stuff. But i also cant keep it to my chest or i might just die. And not by accident.

I feel like my mom hates me. I know what you're gonna say, "It's just tough love." Well hear me out.

Everytime i mess up she has to point it out for a hour or more. We have bedbugs and i wanted to read so i got my books out of the bags we have and she threw out my matress, headboard, the frame of my bed, and my rug because of it. She said i wasted a thousand dollars just because i did what i wanted to. I didn't mean to mess up! Please believe me.

Today i think she broke my spirit. I can't feel anything other then sadness and pain. But feeling that makes me think I'm stuck up for feeling sorry for myself. I'm such a kissass. She told me i ruined Easter because i opened my Easter basket early without her. She wanted pictures of me with it. I told her i was sorry but she said she hated me and the basket was more for her because why should i get a basket when i don't believe in god? I cried in my room and she told me i was only thinking about myself. After that... i don't know.

I feel like a robot for pain. I unlocked her car door and she told me sarcastically thanks and i didn't know if i should believe her. Then she got mad at me and said i was worthless for not doing things right. I feel like she's right.

I feel like dieing, but then i bet she'll say I'm only thinking about myself. She told me i had no reason to cut because my life is "perfect." It doesn't feel perfect. It feels like a living hell. Then when i try to tell her my feelings she says im overreacting. I can't tell my therapist because mom just denies it and says im making things up for attention. Whenever i get sad she tells me "Don't cut yourself now, i can't pay for your mental hospital visits anymore." I'm tired of all the harassment.

And then i pretend to be someone I'm not. I make my friends laugh and smile because i wish i have what they have. All of them suffer from depression, but their parents help then with it. My dad isn't around at all, and mom doesn't help me at all. My close friend Amaya says she's tired of my mom being mean, but i don't know what to say about it. I tell my friends and they say it's unfair. I tell my grandma and my therapist and they say it's just an accident, that she "doesn't mean to".

Let me tell you, when a person is drunk, they tell the truth. 100%. Mom is drunk a lot. She tells me I'm a waste of her money and that I'm a stuck up bitch and only care about myself. Let me ask you this, how am i stuck up and only care about myself if i don't even care about myself? If i got hit by a car i wouldn't care. If i died I'd only care because if i did, my friends would be sad and my grandma would cry all the time. I don't want that to happen, thats the only reason I'm alive. My friends and the family members that care. Not my mom...

A lot of times mom puts her hands on me. She says i deserve it for my mouth. I only argue with her because she constantly tells me what a waste of space i am. I know im a waste of space. Stop reminding me. Once she left a bruise. I told her and she said "Yeah let's match bruises." Then when i tell her about it now she says that never happened. I don't think i deserve to get beat up. I only try my hardest and it's never enough.

That's another thing. Mom has OCD and a lot of the time she says i don't try enough. Yeah. I get it. She's a straight A+ student and im a B/C student, but I'm still passing. In fact im going into Honors english and Social Studies next year. I didn't know if i should believe her when she told me she was proud. Because when she gets drunk she'll tell me im a disappointment and she hates me. Then who do i believe? The drunk mom or the fake one? You tell me. I have no idea.

I always get grounded for not doing things right. That part i can understand, you know, you do something wrong, you get punished, thats it. But I've been grounded for five months before last friday. No phone, no friends after school, nothing. I get tired of it.

I'm also pretty sure she's slightly homophobic. She says "You're not Pansexual because that means you don't like any gender!" Or "How do you know you like girls? Do you imagine yourself having sex with them? Do you like making out with them?" I mean seriously make it stop. Im pansexual for a reason, if you don't know, pansexual means you don't care what gender the other person is. You look for personality, not looks. That's me.

Then she makes fun of me. My cousin comes over and she says "Oh guess what?! Ari's got a girlfriend! And she lives in Louisiana! How funny is that?!" Then they make fun of me for a while until i leave.
She also makes fun of me for being an atheist. She says "What do you think happens when you die? You know you're going to hell for not believing in God right? You're making your grandmother cry because you don't think there's a heaven after death." Let me tell you this, i only don't believe in God because if he does exist, he has a really fucked up sense of humor. He makes my father have nine other kids and has him forget about me, makes my soon-to-be stepfather leave, makes my mom hate me, and so on and so forth. Why should i believe in something so... bullshit? If you are a Christian, im sorry if i offend you. I'm not one of those "If you believe in God you fucking suck! You believe in nothing!!" Kinds of atheists. Im just like, "Hey, you believe in what you believe in, i believe in what i believe in, and we're cool. Cool?". That's who i am.

I actually believe in a plane of existence where we live in happiness forever. Once we die, we live in our happiest memories over and over. We hang out with everyone else and we live happily. It's sorta like heaven, but more realistic. There's no racial, sexuality or gender differences there. Everyone loves each other for who they are.
That's my afterlife. What's yours?

I think I've troubled you enough. Thanks for listening i guess...

~Ari