TheDarknessInsideYou's Diary

I'm an asshole

And a piece of shit. And a retard. And all of the above. I don't wanna be around my house if all I do is cause pain from my mom. Okay, so monday I broke my glasses and now my mom has to pay 400$ for them. I know we don't have the money for that, but I can't just go blind. She acts like all I ever do is mooch money off of her and I'm a spoiled brat who does nothing but sit on my ass and eat all day. First of all, I know I'm overweight, thanks for reminding me MOM. Secondly, it's not like I eat like, twenty cheeseburgers every day. I barely eat a whole lot of anything anymore because she keeps dropping hints about my weight, such as "Don't eat us out of house and home" and shit. It makes me feel like a piece of shit and I already have self esteem issues already. All I do at home is talk to you guys (the only real people I share this stuff with) and play the piano by myself because that's all I'm good at. And dancing, but only choreographed dancing. Mom even gets on me about my talents, saying no one gives a shit about my piano and it's annoying and saying another school's dance recital was way better then mine and I looked like shit onstage. I cried for a long time about that and she didn't even care.

She says I'm not actually depressed and that I'm just a narcissist and I only want attention from everyone. Mom, if that was true then I wouldn't be taking five different medications just for major depression. And she wonders why I'm depressed.

Back in seventh grade, I used to cut. It was mostly because she would drink all the time and call me a piece of shit and a waste of time, energy and space. When she found out she made fun of me, and whenever I was sad she would say "Don't go and cut now." It's bullshit! She kept telling me I had no reason to be depressed and I was a narcissistic fuck. I attempted suicide twice, I'll admit it. Once with my own medication (and that was bad because all it did was make me tired as fuck) and once where I almost cut myself to death. The first time failed, and the second time I chickened out of it. I feel like the only people that care are my five friends and my grandma, that's it. I'm glad they care, but they can't be here whenever mom shouts that I'm a piece of shit and I do nothing right. I don't let what she says about my piano skills get to me, because I know I'm a good pianist. My piano teacher said I was amazing, and I know I am. But I already hate how I dance, and when she told me another high school did way better then me, that broke my very soul. Like seriously, I felt like I couldn't do anything if I can't even dance. I try so hard to make her see I'm worth being her daughter but all she does is yell at me and complain about having to work two jobs just to feed me and all kinds of things that make me wonder why I'm even here. Why am I alive if all I ever do is ruin everything? Mom has even told me I was a mistake and she wishes she had her abortioned kid instead of me and all kinds of bullshit that make me just wanna jump off a cliff. I'm sorry I'm not good enough. I'm sorry I was the kid you never wanted to have. I'm sorry I fail at life. But I actually try.

All you do is sit on you ass and drink and emotionally abuse your daughter every day of her miserable life just so you can, what, feel better about yourself? Just so you don't feel like a piece of shit? Because one day i'm going to be eighteen and when I am I'm leaving, and I'll never talk with you again. And when you're finally sober and you actually realize what you've done, you'll be sorry you didn't take advantage of the child who wishes she had someone in her life that actually loved her. You ruined our relationship, and you wonder why I don't tell you I love you anymore. You wonder why I never say thank you. Because whenever you're actually happy, I know it won't last.

It's funny. When I was a kid, like maybe seven, mom started drinking because her mom died. She would drink and I would stay in my room and think "Oh she's drinking, she'll be fun and let me stay up late and hang out!". But then she would shout about how much I ruin her life and that I'll never do anything and it would... it would hurt. Really bad. And I would take it in silence because I didn't have any friends and I would think that it was nornal. But when I was in seventh grade I actually made friends, and when they came over and saw how my mom acted they would tell me downright that it wasn't normal. That I shouldn't take any of that.

The worst day of my life I think was my fourteenth birthday. My friends were going to stay the night the day before so we could celebrate at midnight, mom took me to a book store to buy some awesome books and everything seemed to be at the best. But then she started drinking. My friends and I were in my room, laughing and stuff and my mom just walks in and says "Oh hey, didn't you guys know that Ari cuts? Yeah, put that in your little friendship book." And then she just walked away. I cried in front of my friends, on the day before my birthday, because she just couldn't controll herself. And later that night, at exactly midnight, she ranted and raved about how I didn't deserve a birthday and she needed to drive everyone home because I was a dick and I shouldn't be happy. My friend Tyler's mom had to come over and convince mom to chill the fuck out. While that happened I went to Tyler's house (at the time he lived literally two houses away) and we sat in his living room while I cried and my friends tried to make me feel better, that I did deserve to have a birthday and they were glad I existed.

I had never felt so hopeless and useless before in my life until that very day.