TheDarknessInsideYou's Diary

My past I guess

I have five days until my bday, and I've been going through a mix of excitement but mostly vague awareness that I'm almost fifteen. I don't even feel like I'm about to be fifteen. It feels like just yesterday I was at the playground in elementary school, hanging out with my best friends (the shrubbery) and just thinking about dumb things like what I'll have for dinner and if I'll have any fun this year. I didn't care about having friends, I honestly didn't try to get any. Friendship to me seemed like a waste of my time. In second grade I made friends with a guy named Chase but I transfered back to my old school and didn't see much of him anymore, and after that I didn't really make any friends. I met Chastity in third grade, but we didn't become close friends until, like, fifth grade. Durring that space of time I hung out by three trees on the side of the playground and occasionally try and unearth a red object in the ground. I pretended I actually had friends and that they would play house with me as we pretended the bushes and extra branches that reached out from the fence (My school had a huge forest behind the playground, so the whole thing was surrounded in chain linked fence) were our house. I didn't name my 'Imaginary Friends' because I knew they weren't real. Why name something that doesn't even exist? They weren't even imaginary, I would just make up a bunch of voices in my head and argued with them... in my head. I never said a word at recess because people thought I was a socially awkward baby that would cry if you made fun of them too much.

It's hilarious when I think of what 'Playing' meant to me as a kid. In elementary, playing meant hanging out with ny favorite trees and walking all over the playground just because those trees would get on my nerves when I needed somebody to talk to and they didn't hold up their end of the 'Friendship Agreement.' Sometimes I took a brave attempt to hang out with other kids and play tag or whatever, but only on random chances to they let me play boxball with them and they alnost never play tag with me. I didn't mind, like I said friendship seemed like something that wouldn't last. Just like the relationship with my mom, and my almost step dad. I just choose not to get close to anyone from fear of getting hurt.

I will admit that I did bully some kids. I don't even remember any of it but I've read papers sent home from my teachers (Between the grades of Pre K to third grade) about me beating on kids and having temper tantrums. I even hit a teacher once. I felt really bad as I read them because I wanted to apologise to all those kids and that teacher. I felt like an asshole. So I guess a tiny part of me kinda didn't question why kids didn't talk to me or hang out with me.

They were afraid of me. And I didn't even remember why.

I guess after my step dad left I became subtlety hostile and I lashed out at people in the worst way. I went to a program called Three Wishes (not the one that gives you one giant wish when you're dying or whatever) and they tried to test me and see if I had a disability. But my first doctor left before his results could be analyzed, and TW wanted the actual doctor to read his results so they could be the most accurate. Long story short, my test was never finished and we're doing a retest right now. They almost have the results, so I'll know if I have some kind of disability.

I know I'm not in the best of health. I am overweight (I'm being serious, I weigh 275 pounds. I'm not just saying that like girls who are 130 pounds do.) I have major depression, I have issues that need BC (I don't have sex. Trust me, It's gross what it's actually for) and I have feliculitus of the scalp. Feliculitus is (I don't know if I've explained it) where any part of your body, mine being my scalp, gets sore and tender, scabs up and when the scabs fall off so does my hair. I have a thin spot of hair on the back of my head that over the past four years has grown back, but it's flaring up again so now I'm balding on one part of my bangs. I hate it, I hate all of it because I take four medicines a day and if I do have a disability, it'll probably go up to six. I mean, come on doctors. Three medications for major depression? I'm fine now! I don't need them anymore!

Sometimes I wish people would listen to me, then maybe my world would go round a lot better.