karl jacobs angst B)

new year new me

Tw: suicide, slight violence

It's mid-afternoon, on a perfect winter day, and Karl is laying on his bed. His phone is held to ear as Sapnap and him talk, simply enjoying each other's company. The evening sun is filling his room with a pleasant orange and the air has the wonderful after smell of rain. Wet trees and dirt, nature at its finest.

Sapnap is telling Karl about his childhood. How he traded cards with neighborhood kiss as cars drove by, and how he spent his nights listening to music under the stars. Karl listens with his eyes closed, trying to imagine what everything would have been like.

Karl treasures moments like these, when everything is calm and feels right in the world; though he does love those select chaotic moments. Karl hums to himself as Sapnap keeps telling him stories, it's a happy tune, short and sweet.

"So," Karl shifts the conversation as he finishes telling Karl about the time he made Dream sleep in his yard. "You got any good childhood adventures to talk about? Surely you have plenty."

Karl leans back in his chair. "Hm, let me think for a moment." Karl, ever the expressive one, looks at his wisps of his hair that dangles at his brow. He tries to think of a good story, one that isn't embarrassing or childish. It's at this moment that something occurs to Karl.

Karl has always been one to exist solely in the present. He has never cared much to reflect on his past, or to look forward and try to plan a future. No, he has always been happy to follow the waves of simple existence and enjoy everything as it happens.

So now as he looks back at his history for the first time he can think of; he realizes that nothing is really there. A handful of memories come to him, but almost everything from his childhood is just... blank. It feels like someone had taken a movie tape and edited out most of it.

Karl blinks, confused as to why he can't remember anything. 

"You still there?" Sapnap asks worriedly.

"Uh, yeah. Sorry, I zoned out for a sec." Karl feels weird. So much is missing and hes only just realized this now? Why hasn't this bothered him earlier? "I'm a little tired," he lies. He's not exactly sure how to tell Sapnap he has no stories to give him. "My mind is blanking out right now."

Sapnap chuckles airly.
"Maybe you didn't get enough rest. I suggest a nap will help?" He presumes.

Karl doesn't want to hang up, he's enjoying Sapnap's voice. But he figures that he really does need some sleep, maybe he'll remember more in the morning.

The call ends and Karl puts his phone face down on his nightstand. He looks up at his roof and squints. He tries to remember his childhood again but it doesn't work all he gets for his efforts is a small headache.

Giving up with a sigh, Karl stretches. His fingers interlock over his head and he bends his arms up high enough that his knuckles pop. He makes a noise of relief and rubs his eyes. He isn't that tired, but a nap does sound nice.

He thinks about his memory's strange gaps, and reassures himself that this is probably normal. He has lived a fairly unassuming life up until he started doing YouTube and streaming; it makes sense that his brain would simply forget about the same boring days that just repeated. He'll probably look back on this worry when he's an adult and laugh at how dumb he is. At how ridiculous it was that he got so weirded out by something so unimportation.

Still even as he drifts off, a sense of unease crawls down his spine.

Karl wakes up covered in a thin layer of sweat and shaky hands. His heart is racing and he can't move. He tries to remember what his dream was about, but what few whispers that are left of it slip through his fingers and leave him with only the sticky residue of fear.