Mysteries of myself

You always say

You say that I make your heart skip a beat
like a little boy skipping down the street
Who then falls on his face after seeing me
and stands up and skip away
But how can that be?

How can it be?
That your heart skips a beat for me?
My overactive mind says otherwise
Trying to convince me that the boy fell
But skipped away from my ugliness or creepy eyes
But what the hell?

Yes. What the hell?
I know my self-esteem fell long ago down the well
But if I know it's true
Why do I struggle to believe you?
Why is it?

Why is it?
That at times I love your touch
And often crave it so much
And other times I wish that you my love
Could just learn to wear a glove
A glove for protection from me and my horridness
But my goodness

My goodness
How I feel like utter bliss
How I feel so good in my own skin
How I love my bright blue eyes
How I think I look so good
Until I feel the need for a hood

Yes. A need for a hood
To cover up the scars and ugliness
To hide the darkness I posses
To keep you away from my dark mind
To make you hate my kind
Yes my kind

There is only one of my kind
The crazy, loud, overthinking, overbearing, stressed out, paranoid, dazed, freaky, mentally ill, kind
Yes that's me
Even though you try your best for me to see
That there is worth in me
You get through to me

Sometimes you get through to me
You make me feel and see
You show me the real reality
And not my mind's version
You make me see my specialty
You make me feel like I deserve to walk on a rug made of persian
You would do or say a thing

Whatever that thing
It makes my mind go ding
And there it is.
The reminder that my reality is this;
I
Am
Loved
And not just by you
Yet this 3 words will forever be true

I am worth more than I thought
I am hell fire
My self hatred should be naught
My self love should be bigger than an empire
I am worth more than I feel
And with that reality I should deal.

You always say
I always pray
And sometimes
I feel
Sometimes
I believe
And one day
I'll forever feel that way