Fire starter (Ana X Bucky)

28

(Bucky POV)

It's been a month. A whole damn month.

"James" Her voice has been annoying me more than anything recently. She snaps her aged fingers to get my attention. "JAMES" You can tell by her hands she writes a lot. Maybe even works with her hands off hours. I can see her doing something with art, maybe pottery.

"Yea" I look up to see Doctor Raynor squinting her eyes at me. She says she doesn't judge but I can see it in her reactions that she does. Just not about my past as Winter Soldier. It's why I tolerate her. The government needed me to take these sessions. At first I fought them, even had several therapists leave because they couldn't handle the raw truth of who I was, but Raynor just listened. She didn't even flinch. I respect her for that, and because of that I still come and I try. 

"It's been exactly one month since Ana was kidnapped. How are you feeling?" Her face doesn't show an ounce of emotion when she asks. I don't answer. I look away from her thinking of Ana's smile. I've been hunting down this so called Power Broker for the last month and come up with more questions than answers. It all makes me feel like I'm failing her.

"Alright" She pulls up the notebook.

"Oh..come on. That's just passive aggressive." I complain. I hate that thing. She takes notes on my every move like it has some significance to it.

"You know the rules, James" I shake my head then reluctantly nod.

"Fine.. I feel like shit. The woman I love was taken while pregnant with my best friends triplets, and I can't fucking do my job well enough to find her. She's been with them for a month. What's worse? If they did take her to Hydra, I know exactly what they are doing to her." I let out a deep breath leaning back against the couch. I instinctively clench my metal hand and tap it to my leg, pictures of the torture and experiments they could be doing to her racing through my mind.

"You know it isn't your fault you haven't found her. No one has. It isn't even your fault she was taken"

"But it is..if only.."

"It isn't, the sooner you accept that, the sooner you realize others actions are out of your control, the clearer your mind will be to do whatever it is you need to do." I sigh. I know that but..it still feels like it's my fault.

Steve has been no help in the last week. He worked himself so hard he got badly hurt and is now in bed rest as per doctors orders. Not our doctor...no, because Ana is gone thanks to me.

"Stop it" She says staring me down "I can see you blaming yourself again."

"How? How do I stop? I promised her to stay by her side, the moment I didn't she was gone. Then I couldn't keep her away from them on that roof. Steve is a mess and the team have exhausted every lead.."

"When she showered, did you leave her alone?"

"What?"

"When she showered, used the bathroom, got undressed..did you leave her alone?" I stared at her wondering where this was going.

"Well...yea of course." I didn't want to but...

"She didn't get taken because you left her alone those times. So what makes you think, it was the case now?" This bitch...

"Okay..okay I get it"

"Do you? I know it's hard for you to admit, but all the bad things that happen in this world aren't because of you. Stop carrying the world on your shoulders. It's not yours to carry." I looked away from her for a moment. She was right, I knew that. The problem was this feeling I had that she was wrong.