The Fall Of Edith

Chapter 7

I completely lost it. Over the past few days, finding Mauricio has become my only pastime. I spend every waking moment finding him, I can't tell anymore whether I actually want to talk to him or if the act of finding him alone is my goal, but for some reason this search takes over my whole brain space. I'm a madman on a quest. Like I'm drowning and finding him is my only chance at survival. First, I went through my phone, through exported chats, through my gallery, through every last file. Then I posted on Amino "has anyone seen the person whose account name was justsomidiot?" A desperate shot in the dark. Then I did some research online, my search bar filled with useless questions like "how to restore deleted contacts". Of course, the answer is: it's impossible. Not even WikiHow can help me here. My despair growing over time like a snowball rolling down the hill. After that I turned to different methods, making wishes on lost eyelashes, clovers and shooting stars. I held a fire ceremony, writing my request on a piece of paper and then burning it in the sink of my bathroom along with some rosemary. As a final step, the last straw, yesterday at 10:47 pm, I went to the nearest church, purchased and lit up a candle and prayed. I was a little ashamed to ask a favour from God because I haven't been to church in almost ten years, but he must have been happy to see me, like someone who finds a long-lost cousin, because today he fulfilled my wish. Today for the first time I got the idea to type Mauricio's full name into the google search bar: So I did it and I found him, just like that. I laughed at myself when I saw how easy it was all along to find him. I spent almost a full week searching, and there he's been right in front of me. Mauricio Feitoza. He has a Facebook profile that pops up as the second result on google when typing his name. It's the second of January 2015, the day I finally find him, what a glorious day!

I create a random and empty Facebook profile for myself and open up the messenger function. I sit there, in front of my screen, looking at Mauricio's name and profile and savour the moment. I wonder if he deleted my number too, if he tried to contact me, if he will be mad at me. A thousand different questions shooting through my head like stars.

"hey M, it's me"

"do you still know me?"

"I'm really sorry for disappearing"

"will you forgive me?"

I send a whole string of messages, hoping he will be glad to have me back and not be angry at me for leaving. My heart is thumping in my chest. My eyes locked on the screen. His profile says last time online: 3 hours ago, so he is definitely active on here. He also posted a short video two days ago and a drawing four days ago. It received 12 likes, and four people commented in Spanish, things I don't understand. He created his profile in 2010, so five years ago. He has 541 friends, sounds like a lot, but I have no idea if it is, I've never been on Facebook before.

There's no way I can do anything other than sit and stare off into space until my phone beeps, so that's what I do. In this moment, him messaging me feels crucial, life changing. He is my oxygen, my life support.

And he does message, I only had to wait about 20 minutes.

"lol course I know u"

"good to see ur alive Edith, how have u been?" Now this seems like a measly reply in this life changing moment. Huh. I expected some more emotions, any emotion really. I'm a bit deflated, after spending all this time and effort on finding him, but oh well, I'm not going to let that ruin it now. Maybe he just doesn't want to show that he's been crying his eyes out ever since I left him. Edith, you are delusional.

"I'm so sorry I disappeared just like that, M" I still feel the need to apologize further.

"don't worry about it, now ur here again right?"

"yes I am.", "I'm not gonna leave you again" I tell him, even though he most likely doesn't need any reassuring.

"good girl" I missed him, why did I ever let him go? Like a tired wanderer sinking into bed, I let my body fall into his words and relax.

"do you have a song for me?" Giving me songs to listen to has become something like a tradition for us now, he never asks me for songs back, and mostly dislikes anything I send him, but at least he gives me good songs, so I won't complain.

He sends me a link. Lonely boy by the Black Keys. I love the song, of course.

And just like that we're talking again.

He sends me another message two hours later.

"by the way Edith, you can say no, I know I'm a loser, but..."

"do you wanna meet?" 

I hold my breath. This is what I've been waiting for the whole time, always too scared to ask him, because he seemed so uninterested. My heart is jumping on a trampoline inside my chest. I'm in the bathroom, about to take a shower, but now I'm just sitting on the toilet seat, my whole body tense. I look up into the mirror and see myself grinning like I just won a million pounds. Calm down, Edith, stop smiling so pathetically. 

"YES!!!!" I send back to Mauricio. I'm floating in candy cotton, why did I ever block him?

We decide to meet in London the next day, I wake up two hours earlier than I have to and prepare my body and outfit like they've never been prepared before. Shower, shave, lotion, style hair, apply make-up, pluck eyebrows. If I was a cartoon figure I'd be whirling my arms around at such high speed it's just circles and tornadoes. I take out some cereal for breakfast, but I'm so nervous  I can barely eat one spoon full. I'm actually going to meet him, it's like a banner being pulled through my head on and on and on. We met in August, so exactly 6 months ago and in the whole period I've only heard his voice once. Still, weirdly I feel like I'm closer to him than anyone else in my life at the moment.

I put on my carefully crafted outfit. Black, chunky boots, see through tights, black leather jacket with fur on the collar and inside, scarf, one of my favourite worn out t-shirts and dark blue silk underwear. My hands are so jittery with nerves, I fumble with the clasp of my bra for ages. When I'm finally done with everything I look at myself in the mirror. It's as good as it's gonna get. 

I grab some sunglasses to look more cool than I am, take my tote bag and fill it with the holy trio of keys, money and phone. After a quick glance at the time I see that I should be at the train station in 20 minutes, which is still more than enough. Mauricio and I decided to meet up at a costa coffee shop to make it neutral territory. I force myself to stop thinking ten steps ahead, force myself to look at the reality of things for once. And the reality is, knowing the whimsical nature of our relationship,  there's a high chance he might just change his mind and not show up at all. The reality is he's kind of an asshole. The reality is, if I wasn't so desperate I probably would never play along with this whole thing. At least I know all of that. Acknowledging that there's a problem is the first step, I heard that somewhere.  He might also murder me in bright daylight  is my last thought before leaving the house. And: I wouldn't mind. 

There's little to be afraid of when you want to be dead anyways, right?