The Fall Of Edith

Chapter 15

I've been doing kind of good lately, meaning I can live on my own without friends and not want to die anymore. I finally started applying for different universities and subjects, because clearly English literature was never for me. I'm also looking into different cities, a change of scenery. The other day I googled "how to let go of toxic relationships" and the website that came up said there are ten simple steps to doing that. They first described what toxic relationships feel like, and it was so accurate, I wondered why I never had the idea of looking it up earlier. I read the article and nodded along with every word they said. "you feel dependent on that person, maybe even addicted".

"you always end up going back to them" yes, yes, yes. Their solution to the problem was: "don't give them the power to destroy you" That's easier said than done. "find things to move on to" , "ask yourself: what do you gain out of the relationship?" That's simple, I gain distraction, love declarations, compliments and then I lose it all again, and lose my self-esteem, my pride, my opinions along with it. After reading the article I felt deflated, because even though I now knew what the problem was, I still couldn't fix it. So now I'm sitting in my bed, listening to music in my earphones, wondering what can be done to "move on" properly. According to my online research change of scenery and social circle does the trick. Ha. What social circle? I don't even have a social line, barely even a dot. Nonetheless I'm scrolling through foreign universities and cities, Cambridge, London, Bristol. Thinking bigger, Berlin, Sao Paolo, Paris. Maybe a fresh start could really help me.

It all goes downhill again in the evening, with nightfall there comes the doubt, like clockwork, creeping up on me. And with this night fall there also comes a call from Bethany. I ponder whether or not to pick up the call, but in the end I do. Which was the wrong decision. "hey Edith, darling, so good to talk to you" Yea, right. Bethany as well, is like a pendulum, gone for months, and then suddenly she reappears out of nowhere and is all sunshine and butterflies. One extreme to the other. I sent her a message on her birthday in February, she never replied, then in April or May I asked her "hey do you want to hang out sometime?" She replied with "omg, yes definitely!!!!". After that, nothing. We obviously never hung out. So last time I actually saw her was when we came back from Italy last September. "yea, great to hear from you too" I reply while holding up my middle finger to the phone. It's physically painful, but I force myself to be cheerful.

"So how are you?" She says it like a message you type in all caps and with at least five question marks. "wonderful, just wonderful" I'm pinching the insides of my thighs.

"what about you?" I ask her.

"oh, I'm so stressed out, I can't even tell you. I had an exam about systemic anatomy last Sunday and I for sure messed it up, now I really need to sit down and practice. Thankfully I found a study group, we meet twice a week to go through all the subject matters together" I let my head dangle from the edge of my bed. Has this person not understood that when someone asks you how you're doing, you're not meant to tell them your whole life problems? Just say I'm fine and shut up. 

"anyways, I was calling to ask if you want to go to Scotland together, Moe will probably also come along with us" Scotland. Moe. What is she talking about? There's no way I can get out of this acting like I know what she means, so I ask her. "what's in Scotland?"

"what do you mean? Edith, did you not read the invitation?"

"what invitation?" I still have no idea what she means.

"oh.." she trails off, apparently she realizes that I'm not playing around. "I figured.." " I shouldn't have assumed"

"what is it?" I'm sitting up straight in bed now, curious what it's going to be.

"I guess I'll have to tell you now, don't I?"

"Jacob is having a giant party for his 18th birthday, I... I just assumed you'd be invited too"