The Fall Of Edith

Chapter 11

Time passes with me burying myself in stories surrounding death and sorrow. I move from my greek gods to Authors and Poets who took their lives. Books by Sylvia Plath, Virginia Woolf are strewn all over my bed. I still work three shifts a week, or at least I'm supposed to. I keep cancelling more and more shifts, calling in sick or inventing some type of emergency and no one seems to notice or mind. In late March, almost a full month after we met for the first time, Mauricio asks me "Will you come to my place, I'm sad". It floods my heart with sympathy and happiness. Finally, he's back again. All my waiting payed off. 

This time I go straight to his apartment, we eat cup noodles again, while he spills out his heart.  "Why am I so unlucky, Edith? I honestly think I'm cursed" he tells me while moving his long fingers up and down my thighs. "my job pays me like I'm a fucking slave, I make just enough to cover my rent. I haven't bought new clothes in over a year" Complaining about money all the time, it's irritating me. I don't know what he wants me to say. I'd buy him a whole truck load of new clothes, I'd let him move in with me, I'd let him use all my money on whatever he feels like buying. I remember the time I bought him a phone last year. Whenever I suggest anything like that, he gets defensive and gloomy, so I just agree with him, justify his misery.  "we can be sad together" I smile up at him and he hugs me close.  

We lay in his bed, listening to his playlist, his beautiful music filling the room. 

"kill me now, I want to die, I heard there's a chance at an afterlife" is blasting from his speaker box. I smile "what's that song called?"

"My smile is extinct by Kane Strang. Do you like it?"

"yea, love it. he wrote it for us"

We watch a movie on his broken laptop and then move on to porn. He pulls down my panties and moves his erection against my body, while we both stare at the screen. He whispers in my ear what he wants to do with me and it feels like he's giving me constant electro shocks. Pleasurable, gorgeous little electro shocks. Our bodies melt together and ascend into the clouds. 

We're laying next to each other on his filthy, stained carpet. "Will you be my girlfriend?" He looks at me. Of course I say yes. I will never say no to him. 

He pulls me on top of him and gives me a long kiss. "I love you, Edith". "I love you forever" he buries his face in my breasts and I giggle. "I love you more" I reply to him. Beautiful lies, wrap me up and strangle me. 

I stay in his apartment for two more nights, ignoring my work, ignoring my mom's calls, ignoring the world. Concealed, in a bubble of breathtaking sex, I build my new home. One night Mauricio goes out without me to get groceries. he doesn't come back for hours and the monsters are creeping up on me. Alone and lost, I float through his apartment, picking up random items here and there. I sit in front of the window and watch the moon rise outside "my beautiful moon" I whisper and stretch out a hand to touch the glass. I'm caged, stuck in my skin, stuck behind glass and concrete. I smash my fist into the wall so hard, my knuckles bleed. By the time Mauricio comes back, I'm listening to music, crying on the bed. He doesn't ask me why I'm crying and I don't ask him what took him so long. He pulls me up and kisses me like I'm the only water in his desert. He brought a bottle of cheap liquor and we get some pineapple juice and mix it in our mouths, brains numbing more with every slurp. When I lift the bottle to his face and say "cheers in spanish",  he notices my red knuckles "who did you fight?" 

"myself I guess" 

"why do you do that?" 

"you told me to, remember? you said I should hit walls for the pain"

"maybe we can think of something that would be even better" His eyes are glassy and clouded with longing. He winks at me and I stick out my tongue, leaning my arms on his thighs. That night during sex he chokes me so hard, bangs me against the table with such force my skin turns blue. He slaps and pinches me until I scream, pulls at my hair and scratches my body. He rams himself into my body so forcefully, the impact almost throws me over. I tell him to go harder, move faster, hit deeper. Crack me open, smash my body, slice through my skin. If only you could fuck me to death. The pain of it all elevates me into paradise. My sore and broken body makes me feel whole, the fragments glittering in the dark of Mauricio's room like a glow stick.  "I love you, I love you" he says afterwards, his thin body on top of me. All I can think of saying is "Thank you".  The whole time the moon watches through the window. 

 The next morning, remembering his words from last time, I move down and under the blanket, touch my tongue to his underwear and he wakes up moaning, inside my mouth. 

On the third day he goes to visit his aunt and uncle and basically kicks me out. I'm reluctant to leave because I have a feeling it's going to be a long time before I see him again. 

The next day I sit on the floor of my room at home, listening to music and knotting a bracelet for Mauricio. Luckily I had ribbons in his favourite colours -black and red- . It turns out flawless, the best I've ever made and I'm a tiny bit proud of myself.

"is it ok if I send you something?" I ask him, because I know his moods can change like the weather. 

"Haha yea I think so" 

Later I curl up the bracelet and carefully place it into an envelope. Because I remember he once told me he would never wear pink, I add a loose pink ribbon and tie a note to it "because pink is your favourite colour, Love you, Edith". Then I buy a stamp for the first time in my life and let the mail box swallow the envelope. Have a good journey! If only I could fold my body like a paper and travel in that envelope too, if only I could be with him now.

 The first week of April, I'm out shopping for groceries, I go to the city centre to a small café, called "zeitgeist" to get a hot chocolate. The café is filled to the rim with students and young people. The barista asks me whether I want to drink here or take away, I immediately tell her "take away, please". There's no way I'll be sitting alone at a table in the middle of all these chatting people, humming with energy. I take my chocolate and walk to a nearby park, sauntering along the empty walkways. The whole time I text Mauricio on the phone. I send him a selfie I took earlier, wearing a red V-neck sweater and a black cap, my hair flooding out under it. He says I look like a trucker.

Afterwards I take the bus back to my apartment, I'm only about ten minutes from my place, when a string of messages comes flooding my phone. All from Mauricio.

The first one is a picture of him, holding my letter. Then he says "omg look I got your letter today, I love you so much, Edith"

"you really sent me something, I can't believe you actually did that for me!!! I'm actually gonna cry"

"you're the first person who has ever sent me something" I can't stop grinning at my phone. It was so worth it.

"you're the best, and you're mine and I love you"

"I love the bracelet and I'm never going to take it off ever again". He sends another picture of his wrist with the bracelet and I'm flooded with happiness.

It doesn't take long for this happy mood to float away. We keep talking for a couple of days and then happens, what always happens. He disappears. I know I shouldn't bother him when he retreats, but I still send multiple messages. "hey where r u" , "I miss u", "can u please come back", "want to hang out?" I try to be casual, when in reality I want to scream at him for leaving me and making me paranoid and crazier than I ever was. I'm a drug addict and he's my lethal drug. 

I scroll through my empty phone. I deleted Tinder and Amino after Mauricio asked me to be his girlfriend, stopping the flood of thirsty messages from strangers.

I check Twitter and go through Vince's profile. We haven't really spoken since the day we met. From sifting through his posts I can tell he's doing better now. He's got a girlfriend he adores and meets every day, he is planning to move in with her. He also seems to have an alright job and there's even a picture of a new hairstyle he'd got last week. It's impressive how much information I can get about his private life without ever talking to him. I check the date and smile. The day he set to kill himself passed last week. I'd love to reach out to him, tell him I'm so proud of him, for getting his life together, but it's like there's an invisible cord holding me back. I know there's no use starting a conversation, the days of our friendship have long faded away. I scroll further down the feed and find a picture of him and his girlfriend in a city I can identify without a doubt as Birmingham. There's a pang of sadness blooming in my chest. It's clear now that he moved on and moved away from me too. I can't help feeling jealous of him, for leaving his past behind while I'm still tangled in it, ready to let it suffocate me.