The Fall Of Edith

Chapter 13

My nail scissors are all I have to chop off my hair. I needed to do something, so I decided to change my hairstyle in the hopes of it changing my life along with it. I'm a witch, doing a healing ritual. Hair, take away my pain, take away my sorrow, free me from my chain. I'm standing in front of the bathroom mirror, cutting off my hair an inch below my ears. There's something satisfying about seeing all my hair, my beautiful hair, sailing to the ground like fallen angels. 

After cutting everything I pay a visit to the drug store. With colours smelling like acid, I dye my chopped off hair blood red. Eyes blue, hair red. I'm an ocean on fire. I like my new look, it fits my mental state much better than the old neat and tidy long blonde hair. 

I meet up with Mauricio two days later. Finally, I missed him. He messaged me earlier: 

"hey, how're you feeling?" 

"eh, been very bored without you" Casual, keep it casual, no big deal. He left for a whole week, but it's no big deal.

"sorry I was gone, my dad needed me to work for him. had to renovate tiles on the roof and shit"

"oh, hahha you're bob the builder now?"

"yes, of course. I can build you anything you want"

"even a castle?"

"no, not a castle, dumbass" he adds three red hearts and I know he's just teasing.

"so where are we going to live then?"

"in a cardboard box, duh"

"by the way, did you know we can make our own stickers on whatsapp?" he asks me.

"no, how???"

"send me a picture of you and I'll show you"

Two minutes later he sends me an emoji like thingy of myself.

"here, see, I made a sticker out of you" "never say I don't do things for you"

"haha, I love it"

As always I go to his place. I forbid myself to question, but instead enjoy the few days we get to spend together. I'm like a beaten dog, at his disposal. 

When he sees me standing in his doorway he says "Shit, I didn't think you could get any hotter" he tells me I look like an anime girl now. Like everyone's secret fantasy. The day turns out pretty damn good. We drink some stale fruit juice mixed with alcohol in his kitchen, fuck on the kitchen counter and go out for a walk. It's busy on the street we're walking on, but that doesn't stop Mauricio from murmuring in my ear "I'd love to have sex with you on a public bus" I follow his stare to a passing bus and fall into a hazy hole of wet daydreams. 

We pass by a tattoo studio and I tug on his jacket. "wanna do something crazy?" I grin at him, praying he will be in the mood to go inside.  "the things I do for you" he replies and sighs. 

I know exactly what I'll get. I've had many different ideas of what I want, but since I'm with Mauricio right now, there's only one thing I truly want. I make him look away while the guy stabs the skin below my left breast. I enjoy every push of the needle under my skin and almost tell the guy to keep going, just draw anything you wants, just never stop.  I look at myself in the small mirror the guy gives me and smile. I got a line from a song Mauricio showed me. A song I love so much, every line of it like the band made it especially for me, for us. When I first heard it I gasped, the beauty of it like a gut punch. At one time they even sing "now be a good girl and do what you're told" which they definitely stole straight from Mauricio. 

What I got is "In my dreams I'm there" 

I wasn't so delusional to expect Mauricio to get anything related to me or our relationship, but I'm still having an extremely hard time masking my disappointment, when he shows me his upper arm. There's an anchor. When I ask him why he chose that, he says "oh, don't really know. I was going through their templates and I liked it". 

About my tattoo he says it looks hot, which breaks my heart, but I force myself to forget about it. 

We walk around the area, hand in hand, and only return to his apartment, once we're too cold from the chill night air brushing our bare arms and legs. We take a hot shower and he fucks me again and tells me "you're my good girl" and it feels so awfully good, but I still cry. I don't think he notices my tears mixing with the shower water.  

I curl up on his body, feeling exhausted, trying to soak up as much of him as I can. Trying to memorize each and every one of his pores. I feel like a helpless kitten, exposed to the ever changing seasons of his moods. "I love you" I mumble into his stomach.  But it's more like a question, and I only relax a little, when he says "I love you so fucking more". 

He's scrolling through his phone and when I glance at it I see a contact saved as "Edith has big tits" in his whatsapp list.  

"hey! is that me?" I point at it. 

He starts laughing and says yes, it is. I feign some mock outrage, but I actually don't care. Or more precisely, I don't know what to think about it.  

It's late at night and I'm tipsy, my brain foggy. "can I tell you a secret?" 

"sure" he replies. 

I want to say: We're pretty toxic for each other . But I know he'd be offended, he's ask me why I'm together with him, if I don't like him. He'd tell me I can just end it. I'm better than him anyways. He's poor and unlucky. So I bite my tongue and search for something else to say. A last second change in words. 

"You made me drunk" I let my finger run down his neck. 

"no, I didn't. you're just an irresponsible drinker" He chuckles. 

Mauricio leaves the apartment the next morning and goes to work. I leave and go home, not knowing  that that was the last time I see him in that flat. If I knew I might've kissed him longer, I might've lingered on the doorstep, might've turned around to look back once more.