Vampire and Prejudice

Chapter 16 - Elizabeth

There was a conspiracy against me which utterly escaped my notice until it was too late, and I was left alone in a room with Mr. Collins for an unquestionably nefarious offer to take place. Most women during their lives have cause to expect one or two such offers, but I had been secure in the knowledge that it would not happen to me quite this soon or quite this unexpectedly. Surely, it was customary for there to be at least a kind of affection and mutual understanding between the two people in cases such as these; the question could not be simply sprung upon the unsuspecting woman.

My youth gave me no reprieve here—my suppositions, it seems, had all been false. It was the first time a man had endeavored to offer me his heart, and if I had ever dreamed of such an honor, then the faiths had plotted to give just the opposite of my imaginings in every possible way. Mr. Collins was probably the most unmarriageable person I had ever met. Even Mr. Robinson had a better chance of securing my hand and agreement, especially considering his unwitting rival.

"My dear Miss Elizabeth, allow me to assure you that your mother has given me her full permission for this address," began Mr. Collins. That my mother had her dreadful fingers all over this particular pie was no surprise. That there was no mention of my father's permission was likewise unsurprising. Little calculation was needed to reconstruct the sequence of events that conspired to lead to this particular result, and only my mother was ridiculous enough to believe that I might be a willing participant. If my father at any point had been told of what was happening, he was probably still laughing himself silly and unable to quit the library.

"Almost as soon as I entered the house, I have admired your fairness, your modesty, your amiableness, natural delicacy and your other perfections. My tender attentions have been too notable to be misunderstood—I have singled you out as the companion of my future life." I tried very hard not to laugh here. "Allow me to state my reasons for marrying, which was my primary reason for coming to Hertfordshire: first, I think it the right thing to do for every clergyman to set an example; second, I know it will add considerably to my happiness; and third, it is the most particular recommendation of my noble patroness Lady Catherine that I select a wife as soon as possible."

I had heard a lot about Lady Catherine to make me dislike the woman without having met her, but this piece of information secured my animosity. To think that I would be spared the calamity that was Mr. Collins was it not for her advice and urging! People should really consider the power they hold in their hands before acting carelessly with it.

"It must be no secret why I chose to look to Longbourn in order to find a wife. I am to inherit this estate after the death of your honored father. In choosing a wife from among his daughters, I can ensure that the loss is as manageable as possible. I know your fortunes on that melancholy event will be much diminished, but let me assure you that in these matters I am perfectly indifferent and will not reproach your lack of financial contribution to our marriage by word or deed. And thus having explained myself, nothing remains but for me to persuade you of the violence of my affection."

I received that communication with much trepidation and resolved to stop him at once to save me from further horrors on this occasion. "I thank you, Mr. Collins, for the compliment you have paid me, and though I feel honored," I said and tried not to choke on the word, "I feel it is impossible for me to return your affections, therefore I must decline your generous offer."

I spoke evenly, though every word was a challenge. It was inconceivably difficult to not laugh at the absurdity of the scene before me without much preparation. He had certainly rehearsed his speech, and I felt at a great disadvantage for having no practice with mine.

"Of course, I am sensible that it is customary for young ladies to decline when asked the first time, but accept upon further persuasion from the gentleman. Trust me, Miss Elizabeth, I am equal to the task," said Mr. Collins, leaving me absolutely baffled. That he would proclaim to know such female habits, which I had never heard of, damaged my ability to persuade him of the sincerity of my feelings in the matter. Who knows what other traditions he might give himself leave to invent in his favor.