un professore one shots // simuel

youbrokemefirst

Manuel had come to the conclusion he was in love, deeply, endlessly in love. His heart burned with love, it was a warm feeling that started from his chest and slowly spread through his whole body when he was with Simone. His cheeks would warm up and his hands would shake, the only thing that calmed that feeling that felt much like a storm was Simone. Simone's touch, scent, smile, eyes. Simone. He was the owner of his every thought, of his every moment. He'd find himself thinking about him in the most random parts of the day. Sometimes when he got himself breakfast ready he'd think how Simone would prepare theirs when he stayed over, he did everything so carefully, so focused on doing everything perfectly. He loved watching him cook. He also loved watching him doing his homework, math were his favorite ones, not because he liked the subject or understood any of the things written in the books, but because Simone gave all his attention to it, often passing his hand through his hair out of frustration when something was too hard. He loved how his eyebrows curved when he was having trouble, he wanted to soothe it out with a kiss, tell him he was gonna make it cause he was the smartest person he knew but he never did. He'd play with him just to get a smile in return, and that made his heart want to explode out of his chest.

So he had decided to tell him, he didn't know how he hadn't planned anything. But he couldn't keep it in anymore, he needed to let it out or he was gonna burst. Manuel wasn't like Simone. Simone had held it in for so long, scared it was gonna change their relationship, he had hidden it inside of him for weeks, without Manuel noticing till the first time he tried to kiss him. And even there he had tried to play it cool, telling him he was just confused.
But Manuel wasn't like that, he was impulsive, he said things without thinking, and unfortunately that hadn't always been a good thing. He had hurt Simone many times, and he had forgiven him, cause that's how he was, he had the purest heart in the world, and now they were back to normal. Just Manuel and Simone.

They met at Simone's, by the border of his empty pool, sitting next to each other and just enjoying the silence around them. Simone was wearing their shirt. Their shirt because they shared it. It looked big on Manuel but it fit Simone perfectly. It was one of those things Manuel held close to his heart. It was the little things that made his heart flutter.

"I need to tell you something" Manuel blurted out. Simone moved his eyes to his figure and encouraged him to keep talking.
"I don't really know how to say this, I mean, I know i just...it's scary" he kept talking. Simone got a worried look in his face and thought of the worse.
"What did you do? Are you in danger?" He asked. Manuel slightly laughed.
"No, no I'm fine. It's about you" he said.

A warm breeze caressed their skins and Simone shivered, about him. What could possibly be about him.
He had spent months trying to understand Manuel's ways, always by his side no matter what was going on in his life or how dangerous it was. He was there, but Manuel wasn't for him. How many times had he been hurt? And yes Manuel had apologized many times, but can that fix the scars every word leaves in your heart? Can it make you forget all the words and discussions? Simone loved him, and he knew deep in his heart that when it came to him his brain had no voice, his heart took over all the time.

"About me?"
"I'm in love with you"

Simone froze. Manuel held his breath for what it felt like hours. Time stopped for the both of them. Simone still looking down on his hands not daring to shift his eyes to him, because if he did, he'd give up. And he doesn't want to. He can't know if Manuel is serious, or sure of what he feels, he doesn't wanna be a game they play for a while just so can Manuel can try out new things.
Manuel waits for a reaction that never comes, he waits for Simone to pull him in a hug, so he can breathe again but the other just stays there in silence.

"You're not gonna say anything?" He whispers trying to catch his eyes. He bends down a little and he sees they're full of tears. Of happiness, he thinks, that must be it he's so happy he's crying.
"Simò? Please I'm gonna need you to look at me" he says again trying to hold his hand but Simone removes it fast. Manuel's heart starts beating fast in his chest.
"I need to go" Simone gets up fast doing the most just to not look at him. But Manuel follows him quickly and stops him by grabbing his wrist. And at that point he's forced to look at him.
He's fully crying, he deserves to be happy but he doesn't want to hurt again. He can't do it again.

"Did you hear what I said?" Manuel's voice is barely a whisper. He's scared, Simone isn't holding his hand as he thought he would, he isn't smiling at him, he's looking at him with sadness, regret or some emotion Manuel can't really catch.
"I did, but I have nothing to say in return, I'm sorry I can't right now, can you please let me go? Please" his eyes begging him. He feels his wrist trying to get free and immediately drops it. His heart breaks in that second, he can feel it fall off his chest and get to his stomach putting a big weight on him. His hands are shaking and he can feel the familiar tingling in his nose signing he's about to cry.
"I thought you loved me" he dares to say. Simone looks up to him and all he can see is pain.
"I do. But I have to put myself first." He says and starts walking away, he can't stand seeing Manuel like that it's too much. Knowing he opened his heart to him like that and he's just turning him down cause he's scared? He can't do that anymore.
"What does that mean?" Manuel stops him again. He breathes hard, he can feel his knees go weak, he's being rejected by Simone, the love of his life doesn't want him.

"It means that I've suffered enough, and I can't do it anymore. You can't just come here tell me you love me and act like everything is fine cause it's not! I've been hurt and I need time to heal"
"I thought we were fine, I thought we solved all that Simo I swear I'll do everything I can to be the best version of me for you"
"We're not fine! Pretending it never happened doesn't make us fine, do you have any idea of how much your words hurt me Manuel?"

He's right his brain told him but he quickly pushed it away.

"Is this you taking revenge? Cause I'm willing to take it, I'm ready to everything I'm not backing off. Not this time" he said trying to touch his hand but Simone stepped back, again, breaking Manuel's heart, again.
"It's not. I need space Manuel. Space to think, space for myself, I need space from you" he said. He didn't trust himself in that moment so he started walking away again. All his certainties that this was the right thing to do we're starting to tremble. He wanted to hold him and tell him he was proud of him for finally figuring out his feelings, he wanted to kiss him till he was out of breath, but that was just gonna be a fever dream.

"Space from me?" He asked and Simone didn't stop walking this time but it didn't matter cause Manuel was following him. They were getting closer to his house and he didn't want his father or anyone else to see him like that. He didn't want anyone to ask him anything, he just wanted to go in his room and cry in peace.
"Yes. I think it's best if we stop seeing each other for a while. Just until we've figured out what we both want" he said abruptly stopping again. His eyes checked if there was anyone around and when he was sure there wasn't he finally let himself look at him.
His eyes red, he looked like a mess. Like someone had broken him in half, took his heart out, played with it and then put it back. He couldn't get to describe what his eyes told cause there weren't words to describe how broken they looked.
"This makes no sense! We can't stay away from each other and me and you both know that" Manuel tried again, defeated, but he was willing to try till he could.
"We'll have to. It's for the best, just a while Manuel. We both have to deal with a lot of stuff and none of us is really ready for a relationship moreover with each other"

Manuel was ready to everything with Simone, everything. And that feeling that just a few hours earlier had him thinking he could fly, was now punching him right in the face.

"I only want a relationship with you and no one else. You Simone, you. And if you think I'm gonna give up this easily you're wrong. But fine take your time" he said and left.

Come back to me Simone wanted to scream but he never did, he watched him leave as he dried a tear that was falling off his face with his t-shirt and run to his bedroom to cry like he'd promised himself to.

That night they both went to bed with their eyes still damp in tears, with the awareness that love won everything but sometimes just wasn't enough. But deep down they knew they were gonna find their way back to each other, pain is only temporary.