The Way Love Changes You; Book One: Love's Firsts

38/XXVIII: Harlow Womani-sor

~Indy Serenity~

Tuesday, November 12, 2019

It was a rough few days for me, but I needed to find a way to get my mind off of what happened nights prior. Looking at my phone kinda set me back. I don't like the thought of not texting Avellana anymore, but I can't bring myself to talk to her anymore after coming to the conclusion of her hooking up with the bitch's name I shall never say again.

Deep down, though, I don't hate her. I never could hate her. I don't think I ever will. Something about her made her different from other people. Like, yeah, she cheated on me, but she looked like the person who would change her ways. I don't know how to explain it. But, like, she'd admit it and she'd own up to that. She'd be the type to take responsibility. I'd totally forgive her then. My forgiveness ain't given out like candy. Somebody would have to earn it, but for her, I'd forgive her on the spot. She was an honest person.

Feelings are so complex. I'm not in love with her. Well, not anymore. I still love her, just not as a girlfriend. I just will never understand why she'd fall for a rich, scandalous cheerleader over an artist who's doing her best in this dumb world. I saw in her eyes when we first met and at our very first lunch that she was in love with me. But to suddenly switch up on me on our two-month anniversary just didn't seem right.

Was I too sentimental? Was I too goofy? Did the night that we made love turn her off because I somehow took too much control? Was I doing too much when it came to gifts? What did I do wrong for her to ditch me for somebody else who she barely knew? Who barely knew her? Like, was she hiding something from me? Where did it go wrong? Where did I go wrong?

And those were just some of the large influx of questions I had. Something about this just felt weird...

What about the song I wrote for her? I was supposed to sing that to her the night of the college ball. Well, I didn't throw it away because I put a lot of effort into writing it and she composed and engineered music for it. I wasn't gonna dispose of something that I put my heart into. I hid it away in one of my notebooks in my office. I'd cry if I lost it, but I'd cry even more because it would set me back more than the texts and voicemails I left. The song was for her.

Anyway, I needed to get out of the house. I was tired of sulking in chocolate chip cookie dough coconut ice cream. I needed to be productive so I could move on to bigger and better things. I couldn't cry over my ex-girlfriend forever. I just really thought that she'd be the one...anyway! What better way to be productive than going to clean up the ballroom today?

I was on the committee anyway, so I needed to be there and help out so I wouldn't drown my sorrows in non-dairy ice cream again. It was easier cleaning than it was decorating, to say the least. We were finishing up because we spent one whole day storing all the tables and chairs, then we had to take down all the overhead decorations.

Illvetta's classes got canceled today, so she came to help out to get her mind off of the other night, too. We were both helping sweep up the whole ballroom and foyer and collect all the stray trash, along with other people, so it'd give us some leeway to talk to each other.

"You doing okay, Illy?" I asked. She was in a very similar position so it'd easily make a one-on-one.

Illvetta sighed. "Gettin' there. I mean, I don't want to cry about it. It's like crying over spilled milk, y'know? I'm gradually getting over it. I just wish I knew what I did to cause Jonni to ditch me. I felt a wonderful connection between us. I liked them...a lot. I've never really felt that towards guys, so my ex-boyfriend Yancey was a one in a million. But then Jonni came along. I've never fallen for a stud. Never. They were the first stud I've ever been enchanted by. They were charming. They were just...out of this world."