Dating My bully

~Water 💦~ {27}

I spent my Saturday watching Instagram and snap chat stories of my classmates out partying.

I'm jealous of them, seeing their smiles and laughter as they pose for group photos with their friends. Their lives look so fun. Part of me wishes I was like them, carefree and going out on weekends with my friends. Another part of me is grateful I don't have any friends to leave the comfort of my bed for.

Unfortunately, i'm not them and have no reason to leave my bed for friends. So today, I spent the whole day in bed and never got out. I didn't even get out to eat or use the bathroom. What's the point? It's just an endless cycle of filling my body with things that I'll end up popping out afterwards. And for what?

It's a ridiculous concept that I don't feel like taking part in today.

Turning off my phone I realise the screen was the only light in my now darkened room. The day flew by.

I roll onto the other side of my pillow and pull the covers up, ready for sleep. I lie on my mattress tossing and turning. despite being tired all day, I'm suddenly not. Now, suddenly when I want to sleep my body decides to wake up.

Too lazy to move I just lay under my covers wondering where my mum is right now. What's she doing? Does she think about me, miss me as I miss her?

I wish I knew more. Guilt courses though me wondering if I should have gone to the cops. If I go now it'll seem suspicious. I'll wait a couple of days and see if Ash can help me figure it out. If not, I'll have to report it.

Thoughts run through my head, interrupted by my mattress vibrating under me as my phone rings.

"hello" I whisper into my phone.

Silence.

I hear what sounds like people in the background but its so distant I'm not sure if I'm just hearing things. I pull the phone from my ear to check the number.

Unknow Number

I put it back to my ear, "mum?" my voice cracks. The line goes dead and I'm left in the loud silence of my room.

It takes me a few seconds to register what just happened. Could that really have been her on the line? Maybe she was thinking about me as much as I've been thinking about her after all. this could be a sign that she's ok.

After that call, there's no way I'm going to sleep. My mind won't shut off. I scroll through my phone, studying the faces and bodies of beautiful girls online. They always look so happy and perfect. their clothes hang from them like the cloth was made just to fit them.

I wish my body looked like theirs. I wish my face looked like theirs.

They are all so happy. So pretty. I'm ashamed of myself, how am I expected to walk around this earth knowing there are millions of girls out there 10 times better looking than me? What audacity do I have to ever think I could compare? Never again will I fool myself into liking how I look.

Compared to them, I am nothing.

I spend the rest of my weekend refusing to get out of bed in protest. I have no right to walk around while all the other girls look better than me.

I send Leo a message to tell him I'm sick and won't be able to work tomorrow.

I'm not sick, just embarrassed. I don't want people to see me. I look ugly.

I can't be seen. Not by anyone.

I feel comfort from the empty pit in my stomach and empty room. The loneliness is my companion this weekend.

Monday morning rolls around and I wake to the same feeling I felt all weekend. I can't bring myself to leave my bed. Instead, I decided to bury my head under my covers, ignoring my obligation to go to school. With so little energy left in me, my body lays dormant, unmoving from the same position in bed all day. The only thing I move is my right thumb as it scrolls through Instagram, Pinterest and TikTok.

Once again nighttime rolls around and it awakens me. I think I'm experiencing insomnia.

As much as I hate to admit it, my bladder is really struggling. Forcing myself from bed, I pull my body from bed and into the bathroom. I turn the light on, sitting down on the toilet, elbows resting on my legs as I cover my face with my hands.

The weight of my head is heavy in my hands. It spins and I try to focus on it, closing my eyes and pretending I'm on a carousel.

I'm not sure how long I've been on the toilet. I notice wetness in my hands and when I pull them from my face I feel salty water stinging my face. Tears.

I didn't even realise I was crying.

Exhaustion consumes me and I make no effort to get off the toilet. I just sit there, starring into the deep nothing as tears flow from my face down to my neck.

I'm tired.

so tired.

I guess I fell asleep because I wake to a pounding on my door. The noise seems to fade out and I allow myself to drift back to sleep.

The sound of water fills my head. I imagine a beautiful waterfall with water gliding down into a peaceful stream of water below. Sun hits the water making it glisten. As I picture this beautiful setting the noise of water intensifies.

At some point, it becomes too loud and I'm forced to open my eyes. I expect to be faced with a channel of flowing water and a waterfall. My eyelids flutter, squinting as I open them to the sun on my face.

the light seems white, not yellow like the sun. Voices of panic enter my ears. I notice the hard, cold floor underneath me, water pouring down on me.

Looking up I see Ash screaming into his phone walking up and down my small bathroom. To my left a hand grips the side of my neck, holding it up.

I'm sitting against the wall of my shower in fetal position with Seth holding my head up. Ash shoots his head towards me and rushes over, now ignoring the yelling voice on the other end of the phone.

What happened?

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Guyssssss look at me posting again :p

love you all xoxo