Thinking Out Loud

"My Ex Is Dead To Me!"

They say to pretend your previous partner is dead once the relationship comes to an end. People have pitchforks ready, and scream "burn those bridges!"

But how does one throw away beautiful memories just because something no longer works out? How does one no longer acknowledge the worth and existence of another being? Someone who might have spent years with you; who impacted your life; who was there for you during tough times; or helped you to become the future you? Someone you had a genuine connection with, loved and respected.

We meet people, and our soul energies mix. We create Karma. And we clear past Karmas. It's not a sheer coincidence to cross paths with certain souls. Otherwise, you would meet just about any one.

People grow and people change. Sometimes, in two different directions - or so I've learned. Some people feel they work better as friends; or some people find a more suitable love, elsewhere. Whatever the reason may be for the dissolution of a romantic relationship - the common thing I've noticed is the normality of the following, between woman-loving-woman relationships: the women maintain their friendships after breaking up. Some even consider them family and continue to love and care for them - in a non-romantic way.

This baffled me to no end. I wondered, how is this healthy? Yet my heart ached to not lose someone who directly impacted my life. There's a tug-o'-war between heart and logic (or a lack of?) Nothing made sense to me, for a very long time. Is this not toxic? (It may be to some degree, given the circumstances, because it may be hard to be healthy. But that's on a case-to-case basis.)

My confusion was cleared when I saw something that said "never date a lesbian unless that bitch's ex is dead". To which my compulsory heteropatriarchy-conditioned brain, agreed.

Someone pointed out that behaviour is both toxic, and a very heteronormative behaviour.

And it dawned on me, that something this simple - a philosophical ideal - a mere life lesson that's been taught to us since we are little kids; something that shapes our literal world view - of how we treat other people - but more especially, in a traditionally heteronormative sense - how we treat women, is to possess them and discard them once they have served you (a cishet man) your purpose. Because, traditionally speaking, woman were romanced and courted and married to that man - to birth him his assets.

"My ex is dead to me!" - an excuse to allow men to freely see another woman. (Let's be real... Having a dead partner or an alive and committed one, never stopped some of these men.) An excuse to get on with life whilst the women used to be left without a means to live - stripped of every right as society hasn't given it to her. It may leave her isolated from the circle of friends and family she formed when she was with said man. It's also an excuse for them to devalue a woman. Call her the mad woman; a troublemaker; amongst other labels so freely slapped onto a woman. A way to cause a bad name for her, and divide them in society. It isolates her from other people because it forms the notion that she is a threat, and will "steal your man". There's many ways this could go.
And perhaps even a way for the man to evade any form of liability owed to the woman.

"My ex is dead to me!" - is about men's entitlement and utter disrespect over women.

--- Ink and Wander