If I Remember You

15

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Peter

"everything good in your room?" I asked knocking softly in Isa's slightly ajar room.

"Yeah yeah come in" She tells me as I step into her room. I scanned the room out of habit before my eyes landed Isa. "It's actually similar to mine. Mine doesn't have a mini fridge though. You're lucky" I tease her as she laughs lightly.

"I could swap rooms with you if you want" She offered as I shook my head refusing her offer. "No no. I'm just teasing you. Get some rest. I'll check in tomorrow" I smiled as she nods.

"You too. We have an 8 hour drive" she informs me as I groan in opposition.

"It's 4 and 4 if it makes you feel any better?" She tries to cheer me up. "Can we go sightseeing instead?" I asked excitedly looking at her with hopeful eyes.

"Sightseeing? Peter. We need to find Wanda" she reasons as I pout. "She's been here for a while. Why would she pack and leave overnight?" I challenge as she sighs.

"That might be slightly true but we can't risk anything going wrong. I promise we will spend a couple of days actually enjoying New Zealand. But we're on a mission here. Plus, when you went to space, I doubt you were thinking of snapping a selfie for the memory" She reasons as I pout yet again knowing she was right.

"You're right. Let's focus. The faster we find her. The more free time we will have to actually explore New Zealand" I agree as she smiles.

"That's the spirit baby Spidey!" she teases as I groan in embarrassment.

"I thought we were passed that nickname" I admit hiding my face in my hands.

"I'll never let it go" She taunts me as I smile at her.

"Whatever. Good night" I declared walking out of her room with a smile on my face.

"Night" She calls out as I close her door and walk into my own room.

I took a quick shower and got ready for bed, making sure all the curtains were closed to keep any sunlight from seeping through. It was already 4 of the morning and I was beyond tired.

But I couldn't help but let my mind wander to the conversation me and Isa had earlier.

"You should tell MJ who you are and what she means to you"

Isa's voice echoed in my mind as I closed my eyes. I knew she was right. But a part of knew that Isa would never understand the guilt I feel every time I think of May. The survivor's guilt that's killing me ever so slowly. And I can't put MJ through that. She'd live every day of her life with a target on her back. And I'd rather her be happy without me than miserable with me.

***

I woke up to a faint and quiet knock on my door. My body was alert before my mind was fully aware of what was happening.

"Yeah?" I call out from the other side of the door looking through the peep hole.

Isabel.

"Get your lazy ass up Peter Parker. We got a Scarlet Witch to find. Let's go!" Isa calls out looking at the door.

"I'm tired" I declared opening my door running a hand through my bed hair.

"I sport identical swollen and puffy under-eyes to match yours. So please get ready. I'll go warm up the car and find us a place to eat breakfast" She explains with a small smile.

"I'll meet you by the car in 5" I tell her closing my door to get ready for the long day ahead.

I changed out of my pajamas and quickly brushed my teeth and washed my face. I grabbed the very few belongings I had and walked towards the parking lot.

Isabel was already in the driver's seat patiently waiting for me. She offered me a smile when she spotted me from a distance and I waved at her.

After I dropped my bag in the trunk and settled into the passenger's seat, she pulled out of the driveway and went make on the long road.

"How did you sleep?" I asked to make easy conversation and she shrugs.

" I was too tired yesterday. I didn't even change. I fell asleep after you left. So I took a shower this morning" She tells me as she grabs her wet hair to make a point and I nod.

"I feel a lot better after getting a decent and uninterrupted 6 hours of sleep" I admit as she smiles. "Me too"

"I found a small diner maybe 8 minutes from here" She informs me looking over her shoulder.

"Yeah sounds good" I approve as she nods her head softly.

"So you're friends are attending M.I.T huh?" She asks after a couple of minutes in silence.

"Yeah" I confirmed without a lingering comment. "It's a good school. I got an offer from there but I just wanted to leave home. So I did. My grandma had passed away a couple months prior. It was too hard" She tells me as I frown sympathizing with her grief.

"Ned and MJ should be finishing up their first year soon. It's May. So they should only have a couple weeks left" I tell her trying to lift her spirits.

"Why didn't you go with them? It's not like you have anyone in New York anyways" She asks me looking at me for a second before focusing on the road again.

"I wanted to stay away from them both" I tell her as she nods.

"You know its not your fault" She tells me as I snap my gaze her direction.

"What do you mean?" I ask her slowly. "Peter. I can sense your guilt. Survivor's guilt. You know how I know? Because I have it too" She admits sighing like a weight has been lifted off her shoulder.

"My grandma died from a burglary. Someone broke into her house. I was there. And I just froze. I watched as that masked person killed my grandma. I had these freaking powers and I still couldn't do anything." She confessed biting her lip and clearing her throat as she blinked rapidly trying to control her emotions.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't know" I offer my condolences fidgeting with my hands.

"My Aunt May was killed by the Green Goblin. An enemy from a Peter Parker of the multi-verse. I should've swung her off the building. Somewhere safe or safer. But I didn't. I don't know why. There were about a million different ways I could've saved it. But I didn't" I tell her my voice cracking several times as I openly vocalize my guilt for the first time to someone other than myself.

"Peter. My grandma has been dead for almost 4 years now. Wanna know something I've learned?" She tells me looking over at me with sad eyes.

"ok" I mumble weakly.

"The 'what ifs' and 'should-haves' will eat you alive until you have nothing left." She says softly. A few silent tears ran down her cheeks and it was silent for a while before she had the courage to continue.

"My grandma had this corny saying. She swore and lived by these words. Let your past make you better not bitter." She says as if from memory.

"And even though I am still learning how to be better, I've learned not to let her death turn me bitter."

" I was angry at myself, angry at the murderer, angry at the world for a while. But if we wait until we're ready to move on, we will be waiting for the rest of our lives Peter" She finishes looking at me for a long second before sighing and looking at the road again.

***

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