If I Remember You

1

Peter

After I saw MJ and Ned looking so happy and significantly more at peace without me, I just simply couldn't bring myself to tell them. It would be completely selfish of me if I did. They are finally doing everything they wanted to do and they didn't need me ruining it for them.

Plus, the only person that I could absolutely never live without telling is already gone. So what's the point into dragging more people I care about into my mess? Aunt May would still be alive if I hadn't wanted to play hero in the first place. I just can't bring myself to think about her for too long because it hurts too damn much.

I've been crying on and off for the past couple of months. It always hits me harder on late nights. In thick silence I let my mind wander off . All the ifs and the buts overwhelm me easily. And it's when I let the sadness wash over me that I realize I no longer have May to cuddle me back to sleep. Telling me "it's okay Peter. I got you. I'm right here." It's the fact that I yearn her warm hugs and I always took them for granted while she was still with me. I just assumed that her embrace would always be there to hold me together and at the end I was the one to hold her as her warmth left her.

Despite everything and everyone, my Aunt May was always the only constant thing in my life. I knew that even if the whole world was against me, she never would. And truly she never was. She died trying to protect me. But I wish she never had to. I should've never become Spider-Man had I known that and now it is all I'll ever be.

A curse and a gift.

I would give it all up to have May with me.

"Its just me and you" was her favorite catch phrase. I used to think it was the corniest thing. It was the most embarrassing thing. I never in a million years thought it would end with only me.

I've ponder over and over again. Maybe if I had been quick enough, I'd been able to push her out of the way. I should've sensed the glider flying towards her. Why didn't I sense it?

I should've taken her to safety before fighting Osborn. Why didn't I just swing her into a different building? I had time. I had plenty of time to do that. But I didn't.

And the bomb? I dodge drones and a bullet from Mysterio while he was playing mind tricks on me in London but I couldn't stop something that was right of me. I could've webbed it, at least away from May. Why didn't I webbed it when I had the chance?

Why did I even let May come with me at all? She had no reason to be there. It's not like she could've helped conjured a cure for any of the villains in the condo. So why did I let her mingle with bad guys? I should've dropped her off at Ned's house. Aunt May would've been safe there with Ned and MJ. Why didn't I ever think of that? She was a walking target and I let her be one. What the hell was I even thinking?

I should've known better. Happy could've picked her up from work. I should've left her at FEAST and had Happy pick her instead. Why didn't I think of that before I dragged her into this mess?

What a fucking hero I am.

I couldn't even save my own family. I fucking save people for a living and I couldn't save May. The irony that is my life.

Fuck this. Fuck Spider-Man! I fought Thanos and I couldn't fight a stupid villain in a hover flying board. What did fighting aliens even taught me if I couldn't even beat an ordinary guy screwed in the head? How does any of this make sense?

She's gone and her death serves to remind me the exact reason for why Peter Parker no longer exists.

Knowing me was a curse and forgetting me was a gift.

So yeah, loosing Ned, MJ, and Happy is the second most difficult thing I've ever had to do. But I am willing to do whatever it takes to keep them from harms way. Even if that means keeping them safe from me.

I'm their biggest threat. Because wherever I go, death follows.

And I won't be selfish with them like I was with May.

I'm Spider-Man now. It is all I'll be from now on.

Peter Parker is dead.

***

Please Read:

Hey Spideys! 🕸🕷

Ok, I know, I know.  No #spideychelle content yet. But I just wanted to give you a peak at Peter's coping mechanism. Survivor's guilt and even the way he is processing grief. We didn't get to see it in the movie and I wanted to give you all a glimpse inside Peter's mind. Do some serious house work before really kick starting all the romance and drama.

I want you all to familiarize yourself with Peter and I needed to start at the root of his problem. Aunt May was and still is a huge part of his life and continues to impact Peter's character arc. She is a monumental piece in what makes Peter who he is. She has played a huge role in shaping how he defines himself. So I hope you guys get to see his vulnerability throughout the book.

So how do you like it so far?

Don't forget to vote and comment. Suggestions always welcomed.

With love,

breebaqbooks