Only On Paper / JJK

Chapter 23

You wish you can say it all comes back, all those memories, but they don't. The searing pain and azure surroundings only brings back something that confuses the hell out of you.

It's heart shattering, lying there as if you're asleep only to be reliving a life you don't remember. Even as you see it behind the lids of your closed eyes, it feels like someone else's.

The Taehyung, Yoongi, Namjoon, and Jungkook you see now can't be the same ones you know. They must be someone else's. Maybe in some alternate universe, but they're not yours. They're different. The version of them you saw before you fainted wouldn't be this... happy. The thought tugs at something inside of you.

Because they should be. Happy. Forgetting Jungkook broke them apart. The glue that kept them all together had been wiped from existence.

The person that introduced them was gone.

Now that he's back, everything has changed. They're not friends anymore. Some can barely tolerate each other. That was putting it lightly because, your brother downright despises Jungkook.

You're sure they're all equally concerned about you right now, but it's strange how close they are in this memory, all full of smiles and laughter. You don't think you've ever heard Yoongi laugh so hard. It sounds foreign yet, at the same time, so familiar.

"You cheated!" Taehyung exclaimed, shoving Jungkook playfully after losing to him in a round of Super Smash Bros.

"You're just saying that because you suck," Jungkook responded with a chuckle.

"It's just a game, you two," Namjoon joins in.

Yoongi rolls his eyes at them, even though he's smiling. "Yeah, and there's nothing wrong with cheating as long as you don't do it in a relationship."

As soon as he says it, they all look at you, and something in the atmosphere shifts. Jungkook has disappeared, and everyone else's lips have upturned, each giving you a somber expression. Even the room, has somehow darkened.

Namjoon suddenly stands. One second he's by the couch he was sitting at, and the next, he's in front of you, embracing you in his arms. It feels so warm and safe, like home.

"It's not your fault, Y/n. You shouldn't blame yourself. It was an accident," Namjoon tightens his hold on you, as if he's afraid to lose you. That's when you realize you're crying. Your tears are soaking Namjoon's black tee. The wet fabric presses coldly against your face.

He pulls back slightly and places his hands gently on each shoulder. "He did it to himself."

You jerk away and break out into a sob. Namjoon's eyes widen at your abruptness. Even you're suprised at your response. It's strange, because though you feel sad in this memory, you can't really connect to it.

Taking a step back, you start shouting. "How can it not be my fault? He's dead because of me."

"No, he's not." Namjoon keeps his voice low, but every word cuts through the air like a knife.

"Joon, if I had been there," you trail off, unable to admit why he's gone.

Namjoon shakes his head. "If you're at fault, then so am I."

You let out a heavy sigh, but your chest still feels so tight.

He's right, you think. You're both responsible.

Taehyung and Yoongi stay quiet. They had no part in it. You wonder how they feel about what happened.

Do they hate you for what you did?

"What we did was wrong, Y/n," Namjoon continues when you don't answer. He tears his puffy eyes away from you to look down at his clenched hands. A tear streaks down his face. "It was wrong, but I don't regret it."

When he says that, his gaze returns to yours, and you realize why you felt so secure in his arms.

"You're his best friend. How can you say that?"

"I'd make the same decisions if given the chance to go back." His breathing steadies as he becomes more sure of what to say. "I'd do it all over again, Y/n."

"Stop," you whisper, but your words go unheard.

"He hurt you." The words sting, and your eyes water once more. "You needed him, and he left you alone to get drunk with his new friends."

You don't want to hear anymore, but Namjoon doesn't do what you ask.

"He wasn't there, Y/n," he pauses. "I was."

The step you took back, Namjoon takes forward, closing some of the distance between you.

"He didn't die because we had an affair." Namjoon's voice progressively gets softer.

"Jungkook died because he didn't love you like he should've."

a/n: this chapter was a lot shorter than i intended... and i know i said the story would slow down for a bit lol and it does starting in the next chapter. things are going to be so tense when she wakes up bc now we know more about what happened in the past. and damn, she cheated on jungkook with namjoon. makes sense now why he's chasing after her. but it doesn't make sense why jungkook is so close to namjoon now. hmmm, i wondered what happened there? i'd love to hear your theories on that and how you think jungkook died. so many things are still left unanswered. see you in the next update.