A Series of Unfortunate Events: Vol. 2

The Austere Academy [3]

The expression 'making a mountain out of a molehill' simply means making a big deal out of a small deal. It's easy to see how this expression came about. Molehills are mounds of earth serving as condominiums for small mammals. And they have never caused anyone any harm, except for maybe a stubbed toe if you're being pushed by a bully. Mountains, however, are very large mounds of earth and are constantly causing problems. From frostbite to border disputes, hang gliding mishaps. This is why when we call something a mountain, we mean that it is a large amount of trouble. When Nero described the shack where the Baudelaires were living, he was not making a mountain out of a molehill. If anything...

"It's small," Violet noted as she and her siblings looked around the orphan shack.

"Even for a shack," Klaus added.

...he was making a molehill out of a mountain.

Klaus jumped back "Uh, crabs!"

"Our shack has crabs!" Violet exclaimed.

The siblings climbed onto the hay bales only to find the next problem dripping from the ceiling.

"Fungus," Violet noted with distaste.

"Our shack has dripping fungus," Klaus sighed.

The Baudelaires turned when a newspaper landed at their door.

'Orphans Happy. Getting Splendid Education.'

"Misinformation," Sunny babbled.

Their shack had misinformation.

Klaus sighed as he placed Sunny to sit on the hay bale. "This is ridiculous,"

"We can fix it up a little," Violet assured.

"I don't mean this shack, I mean this school. Orphans shouldn't be punished for not having parents. And who ties people's hands behind their backs to eat?"

"I know, but we have to think about the bigger picture." Violet unfolded the picture from their Aunt "Our parents were part of something. Our guardians, too. It might be why these terrible things keep happening,"

"We'll never find out or find Fia if we're stuck here,"

"This is a school. Let's see what we can learn," Violet placed the picture on the wall of the shack.

***

"Good morning, class," a male teacher greeted as he ate a banana "including our latest orphan,"

Everyone in the room turned to look at Violet as she sat in the back of the classroom.

"My name is Mr. Remora, and today, for language arts, I will continue telling anecdotes from my own life that I find amusing. You'll take notes, and there will be a test. Okay, one day, I think it was a Tuesday, I was in the mood for macaroni and cheese, so I said to myself, 'Today, Tuesday, I think I'll have some macaroni and cheese'. It's important to remember it wasn't elbow macaroni or the decorative butterfly kind, or even the tube-shaped macaroni..."

***

"Good morning, children." A female teacher greeted "May I have your undivided attention? And that includes you, Daniel. I understand we have a brand new orphan today,"

Much similar to what had happened to Violet, the students in this classroom all turned to face Klaus as he sat in the back of the class.

"It must be difficult for you to measure how unhappy you are without your parents," The teacher continued. "But we're gonna try. My name is Mrs. Bass, and we'll continue our lessons on the metric system by measuring various objects. Later we'll have a quiz. The first thing to measure is this jar of mayonnaise I found in my garage,"

***

"Next letter," Vice Principle Nero told Sunny in his office. "'Dear Juilliard School of Music, I was confused by your restraining order of October 13th'," he looked over at Sunny as she typed on the typewriter "Faster! You type like a one-year-old!"

Sunny slid the document to start a new line.

"Where was I? 'Dear Juilliard School of Music, I was baffled by your restraining order of October 13th. What did I do?'"

***

Carmelita stood in front of the students as they did Physical Education. "Call those jumping jacks? I've seen better jumping jacks from old people!"

Count Olaf looked between the cracks of the bleachers at the scene before him "Hiding under the bleachers again, just like so many youthful days spent hatching plans and looking for cigarette butts,"

"Were you unpopular?" Hookman wondered "I know how that feels,"

"No. I was a rebel,"

"I bet people were jealous of your looks," One of the twins claimed.

"Unless you were a late bloomer," The other twin said.

"I was not a late bloomer," Count Olaf hissed. "Girls were falling all over me in school, and not just because I extended my leg when they walked by. I was a lone wolf, a mysterious stranger, a member of the drama club. This school is desperate for my return, but that advanced computer prevents us from waltzing in the front door. We need someone on the inside, a student who will help us infiltrate if infiltrate is what I mean,"

Fia raised an eyebrow "Do you mean 'to penetrate an institution surreptitiously'?"

"What kid's gonna help us?" Hookman asked.

"I will be more than..." Fia started.

"The moment you go in those doors you'll run to those orphans and tell them my plan," Count Olaf growled.

"Worth a shot," Fia shrugged.

"Hey, cake-sniffer!" Carmelita exclaimed. "You're as ugly as something I found in my teeth recently!"

Count Olaf moved back towards the crack "Little girl," he called out.

Carmelita turned "Little girl? I'm 4'7,"

Count Olaf chuckled "That's a pretty broach you have,"

Carmelita smiled as she leaned closer "Make me an offer,"