A Series of Unfortunate Events: Vol. 2

The Austere Academy [7]

"He found us again," Klaus said as he opened the door to the orphan shack. "Everywhere we go, he shows up to steal our fortune,"

"How can he get our fortune as a gym teacher?" Violet pointed out.

"There's treachery lurking in most exercise programs,"

"I can't believe he fooled everyone again,"

Duncan and Isadora entered the orphan shack.

"Not everyone," Duncan admitted.

"Don't worry, Baudelaires." Isadora said, "Don't feel disgrace. The Quagmire triplets are on the case,"

"You're kind and generous," Violet said, "but we can't let you get involved,"

"Violet's right. Olaf is too dangerous," Klaus agreed.

"He's too dangerous for you to face alone," Duncan argued.

"We can run away. All of us," Isador added. "Our parents own the famous Quagmire Sapphires, so when we come of age, we can live on our own,"

"We're not of age yet," Klaus said. "Besides, we tried running away and ended up working in a lumber mill. Count Olaf still found us there. Plus, we're not leaving Fia in that man's grasp any longer,"

Isadora looked at the picture of the lumber mill pinned to the wall. "That's a picture of our parents,"

"Our parents, too," Violet said.

"They did know each other," Klaus said.

"We had this photo in our library." Isadora recalled, "We never paid attention to it,"

"I bet there were other mysteries we never noticed," Duncan reasoned.

"Like a spyglass," Violet listed.

"Or a book," Klaus reasoned. "We need to survive long enough to find it,"

"The librarian said to check back in a day or so," Duncan said.

"We don't have a day or so." Violet argued, "It's almost sundown,"

The group turned as the door to the shack opened to reveal Carmelita.

"I'm here to deliver a special message to the Baudelaires," Carmelita explained. She began tap dancing. "The sun is setting, hooray. Hooray. Coach Genghis sent me here to say. The Baudelaire orphans go to the field. And my name is Carmelita!"

"That doesn't even rhyme," Isadora pointed out.

"Only cake-sniffers care about poetic form," Carmelita huffed as she left the shed.

***

"He laughed at his own foolishness." Larry recited as he paced back and forth in the freezer, trying to keep Fia awake. "Ha-ha-ha. As he laughed, he noted the numbness in his bare fingers. Also, he noted the feeling which had come to his toes when he sat down was already fading away. He wondered whether the toes were warm or numb. He moved them inside the moccasins,"

"Jack London, if I'm not mistaken," A male voice said from the freezer door.

Fia lifted her head, but the cold made it difficult for her to open her eyes.

Larry turned. "What?"

"The story you were just reciting is by Jack London," The man said as he kicked the freezer door open.

"Snicket?"

"Jacques Snicket." The man introduced, "Did somebody call for a taxi?"

***

Coach Genghis blew his whistle as the Baudelaires approached. "Punctuation, orphans. Punctuation,"

"Punctuation?" Violet voiced confused.

"The art of arriving not late,"

"That's punctuality," Klaus corrected. "You said to be here at sundown. We're not late,"

"That's curious. Someone just referred to you as the late Baudelaires. Maybe they were talking about your parents,"

Klaus and Violet shared a look.

"That reminds me of a story that I'm gonna tell you. Some years ago, a set of wealthy children came to me, needing my help. There were three of them, one of each. Girl, boy, and baby. Coach Genghis, they said to me, we're failures. Our parents have abandoned us for careers as burnt-up skeletons. We have nothing in our lives but all these bags of money, and they're making us failures who read books and stuff. And do you know what I told them?"

The Principal raised his hand. "I know this one. Did you tell them to stand up?"

"They were already standing,"

"To actualize and incentivize?"

"That doesn't mean anything. I told them to put on some very expensive running shoes." Coach Genghis tossed Klaus a set of shoes "and then to take this bucket of luminous paint. Luminous is a word I invented for things that glow in the dark,"

"We know what luminous means," Klaus inputted.

"And then they are to drag this bucket around and around until they have made a luminous circle on the ground," Coach Genghis handed the bucket to Violet.

"That's it?" The principal asked.

"Yes, that's my exercise program. Genius ideas are simple, like the wheel or neurosurgery. The orphans will run around and around and around in a circle to exercise their mother-and father-less legs,"

"Um, okay, but what are you going to tell the Baudelaires to do?"

"What am I..."

"Yeah,"

"It's the same,"

"What's the same?"

"Isn't it time for your little light to shine?"

"Oh," I need a few minutes to rosin my bow," The principal walked back into the academy.

"Don't say that in front of the children," Coach Genghis said disgusted.

Violet turned towards Coach Genghis. "Whatever you're up to, Olaf, we will..."

Olaf blew his whistle.

***

Jacques Snicket carried Fia out of the freezer.

Larry started to hobble off. "I've got to get the book to the Baudelaires,"

"Try not to speak until we get some hot chocolate in you," Jacques reasoned.

"Well, well, if it isn't a cake-sniffer and his cake-sniffing friend," Carmelita said as she walked into the cafeteria.

"You must be Carmelita Spats,"

Carmelita frowned. "How do you know?"

"I work for an organization that keeps tabs on young people of interest,"

Carmelita scoffed. "Well, obviously. I'm interesting,"

"Interesting can mean a few different things. A polka-dot suit is interesting, but no one looks good in one. This man here, is my friend," Jacques nodded toward where Larry stood behind him. "And I don't appreciate anyone mistreating my friends or my family, no matter what age they are," He led Larry out of the cafeteria as he continued to carry Fia's unconscious form. "Oh, and by the way, I believe it takes one to know one. Cake sniffer,"

Larry looked up at Jacques in shock. "You stood up for me,"

"Going back to school can be traumatic. That's why I keep a trauma blanket in my cab. Which we need to get her into quickly,"

"My hero," Larry breathed a sigh of relief.