Jerrie One Shots

She's Always A Woman To Me

Buckle up, she's a longer one, but in honour of Pride Month, here you go!

(Plus a picture I took of the girls hyping up Perrie's SLS high note.)

Summary: Perrie's stuck with the guilt of hiding her identity from Jade. She finally decides to tell her.

TW// Self-harm, mentions of attempted suicide, homophobic and transphobic slur.
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I can't do this anymore. Keeping this secret is eating me up inside. My anxiety is getting even worse than usual and I'm sick of it. For years I've been feeling this way, but it's worse now. Because of her. I don't want to hide myself from her any longer but I'm terrified. Terrified of what she's going to say. Terrified of what it could mean for us. It's too much.

I lift my head up from where it's resting on my knees and glance around the bathroom from my place on the floor. I close my eyes, breathing out deeply, and just let the tears that have been brewing fall to the ground.

She's going to hate you. Your friends are going to hate you. The world is going to hate you.

"Shut up!" I scream in pain, grasping the sides of my head to try and quiet the voices down. They've been ruthless. For the past year they've made a reappearance, but this week they've reached their peak.

I wipe my eyes, a little bit too aggressively, and stand up straight. I ignore the head rush from standing up too quick, and walk toward the big floor-length mirror we keep in here.

I force myself to stare at the thing I hate most: my body. My hips aren't curvy enough. My shoulders are too masculine. My boobs are too small. My jaw is too sharp. And the scars. Oh the scars. They're possibly the worst thing I've ever laid my eyes on.

I use my pointer finger to roughly trace the intents along the top of my thighs. Then slowly move them up toward my neck, where I trace the small line on the hollow of my throat and wrap my fingers around my neck. I stop myself, bringing them to my face and trace the site of my most recent surgery. Gentle touches dance across my nose and eyes, making me shiver. No matter how many surgeries I get to fix myself, it's never going to be enough. I'm in a war with my brain and I'll always lose. This disease will never rid from my mind.

"Babe?" My head shoots to the bathroom door when I hear her voice accompanied by the sound of knocking. "I heard screaming, are you alright?" Fuck of course she heard me. How could she not?

"Y-yeah, I'm fine." Anyone with a brain cell could tell that I wasn't fine.

"No you're not." She responds sternly, making a few more tears fall out of my eyes. This time, I can't even attempt to stop the sobs from escaping. "Baby please open the door. I'm worried."

She's sounds so scared and it breaks my heart. I really wish I could open the door right now, but I can't. I don't know what I'm going to say to her.

She knocks louder and more frantically with each knock, I know she's worried, but so am I. She's worried because I'm not responding, but I'm worried because she's knocking. It's an endless cycle and I know that I'm going to have to be the one to end it. All I can do is face the truth. I've been fighting for way too long and I'm tired.

"Perrie please!" She begs and I can tell she's close to tears.

Somehow I manage to drag my feet to the door and unlock it. I'm immediately engulfed into the arms of my girlfriend, whose not even bothered that this is the first time she has seen me naked. I let myself collapse, trusting her to catch me. She brushes the hair out of my face and cradles my head close to her chest.

"Shh you're okay, I've got you." She rocks us both back and forth in attempt to comfort not just me, but her too. I can feel it working as my cries become less and breathing becomes easier. "I love you so much."