Worth Any Risk

Ch. 29 Together

*Jordan

I sit back in the car seat, stunned. I look around me as if seeing the world for the first time—the first time since I was a little girl, at least. I saw clearly then, too. The beauty, the ugliness, the truth. After years of being told I was to blame for all that ugliness, that it was my fault for being hit, that it was normal I had to keep my mouth shut and my head down, that I would never achieve anything worthwhile, I believed it.

I believed them both—my father and Trey. I kept seeing the world they wanted me to see, long after they were gone. My sisters ran as soon as they were free from our father's razor sharp cruelty, which was only after he died. I suppose Trey ran from his cruel father, too, but destroyed everyone's life he could on his way. Then there was Cole. Another person running from parents and this town as soon as possible.

Well, I am going to stay. I am going to stand my ground.

But I don't want to give up Cole. Not when he's the only man I've ever loved. Broken as me, and beautiful enough to crack my heart wide open, after I sealed it shut for all these years alone.

He might already be gone.

The driver coughs. I had completely forgotten about him. "The work address you gave me?"

"No," I say. I'm an idiot, but I can call in sick. "My home, where you picked me up."

"That's fine, but you booked a thirty-minute drive to—"

"You'll get your money. Just be quiet and let me think."

His mouth snaps shut and he drives in sullen silence, but I ignore his displeasure. It is nothing to me. I have my credit card out and ready the second he pulls into my drive. There is no sign of Cole, and I can't see his camper from here, if it's still in the back.

I don't have the courage to call him, yet. I will decide what to do if his camper is still here.

The driver returns my card and I shudder to think of how much this morning has added to my debt. One thing at a time. I climb out of the car and stand rooted to the spot.

If the camper is here, do I call him? If the camper is gone, do I call him? Or not? Let him go because that's his choice or fight for what I love? I told him he wasn't the man for me...

When the ugliness inside was too much to bear, I lashed out at the one beautiful thing to come my way in years. I'd be long gone, if I were him.

I move slowly across the drive to the corner of the house. The paint is crackled and peeling. I need to change the siding. I glance up at the gutters and see a wad of sticks and leaves hanging over the edge. I need to get up there and clean.

Keep moving, Jordan.

The day is warming up, and the birds are calming down from their full chorus at dawn. My feet crunch softly on drying grass and bits of last year's dead leaves. I should clean up the yard. Plant some flowers.

I stop halfway to the corner. I can't do this. I can't face another empty space.

The empty house after my sisters left. The empty rooms after Trey took Emma. The empty seats at the table. My empty hand when I walk through town. I've been trying to pretend that I'm fine. More than fine, I'm perfect, when the only thing around me is emptiness. That emptiness crept inside, like the lies I believed.

Another empty space where Cole should be will destroy me.

I force myself forward, to be strong this one last time. I am going to stand my ground and fight, and if that means rounding the corner to find him already gone, then so be it.