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Addiction

"No" Catra retorted, feeling trapped by her roommate, who was still too close and sandwiched her against the wall.
"Yes!" The blonde insisted.
"No, I have no addiction - there's nothing to talk about." The latina replied, shoving Adora lightly to be let free.
It worked.
"Oh, please! I saw the bottle of rum on the table! I can't imagine how many of those you finish while I'm out! Have you ever even been sober since you moved in?" The blonde was yelling again.
"It's not an addiction! I'm just having fun! Plus, alcol is legal and I'm old enough! I know what I'm doing!" Catra growled.
"You have no self-control Cat! I was there while you puked! I cleaned you up! Angella saw you sleeping on the stairs! Your hours are crazy!" Adora insisted.
"Shut the fuck up! We both know what living with a drunkard is like! I have plenty of control! I don't hurt anyone!" She snapped, finally turning to her roommate, while her fist smashed on the table.
"You are hurting yourself, idiot! There's a reason I was so terrified of leaving without knowing if you were fine! It's so stressful focusing on the academy without the assurance you are safe!" The blonde replied.
"I'm fine, Adora! I have no addiction - and let me just say, bold words from someone who is building a carrer on getting themselves hurt and/or killed! Seriously, you are an hypocrite!" Catra defended, wishing for a glass of whatever to soothe her building anger.
"Not this again! There's the 0,06% of probability that I die while I'm working, ok? It's safe! I'm trained! And I'm here because I was so upset by your disappearance that I knocked out my sparring partners! The headmaster talked to me and decided to send me home to fix it, even if I had said I could handle it!" Adora told angrily, starting to walk in circles, like anytime she is panicking because she feels like loosing control.
And Catra saw that, knew that.
"Oh, for a moment there I thought you had planned to ambush me!" The brunette accused and her roommate glared in her direction.
"I only planned to talk to you and try to understand what the hell is going on in your head! I get it - the addiction - ok? I know what you have gone through, but it's not healthy! At least try to admit it! Please!" Adora begged.
"You have no fucking idea what I've gone through! You weren't there! You left me with a child abuser! Don't you dare blame me for surviving, while you had the fucking major to look after you!" The brunette snapped.
The baby blue eyes closed and the buff figure sat on the couch, almost inflating like a burst balloon.

Adora felt defeated, because even if she was fighting her out of love, it was exhausting.

"I know about the fights...and those, with the alcol and the cigarettes and your lifestyle...I don't see how it could end up well. It's consuming, self-harming...it's illness, Catra. How long can you last like this? And admit it, are you in any gang? Or are you betting again? Because you have no job, but plenty of money to buy the shit that's killing you slowly. Wha-what about going to therapy? Would it help? We can organise it, if you want. Perfuma is a psychologist herself..." Adora rambled quietly and slow, like hers weren't deep words, like she was reading something.
"Would you do that to? Therapy? Because if you have to keep being a pain in my ass, at least be coherent. Think about it, Adora, you wouldn't just be some cop, you are obsessed with fixing and saving, with sacrificing and duty! You always wanted to be a hero...and last week it was a bully at the park, but next time it could be a drug dealer or some gangster with a fucking gun! This uniform is your addiction." Catra hissed back, tugging her button up, just to shove her in the couch at the end of her monologue.

Silence filled the room and they felt ever so heavy, hardly breathing after such a conversation and Catra needed a drink.

"I can't go to therapy..." Adora only managed to mutter.
"Alright, then that's it." The brunette stated, walking to the cabinet and bring out the rum once again.

The blonde didn't dare to look at her roommate, feeling her eyes burning with unwanted tears.
"I'll go jogging." She said softly.
"Whatever" Catra whispered, while pouring her fucking drink.
She deserved it after such a scene.

Adora went in their bedroom and changed into her sport clothes, undoing and fixing back up her ponytail.
Stealing a fast glance at her roommate, sat on the couch with a drink and watching her phone, she went out of their apartment, starting running along her usual path.

I was scared, Adora! I needed space from us! Flash news, idiot, you might trust me, but I don't trust you!

Why can't she trust her? What did she do so wrong?

Yeah, I had to escape

Escape...from Adora?

...we weren't supposed to?

Well- well...fuck! She knows that too, it's just...she wanted it so much, it felt so right and Catra was so beautiful...

Obviously, Adora had fucked it all up!

It was usually easy to know what she was supposed to do, but that night she didn't think, she was so lulled by the brunette's presence and she basked in the desire and excitement...

No- no, we- I can't deepen our relationship, I'm sorry - I- I - it won't last, ok? I can't trust you.

But she wasn't supposed to, that's not what Mara saved her for...that's not why she is still alive.

and if you kiss me, if we do anything like that again...you would be asking me to fall in love with you - and I don't want it.

How could Adora do anything like that with Catra - to Catra?!

Adora had sweared to fix it, to protect her family...yet she found herself putting the most important person of her life in such a position.

The blonde was the only one to blame, of course Catra couldn't trust her!
She had spent days romanticising what had happened between the two of them and now the brunette had to deal with her madness.

Helping Catra would mean stop her from hurting herself, not to kiss her and complicate everything!

Shut the fuck up! We both know what living with a drunkard is like! I have plenty of control! I don't hurt anyone!

How do you help someone who doesn't want to be helped?

You have no fucking idea what I've gone through! You weren't there! You left me with a child abuser! Don't you dare blame me for surviving

Would Adora ever be able to fix her worst mistake?
She had made so many of them, but this...
Would she had ever been able to recognise her enormous error if Mara didn't die?

bold words from someone who is building a carrer on getting themselves hurt and/or killed! Seriously, you are an hypocrite!

Catra couldn't understand, no she really couldn't...Adora had made a promise to herself and to Mara.
It's not madness, it's not self-harm: Adora has a debt to pay, a duty, a vocation.

It's not hypocrisies.

The blonde somehow snapped out of her thoughts when she stumbled into some root in the park and fell forward.
She found herself panting crazily, barely able to breath and her whole body sore.
She even needed a moment to recognise where she was...she had ran for almost 40 minutes straight now.

As she tried to collect herself before turning back toward her place, she thought a little longer.

After all the people she had hurt, all the mistakes she had made...how could she do something like ask help? For what? Help to forget all her mess? Go forward the people she has left?
No, the only thing she could do - deserve to do - was stay, face her wrongs and try to fix everything.

That's what Mara had sacrifice herself for, because she believed Adora could make the world better.

Truth was, her pain was her motivation and there was a job to be done.

"I can't go to therapy now." She whispered herself.