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———— EVERYTHING.
she didn't know what he meant.
he wanted to know everything, but what did that exactly entail? surely, he had heard enough from her parents. what more could he have wanted to know?
"not sure what to say?" he asked.
she shifted awkwardly, bringing her knees to her chest as she hugged them, feeling a sense of warmth and protection. she needed it, because she wasn't sure how this was going to go.
how do you explain something like this without making it seem childish and naïve? how do you look someone in the eye and list out every single reason that led you to fall in love with them, only to regret it immensely once the realization hit?
how do you protect yourself when trying to speak about something so disgustingly vulnerable?
"okay, since you aren't going to talk first, i will," gojo started, leaning back on his hands, "i think that you found yourself in a spot where you wanted to love someone. you found yourself seeing it all around, and it made you feel kind of empty inside. so, you fixated on anyone that you bonded with." he noticed her hug her knees closer, if that was even possible. "but, it was nothing more than fixation. i believe that, yes, you did fall in love with the likes of me, nanami, itadori, and so on. but, there was never a real attraction there."
"it was real, at some point," she mumbled, turning her head to look at him. "it was all real for a time, and that scared the shit out of me, gojo. it didn't feel real, but those feelings just sat there in the front of my mind. and it fucking sucked that it was like that for me."
"you could've told someone, y'know. it's not something that you have to push down and avoid forever. your friends, your family, they'll listen."
"i know, but-"
"don't make an excuse. think about why you never wanted to talk about it."
she knew why. she knew exactly why she never wanted to talk about it. but, talking about it and admitting it made her want to throw up. it was stupid. things didn't have to be this hard, and yet, they were.
she didn't know how it started. if you watched this from an outsider's viewpoint, it was always megumi. no questions asked. but, at some point, he distanced himself for a period of time. she wasn't sure why, but it made her feel lonely. so, the next person to latch onto?
nanami.
she went on countless missions with him, always volunteering to go and assist even if he didn't need it. to be near him was more than enough. he talked to her about a lot of things, and even inspired her to go to school. he opened up more once he was comfortable with her, and she saw parts of him that he normally kept closed off. it was amazing to see the human behind the shell.
but, all good things must come to an end. she eventually realized she had fallen for him and pushed herself away. next person to latch onto?
itadori.
he was always there. whether she liked it or not, he was always close by. they say you fall in love by being near someone for so long, and maybe that's what happened. having itadori to talk to all the time made it easy for her to fall. his selflessness and passion were admirable, and he never backed down from his feelings. he was always open and honest. but, hanging with itadori so much bothered sukuna, who often swapped out to try and kill the girl so she wouldn't bother them anymore. eventually, sukuna realized what was going on and just let it happen.
that was when she realized what had happened, and then she had moved on. next?
gojo.
a pain in the ass the man was. his relentless flirting, his playboy demeanor, his arrogance. everything you could hate in someone. she didn't know how it happened, if we're being honest. was it his persistence in being a pain in the ass? was it the fact that, for a period of time, he had been locked away and she missed his damning presence? or was it because deep down, she knew he cared for her, even if he had a really irritating way of showing it? not sure. also, he's gojo. very good looking man.
all of these things transpired into conversations with herself. a lot of questions left unanswered, a lot of mistakes made. she was human; it was allowed.
she let go of the breath she assumed she had been holding for years. that's what it felt like, at least. like now that she was going to talk about it, the immense weight in her chest would finally go away.
"you all have been so good to me, y'know? maybe that is my reason for everything. so many people were good to me, and i didn't know how to act because it's never been like that. i grew up with the same people for years, but coming to tokyo, everything was different. the people, the city, all of it. it was like i could find myself for the first time without all the hassle of being this image of perfection at home. i finally had the chance to be my own person, as obnoxious and annoying and loud and emotional as i wanted. you all were a part of my awakening, i guess you could call it. you all accepted me for who i was, and it was everything i could've asked for," she finally said.
it made sense, and gojo knew he wouldn't have been the only one to think so. he hated to admit that it made him a little upset, though. seeing how she grew, how she came to be her own person. it was beautiful and riveting. but, he knew better than to prey on her vulnerability at the moment.
"come back soon, okay? we'll all be waiting for you," gojo said quietly, leaning over and placing a kiss on her head before standing up and heading out to give her some time to think.
[y/n] basked in the cool breeze and warm sun now that she was alone. she had a lot to think about, as well as a decision to make for when she got back.
"all we do is think about the feelings that we hide," she whispered.
