Hope That Never Dies

FOURTEEN

Filler chapter:
(this chapter is not necessary to read in order to understand the story, but this chapter will give you a better understanding of what Lydia is feeling on the inside.)

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(This chapter is about Lydia's mental struggles, therefore the following TW goes for the entire chapter.)

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I like to describe depression as if you were drowning.
At first you're kicking and screaming just trying to get a breath of air, hoping that someone is close enough to hear your calls and save you. But eventually you get tired, everything in your body aches, from your figurative soul to the nails of your feet to the loose strands of hair on your head.
Your body gives out, even if you don't want it to, even if your trying your hardest, see depression doesn't care that you're a good person or that you have tones to be happy for, it doesn't have a criteria of people it infects, it just does.

Soon after your body gives out so does your heart, you finally except your fate and let the water in. Your left floating, numb and cold underwater, all you want to do is nothing because that's the only thing you can do.

You look up and see everyone else smiling and laughing above the water, you wonder how they don't notice that you're gone, that you're dying, that you're drowning right in front of their eyes.

Calling out to them doesn't do a thing, because their too focused on themselves to notice anyone else. Too focused on their own problems to notice everyone else's.

Sadness and numbness aren't the only feelings that's come with depression. Anger. And A lot of it, see anger is a secondary emotion, it doesn't come out of no where, it comes from another emotion that's consumed you, whether that be, betrayal, disappointed, jealousy, abandonment, sadness etc..

You start getting angry towards everyone, you get angry because maybe if someone cared enough to notice you were in pain you wouldn't have ended up as deep in depression as you are now.

What people don't realize is that those who hurt the most are the ones hurting the most.

It doesn't justify their actions or the way they choose to display their anger but it goes to show that villains and heroes are determined by which side of the story is being told and by whom.

Some say that the kindest souls are the ones that have felt the most pain. Well that's simply not true, because those who have felt the most pain don't feel anything but pain, therefore it being the only thing they can demonstrate.

There's a difference between sadness and depression, most people mistaken them for the same when in fact they are quite different.
Sadness comes with a reason; bad nights sleep, fight with parent, loss of a friend etc...
Depression on the other hand doesn't need a reason; you can have everything this world has to offer, everything you ever wanted or needed, and for some reason you still feel the emptiness of a missing heart.

Self harm isn't an automatic diagnoses for depression.
Most people do it because they feel shitty towards a thing that happened, but some, those in deep depression do it because they feel nothing towards the thing that happened. And so they need something to hurt, to remind them that they are still able to feel something, to feel pain. The blood is a nice reminder that you're living.

The physical scars represent the ones on the inside. It's a way a making the pain physical. And when they fade, heal over, you think that the same should have happened on the inside, but when you realized it hadn't you're forced to it again. If the pain hadn't healed over on the inside why should it on the outside? It can't.

Depression isn't something you want to use as an excuse to avoid doing your own laundry. If you could just concentrate long enough to work, you wouldn't have to cope with the overwhelming guilt and anxiety that builds as you fall further behind on your responsibilities.

It wanted to kill someone, I wanted to die, you tell me how you think the story ends.

Everything seems hopeless. I'm not holding out much hope for anything. Even the idea of having to spend another day like this is cruel.

I didn't want to get out of bed. I'm happiest while I'm sleeping. And that's a problem. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, in the way that you're relieved when you wake up from a nightmare. But the thing is I wasn't waking up from a nightmare, I was waking up to a nightmare.

My entire life I've been struggling with this lonely and empty feeling. The first time I had ever decided to do something about it was when I was 12, and ended up in the hospital because of it. I wish I could say I have hope to over come my depression but the truth is I've been living with it for so long I can't seem to remember a time I didn't. I've accepted the fact that I will forever feel this pain. And I hate the universe for not letting me die, all my attempts and yet not one has worked.

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A/N:

Hello beautiful's, I hope everyone is doing fine after this chapter.

Please seek help if needed:

Globally, it is estimated that 1 in 7 (14%) 10-19 year-olds experience mental health conditions(1), yet these remain largely unrecognized and untreated.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255 (24/7)

I tried to keep it short and light, but there was only so much I could leave out because I truly wanted people to get a better understanding of what Lydia is going through.

Let me know if this chapter help you better understand Lydia? Or what you think of it in general.