It Starts Here / 𝗯𝘅𝗯 (✓)

8: Girlfriends and first kisses

CHAPTER EIGHT
Fifteen years old

Sara is not Ares' last girlfriend like Felix prays her to be, and Felix forces himself not to get too affected by this when Ares regularly starts dating.

When Ares tells him about the new girl who just moved here from Sweden and how he always sits beside her in math class, Felix does not change the subject. Instead, he asks him about her. When Ares smiles a little too big when introducing Felix to a girl in his writing club, Felix tells her that it's nice to meet her and asks how long she's been writing for.

Slowly, Felix is proud to say that he gets used to it.

It never seems to bother Sara when Ares tells them both about a new potential girlfriend and Felix thinks that if Ares' own ex-girlfriend can be cool with his newfound love with falling for every girl he crosses paths with, Felix can too. 

But she already got her chance, as horrible as it sounds. It doesn't seem like Felix will ever get his and that makes it harder to accept and he really does feel terrible about the whole thing, but he can't help it. He would change it if he could, but he can't and Felix just wants to tell someone. He wants to talk about the feelings in his chest that are threatening to break loose when Ares alludes that he has started seeing someone romantically. 

But he won't. If it's up to Felix, he will take this secret of his with him to the grave. He prays that his father will forget it sooner or later which doesn't seem to be the case. 

Felix's father always forgets that, yes, he has already told Felix to write him a grocery list, but he never forgets what twelve-year-old Felix told him in a state of vulnerability and if Felix has to be honest, it's becoming difficult. He can't even mention Ares in front of his dad without being sent that look. 

Felix will tell him, "Ares is coming over later, just so you know."

And his father will look at him over his glasses and ask, "Are you two—"

And Felix will roll his eyes, interrupting, "No, dad." 

His father will nod and take his word for it, but he still asks him every time and Felix just wishes he could go back in time and tell his twelve-year-old self to keep his stupid gay awakening to himself. 

Because Felix doesn't have to be reminded that he is in love with his best friend and has been so since the beginning of time and that, no, they're still not together despite it.

But Felix slowly gets more accustomed to Ares dating and his heart doesn't hurt as much as it used to. Over time, Felix even starts to feel anything but forced feelings for other boys in his class.

It's a weird combination of "he's really cute" and "but he's not Ares" when Felix meets new boys, but he learns to erase the part of him that compares every feeling he has to the one he has when Ares is around. At fifteen and five months years old, Felix is not as appalled to the idea of being with someone who is not his best friend like he used to and he feels some sort of hope. 

And then Felix meets Ethan and Ethan is nothing like Ares is, but everything Felix is. 

Ethan is quiet and awkward and always manages to look nervous when Felix talks to them. The first time Ethan and Felix speak, their face is red and turns even a brighter red the more Felix speaks. Felix tries his best not to let it scare him away and later, he will be happy that it didn't.

"Can I borrow a pencil?" Felix starts the conversation with.

"I—Yeah, sure, I guess—here." Ethan hands him one. "Is that—is this one okay?"