It Starts Here / 𝗯𝘅𝗯 (✓)

9.5: Resentment and religion

CHAPTER NINE AND A HALF
Sixteen (and a half) years old

At sixteen, Felix is trying his best not to resent Ares for kissing him.

Felix knows that to some extent, it's not Ares' fault that he does not like Felix romantically. He doesn't think it's right to blame him for not having—what Teddy calls—a gay awakening the moment he kissed Felix in his backyard even if that's what it felt like in the moment.

But Ares was the one to kiss Felix, not the other way around. He kissed him after Felix had finally found peace with it never happening and then he didn't even care enough about it to bring it up and talk to him and yes, that pissed Felix off. 

It's in his weakest moments where Felix wonders if the kiss in the backyard—one that felt life changing for Felix—was merely his straight friend exploring a world he never wanted to be a part of to begin with. It's only for a second, though. Felix will get a stomach ache and remind himself that this is not some guy in his PE class that makes a point of not looking Felix in the eyes when they're in the changing rooms. This is Ares. Ares who is kind and loyal and who rolls his eyes hard every time someone as much as brings Felix's sexuality up to make him uncomfortable. 

"So?" he'll always say, sounding a lot more bothered by this than Felix ever dares to be. "What does his sexuality have to do with anything?" And then when the classmate is out of line of hearing, "Dickhead."

So, no. The terrible idea of Ares simply kissing Felix just to do it is not one that Felix likes to entertain for long and he finds it easy to shoot it down. But after months of resentment, shutting Ares out to protect himself, Felix has come to accept that he does not know why Ares kissed him and that, because he is too scared to ask, he probably never will. 

Because Ares doesn't want to talk about it. Felix is proud to say that he knows how to take a hint.

Now, regarding his feelings, Felix is back to square one. Except, this time he does not have to imagine what it feels like at all—kissing Ares that is. Now he knows, and sometimes that's even worse than not knowing.

"I would, like, rather eat a whole shoe than suck someone's dick," Teddy says, side-eying the sex-positive poster hanging beside her locker. "And now I have to stare at a drawing of someone else sucking one? Wow."

"It's just a penis," Felix says, only glancing at it before staring into his own locker, looking for his headphones. He swears he put them in here yesterday—

"It gives me the creeps."

With his arms inside the locker, he looks between her and the poster. "Then why are you staring at it?"

"It's right there in my face. How am I not supposed to stare at it?" When she finally does look away, her top lip is slightly lifted. It's a face, Felix has learned, that Teddy always makes when she wants to make sure he knows how disgusted she is about something. "Who even made that bullshit?"

"I made that bullshit." Felix doesn't have to turn his head to know that Keyomii is grinning as she walks up beside the two of them. "And may I remind you, it is not bullshit. It's art."

"Art?" Teddy glances at the poster. Then she sends Keyomii an unimpressed look. "Why did you put a dick in my face?"

Keyomii doesn't look annoyed when she rolls her eyes. "It's for sex-positivity! We're trying to normalize talk about sex and show our support for advanced sex education. You like it, don't you, Felix?"

Before Felix can reply while lifting all of his books to see if the headphones got stuck under them, Teddy has already rolled her eyes twice and answered for him, "Of course Felix likes it, there's a dick on it—"