Embers From Within (Casa Fuego Series #6)

Chapter 26

Cross the Line

There's a voice inside my head telling me that I should be grateful that someone loves me and is that much concerned of me as Lolo does. And I do felt that way my entire life, but certainly not now. I don't feel grateful for what he did. He crossed the line this time.

Alam ko sa sarili ko kung gaano katindi ang dedikasyon ni Art sa kanyang career. Hindi lang para sa mga ambisyon niya para sa sarili ngunit dahil na rin bunsod iyon ng kanyang nakaraan. If it was his way of healing from the past, of making himself feel good and validated, if that's the only way he thinks he can honor his father, then Lolo didn't really had the right to do him dirty. He had no idea how Art worked hard for where he is and whatever he has now.

Sabihin na nating gusto niya lang subukin si Art kung matindi nga ang pagmamahal niya sa akin at uunahin niya ako sa oras na kailangang pumili, mali pa rin ang ginawa ni Lolo. He felt so entitled to do that to Art just because he can. Just because he's powerful enough to do so. I'm not very much appeased this time. If anything, he only made everything worse.

But what if... what Lolo did cleared out the mud in the water for us?

Art chose his career over me and I don't want to feel that I have the right to blame him for it. I know more than anyone how important his career was to him so I couldn't really take it against him. Tama naman na pinili niya iyon. Dahil nang pinili niya ang career niya, pinili niya ang sarili niya at ang ama niya. But that doesn't mean that I wasn't hurt, that I wasn't shattered into million pieces.

Kung sana... hindi na lang siya pumili. Alam kong ginipit siya ni Lolo at kung hindi siya pipili, babagsak ang kompanya niya. Pero hindi ba posible na hawak niya ang career niya habang yakap niya rin ako?

I would have understand if he had a busy schedule. I would have agreed if he needed space for himself and his career – I would've gladly waited for him until he's ready for me again. Heck, I would have even supported him in everything, helped in any ways I could. I could have slouched down for him, lay low for him, patiently wait for him – without the need to leave me and break my heart.

But he didn't. He made one solid, single choice. And it was his career.

And I don't take that against him. But heck, it hurt me so fucking bad I've gone numb right after he broke up with me.

Ayaw ko talagang nababakante ang utak ko. Kagaya ngayon. Alas tres na ng madaling araw at nasa balkonahe ako ng aking condo unit, umiinom ng wine. I couldn't sleep so I decided to watch the moon above the skycrapers.

Sa mga pagkakataong ito na nababakante ang isip ko, hindi ko maiwasang isipin na paano kaya kung... hinabol ko siya noong nakipaghiwalay siya sa akin? What if I had insisted more? What if I had pursued him after that night?

But then again, it was jusn't him breaking up with me. It was him demeaning all my efforts and sacrifices just to be the better version of myself – which, in fact, was something he had patiently helped and guided me with – that ultimately blew me away. He was practically part of me learning how to be more confident in my career and with myself, and ironically, he was also the one who shattered it. He said I was unassertive. Bland. Timid. Tedious. Boring.

Isa pa, kung hindi ko nga siya nilubayan pagkatapos niyang makipaghiwalay sa akin, wala sana ako ngayon sa kinaroroonan ko. The resentment, pain, and longing melded together to fuel my flames of passion. Nag-aalab ang determinasyon kong pagbutihin ang sarili at ang career ko. His words had an impact on me and I could actually tell that those words were my fuel.

Pagod na rin talaga siguro ako noong panahong iyon. Hindi ko na naipaglaban ang relasyon naming dalawa noon, gaya ng kasunduan namin na walang problema ang hindi namin malalagpasan, dahil wala na rin naman na akong maibibigay. I just didn't have any more in me to do that. There's only so much I can give. One cannot pour from an empty cup.