Embers From Within (Casa Fuego Series #6)

Chapter 35

I Can't 

"Of course not, Mama," namamaos kong sinabi pagkatapos ng ilang sandaling katahimikan. "I'm just... guilty."

Hindi siya agad nagsalita. Nanatili akong nakatingin sa baba, hindi magawang iangat ang tingin kay Mama. Ngunit makalipas ang ilang sandali at tahimik pa rin siya, saka pa lang ako nag-angat ng tingin sa kanya. She was looking at me intently, like she knows what I really feel as if if she knows it better than I do.

I cleared my throat and straightened my back. The look she was giving me somehow made me a bit uneasy so I looked away and subtly pointed downstairs.

"Anyway, I'll go downstairs and send them off. Excuse me, Mama," sabi ko at agad nang naglakad palayo.

Nang nakapasok na sa loob mula sa bulwagan, saka ko pa lang napagtanto na hindi ako humihinga nang maayos. I inhaled heavily as I tried to catch my breath, but no matter how much I try to, the beating of my heart just becomes even more erratic. Kaya naman nang nakababa ako, hindi rin ako gaanong nakipag-usap nang maayos.

I was stiff the whole time the Divinagracias were talking to me. Hindi ako makatingin kay Articus na titig na titig sa akin. Nang makaalis sila, agad akong tumalikod at naglakad na papasok sa manor nang nagsalita si Art.

"Are you alright? Did your talk with Tita Celeste go well?"

He paced up to catch me. And he did it so effortlessly because of his long muscly legs. Pilit niyang hinuli ang tingin ko pero diretso lang ang aking tingin sa unahan.

"Yes," tipid kong sagot.

"Is she mad? I'm gonna talk to her-"

"It went well. She leaves me to decide for myself this time."

Natigilan siya, tila tinatantiya ang naging tono ng boses ko. I cleared my throat and continued walking.

"Hmm. My talk to Senyor Fredericko went just fine, too. Formal, but... for now, that will do."

"Okay. Excuse me. I'm sleepy already," sabi ko at umakyat na sa hagdan.

Hindi niya ako sinundan. Kaya ko sinabing inaantok na ako dahil alam kong iyon lang ang makakapagpatigil sa kanya sa pagsunod sa akin. Pero ang totoo, gising na gising ang diwa ko. Sa bilis ng kabog ng dibdib ko, imposibleng antukin ako.

"Have a good sleep!" I heard him say from downstairs.

I shut my eyes tightly when I got inside my room. I was panting. Pilit kong hinabol ang aking paghinga at napaupo na lamang sa dulo ng kama.

My afternoon was going pretty well. Great, even, that Mama wasn't mad at me for lying and for keeping this from her. I felt just fine until what she said on the latter part.

"You can't stomach imagining him marrying another woman, no matter if you're aware that it's all for business," her words echoed in my mind, as if they try to repeat as many times until I acknowledge them.

Aaminin kong dumaan nga iyon sa aking isipan noon. Na kung talagang wala nang ibang paraan para mabayaran ang utang sa bangko at ang fines sa Vixon, kailangan niyang makuha ang mana galing sa mga Guazano. Pero magagawa niya lang iyon kapag nagpakasal siya.

I've denied it for so long, convincing myself that this is all just about guilt and freeing myself from that burden. But when Mama said the words I couldn't admit to myself out loud, it felt as if it was only then I realized that deep within me, thinking about him marrying other woman indeed bothered me. It made me feel uneasy. It made me feel sick, like I was punched in the stomach. I felt all that – even if I'm aware that it's all for business. Even if it shouldn't bother me. Even if I shouldn't care.