Nowhere to Go But Up✓

The Start of Something New

It had been a month since that first dinner with Steve and we had gotten really close. On his days off he would show up at the house with coffee and sit while I was on the phone with my clients. If it was a day that I would keep Lucy home, he would find some ways to entertain her until I got done at lunch time.

We were in April now and I was winding down on my busy booking season. From January to the middle of April I was at my busiest as everyone was looking to get ahead on booking summer travel. with the exception of an odd weekend getaway (which I didn't book often) and some last minute vacations, things were pretty slow for me until August when fall and winter planning would pick up. Once things start to slow down, I would begin taking half days. But until then, it was nice to have Steve around when he could be.

After having lunch together as the three of us for weeks, Steve had invited me out to dinner, just the two of us. I was nervous to say the least. He made no indication that this would be anything other than two friends getting dinner, but maybe I was reading more into this than what it really was. I knew my feelings for Steve were shifting. I wasn't fooling myself, but that didn't stop me from feeling guilty. I was starting to retreat into myself, my depression rearing its ugly head again. My parents and Steve could see it. But I didn't realize how bad it had gotten until I overheard Lucy telling Steve about it one morning.

"Mama sad. I help Mama sleep." I had been on a call but was currently in the kitchen to get a refill on my coffee. It was true that most nights I lied awake and when those thought became too much I would crawl into bed with Lucy and hold her. It would pull me out, tether me to the reality that she was here and real and needed me.

Steve saw me in the kitchen and gave me a sad smile. I decided in that moment that I would call my therapist and start my sessions again. I had gone back briefly after the accident but once I was cleared to start work again and my bookings started piling up, I let those go. And that's where I found myself on this rainy Tuesday morning.

"How have you been Astoria? It's been a bit since we've talked."

"I want to say, I've been ok but you would know that that was a lie. Things were going well but recently I've been in this funk."

"Well what's changed in your life recently?"

"As you know I was in that accident. Obviously I'm healing fine and there's no threat, physically. Lucy is fine but I'm struggling with the fact that I almost left her. I'm all she has left. But I met someone as well. One of the EMTs. He took care of Lucy when I was rushed into surgery. Lucy got attached and he came around when he could while I was in recovery. I invited him over for dinner after I got out, to thank him for all he did for Lucy. We hit it off. Honestly, I see him now more than I see my own parents, and I see my parents pretty frequently. He comes over when he has days off, whether Lucy is home or not. She absolutely adores him and I know the feeling is mutual. But he's not just there for her. When she's down for a nap or at preschool, he's still there, keeping me company. He's quickly become my best friend."

"I'm not seeing a downside," she said with a smile.

"I'm scared. We're coming up on the second anniversary of Nick's death. I know my feelings for Steve are changing and what does that mean for Nick's memory if I move on? What does that show my daughter who already doesn't have memories of her dad?"

"I know I've told you this in the past but I think you need to hear it again. Moving forward with your life doesn't diminish how important Nick was to you, or Lucy. Do you really think Nick would want you to do this to yourself?"

"No I know he wouldn't. I know if he was here he would be telling me it was ok that I'm having these feelings. And I know that I shouldn't feel guilty but I do."