Nowhere to Go But Up✓

They Don't Know How Much I Miss You

This was hard. I thought losing Nick was hard and god was it. But this, this empty feeling, wasn't something I experienced with Nick. With Nick there was rage and sadness of all those possibilities that we were now going to miss. With Steve, it was brokenness. It was the fact that I glued myself back together to be with him and he tore it back to shreds.

I start to spiral. I throw myself into work and Lucy and my animals at my parents and I avoid thinking about Steve. I box up all his things that he left at my house, shove it in a closet, and I avoid thinking about Steve. I wake up each morning, get Lucy to preschool, get to work, and try to distract myself from thinking about Steve. April had bled into May and I'm lost in the routine that I set up for myself.

I'm better. I go over to my parents, I have lunch with Sam. I try not to stare when I see Steve walking around downtown with Sharon. And as I come out of my post-breakup isolation I realize that I haven't had my period since before Valentine's Day... Shit! I had been under so much stress and lost in that haze that I hadn't even noticed when it hadn't come for months.

So thats where I find myself on a Saturday morning, at drug store, looking for a pregnancy test. Lucy had spent the night at my parents' house to give me a little bit of a reprieve. My mom had looked worried when I asked last minute if she could stay but she couldn't say no to her only grandchild. I was lost in my own world, stressing about what I would do if this came back positive, that I didn't even notice that someone had come down the same aisle as me. "Story?" It was Sam. And there I was standing with a test in my hand.

"Uh? Hi, Sam."

"Are you... Does Steve..." He couldn't even string together a coherent thought. Welcome to the club.

"I don't know Sam. That's why I'm here, buying a test. And I would really appreciate it if this could just stay between us for now, as I'm not sure. You have to promise me that you won't tell him Sam," he looked like he wanted to argue with me. "Promise me Sam." I was begging by this point.

"Why don't you want him to know?"

"I didn't say that. But I'm not even sure if I am. I'm finally back in a good place and if I talk to him prematurely about this and it turns out to be nothing, all that hard work I did will be for nothing. I'll be right back where I was a month ago."

"Ok. I'll keep this between us."

"Thank you Sam."

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I was sitting in my bathroom at home, test on the sink waiting for the longest three minutes of my life to pass. It hadn't been this stressful the last time I was in this situation. But back then, Nick and I had been waiting for this, hoping for this, ready for this. And this time couldn't be more different. My inner anxiety fueled monologue was interrupted by the timer on my phone going off. With shaky hands I reached for the test, flipping it over, revealing the small screen that very clearly said "PREGNANT".

❤️🤍💙

It was two weeks later, after I had met with an OBGYN and had gotten it confirmed, that I invited Sam out to lunch. Besides my parents, who were excited if not a little apprehensive about a new grandbaby, Sam was the only other one I could tell me news to, determined to leave Steve out of this for now. I had a copy of the ultrasound picture in my purse that featured the little peanut who was still so tiny, excited to show Sam.

I saw him walk in and I waved him over. He motioned over to me, letting the hostess know he found his party, and walked over. I got up, gave him a hug in greeting, before sitting back down, suddenly very nervous. "So how's it been sweet thing?" he asked, smiling. This was one of my favorite things about Sam. He had the ability to always make me smile.