~Hidden emotions~ Dee x fem reader

Chapter 4

~chapter 4: relapses and panic~

~Y/N's pov: 16 years old~

It's been about a month since the accident. My mother was taken to the hospital and her vitals were stable. I was hopeful. Maybe she would be fine after all and she could sing me to sleep again like she used to.

However, an hour ago we got a call saying that her heart stopped beating and there's nothing we can do about it. She's dead. Fuck that hurts it think about.

I'm sat with my back against my wall. My arms are resting on my knees and are gripping my hair. I'm crying. Not crying, hyperventilating.

I hate emotions so much. Sometimes they spill out and I have panic attacks. That's the worst case scenario. But then again this is a worst case scenario.

Blood is trickling out from the wounds my father inflicted on my wrists. I hit the wrong note when playing my violin for him, so he used that as an excuse to hurt me. Usually it bothers me but not today. The pain distracts me from all of my emotions that are running through my brain constantly since the accident. Usually my brother is usually here to comfort me, but he's visiting mum.

I know that abuse isn't okay and my dad is being an asshole, but, if I'm being honest with myself, I am terrified of him. I know it's stupid, but he provides me and my brother food and shelter, so I must abide by his rules or I might get kicked out. Or beat even worse than usual. Shit. I'm so fucked right now.

~1 month later~

I just got home from my mothers funeral. I didn't cry. I'm not weak. I was complaining about feeling too many emotions about a month ago, but now my feelings are compressed again, into nothing. Is it necessarily bad? No. It makes me stronger, but it feels strange. The only thing I feel is the pain from the abuse, the mourning of my mum and the hatred and fear I feel towards my dad.

He has been hitting me a lot more recently. He's smart about it though. He very rarely injures me anywhere other than my wrists, keeping most of my injuries in one place so that I can keep them covered. He still hits me elsewhere too. But they're only bruises, so I can play them off as though I fell over. The fact that I skateboard can also support that theory. I should be fine if someone where to ask about them. My wrists though, are a different story. I've just got to keep them hidden.

Overall it hurts a lot more now that my mum isn't there to make me feel better. To kiss each of my bruises and cuts individually. I still have my brother though.

Thank god dad leaves him alone and only hursts me. Brother doesn't know of the amount of pain dad puts me through. I tell him everything, but if I told him this, he'd freak out and get me into even more trouble with dad.

Heh 'dad'. That's a complex word if you think about it. It never means the same thing in different perspectives.

Dad blames me for what happened. I'm trying to blame him, because I know this wouldn't have happened if he had not hit her. Somehow I still blame myself though.

If I had just followed her instead of arguing with my dad I could have...died. Or maybe saved her. But I could have died too. That wouldn't be so bad. But then B/N would be lonely...Oh for Christ's sake your welcome B/N.

Dad said we're moving. I don't know where yet. I just hate knowing that me and my brother are going to be the centre of attention for a while. I got suspended from school for beating a guy up.

It's not my fault though. He was teasing me and B/N about not having my mum anymore. Little bitch deserved every ounce of pain I gave him. He did give me a black eye though.

Uh oh, I really don't want to have to go back to school again when we move. The stares I'm gonna get because of my black eye too. For fucks sake. Whatever I've got my brother and he's got me. We don't need anyone else. I just hope everyone will leave us alone.

I guess we'll have to see.

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Dee is officially in the next chapter guys. He will get more screen time in the future I swear.
If you have any tips I'm all ears btw. This is my first story so it's not going to be perfect.
I love you all and goodnight <3