Silos of Man

Chapter 14 - Baby Steps

Even in her exhausted state and in my distracted torment, I am enthralled by her energy, her beauty, but she's hurting right now and I don't know how to make this better for her.  There is nothing I can do to change what NASA is trying to do to her project and so I feel useless.  In fact, I feel more than useless, because I've now added to her burden, when all I ever desperately want to do is take it off her. I know that if she learned I had heard of a chance, regardless how small, of a chromosomal supply issue and didn't tell her, that could potentially end us.  That would end me.  I had no choice.  It's information I owed her.

She sits silently.  Her blue eyes, stunned by my news, are watering-up.  She seldom cries but I've breached her threshold with this potential reproductive crisis and she can't hold back the tears.  She turns her head to the side in a subtle attempt to hide the first drop that makes it over the edge.  She hasn't spoken in several minutes, and I find myself frozen, with a queasy stomach.  Finally, she releases me with, "So this friend of yours whose name you can't tell me, and in whose lab you ran the group-observed re-do of your experiment, is confident that the chromosomal supply is not at any risk and that the NWG won't be announcing the supply degradation.  But Joan told you that there is an issue with our supply and that they will be announcing it?  And you believe this new friend over Joan!?  I'm really struggling to understand your thinking on this, Dany."  "I understand."  Really, that's all I can say.

"So?!"  She's now looking at me wide-eyed, with both frustration and desperation, "Do you think we should risk our shot at a baby, or run out and get pregnant before a potential clamp-down on the chromosome supply is announced?!"  Risk it!  Risk it!  Risk it!  So what if we can't get pregnant – we'll have each other, and we'll be free to move in any direction we want without having to consider how it will impact the life and future of another human being, but, "Babe, this is completely your call and I'll support any decision you make", was what I actually communicated.  "Dany, I can't do this on my own.  This is a family decision and I don't know about you, but I'm looking to the future with us as a family."

Is that insecurity I see flash there in her eyes for a second?  Can she possibly be this oblivious as to my feelings for her?!  You're not just my family, Lady, you're my life!  "I want nothing more than to be your family.  I am already yours and have felt this way from the moment I met you."  I have to do this... "Ryann, I am almost positive that there is no chromosomal crisis, but I am even more positive that you would feel incomplete in our future if we did not welcome a child into our family.  Weighing these two facts, even the slightest risk of your unhappiness is too big a risk for me.  We're young, and we've both got a lot going on in our careers right now, but if you feel that you can take on a pregnancy and then a baby, I'll be there by your side every step of the way and will give the parenting gig everything I've got."

She crumples into my arms, silently sobbing.  I just hold her and we sit still and quiet for what feels like hours.  "I'll call the clinic in the morning", she finally whispers.  My stomach turns, but this time instead of nerves and disquiet, I think it's excitement.  Well this is unexpected - now that this is really happening I think I may be ready.  "Okay, we'll call the clinic in the morning", I correct her.  She slides her arms around me and kisses me tenderly.  I can taste the salt from the tears that touched her lips and it makes me want to envelope her, to protect her.  She takes my hand and leads me to our bedroom, where she lays down on the bed and, with her eyes, asks me for the comfort of intimacy.  I lay down beside her and kiss her gently.  She pulls me close and I can feel her quiver.  Ah, the healing power of passion – and I intend to heal her from the inside out.

The next morning, I awake to an empty bed and the muffled sound of an angel's voice in the next room.  I walk into our den to find Ryann half-way through her second cup of coffee giving details of her last menstrual cycle to the medical staff on the phone.  Holy shit, this is it – this is really happening.  She beams a puffy-eyed smile at me and takes my breath away again.  Tattered and stressed, how can she look like this?  How can she have this energy of defiance and determination in the face of such potential adversity.  She never lets anything stand in her way.  Good fucking luck NASA!  I chuckle to myself as I lean in to kiss her on the forehead.  She mutes the call and looks up at me.  "Because I'm 24 they want me to go through three cycles before insemination, so I'm trying to see if I can negotiate that down."  She gives me a wink and then is back at it, "I fully understand and appreciate why this limit is in place, I'm just wondering if there is any...".  Her voice trails off as I make my way back down the hallway to our coffee pot.

I check my device and see a message from what I can only assume is Tom, 'Hey it's me, I've confirmed definitively that I've got that book you were looking for on Sunday.  Getting it to you TBD.'  Uhhh – this is going to get complicated.  I feel sweat line my forehead as this message sinks in.  Confirmed definitively!?  My experiment results are accurate!?  The Y-stops unravelling!?  We're now on the highway to the cure!?  What now?!!!  TBD.  Right, okay I can wait.  Just keep moving forward, Dany.  You can do this, like all is status quo, and wait for the TBD.

I'm lost in these thoughts when I hear her at the entrance of the kitchen, "What's going on?  I can see you sweating, Dan, I can tell that you're freaking out.  You're not ready for this are you?  What are we doing, this is crazy!  You're not ready for a baby, so we're not ready for a baby.  I'll cancel my prenatal guidance appointment and we'll keep our fingers crossed that your new secret buddy isn't wrong."  Her blue eyes are flashing with anxiety and her hands are shaking.  My rapid assessment concludes that the anxiety is about my readiness, and the shaking hands are about hers.

I take her shaking hands into mine and simply ask, "Ryann, my love, are you ready for a baby within the year?"  "Yes", she quivers without any hesitation.  "Then we start along that path, because I'm ready to take all of our life steps together, and I think I'm actually excited about becoming a parent."  She lets out a relieved guffa and hugs me tightly.  I haven't seen her this vulnerable since Tom's heart surgery three years ago.  I decide it's time to produce the rings I bought just after we booked our trip.  I've known that I was going to propose a Domestic Union to this woman within a few months of meeting her.  She needs security and predictability right now, and I can give her a taste of it.  Besides, depending on Tom's 'TBD' and the risk involved, our trip may be a pipe-dream at this point anyway.

I gently squeeze her hand and whisper, "Come with me."  I lead her slowly to our bedroom where I sit her on the edge of the bed and say, "Close your eyes."  She complies, I kiss her and she smiles at me from behind her closed eyelids.  I reach into the third drawer of my dresser, to the back left where I find the small red box.  I've had to stop myself from dreaming of this moment for months, and now it's here.  I've thought about what I was going to say a thousand times but never actually landed on anything.  This wasn't something I ever considered winging, but here we are.  Life is unpredictable and spontaneous, so let's roll with this, Dany.

I pull our vanity chair over to in front of where she sits on the bed, and then prop the box open in my hand to expose the two matching rings.  Here it goes, "Okay, open your eyes."  There's a momentary flash of blue just before her eyes fix on the rings and her pupils dilate so rapidly and intensely that the blue ring around them almost vanishes.  She sits motionless, staring at the contents of our little red box, giving me the opportunity to continue, "I have never felt this way about anyone else in my life, and I know that I will never be able to experience anything this deep and real and perfect outside of my relationship with you.  I want to spend not just my life with you, but every single moment within it, as well.  You are the only person in the world who I've never needed my own space and time apart from. Every fiber of my being knows that I need to be with you forever.  I'm ready to start our forever whenever you are, Ryann Alice Atwood, so what do you say, you ready to take our domestic attachment to the next level?  Will you accept my proposal of our Domestic Union?"

She grabs my face and kisses me so passionately that I actually drop the box and our rings bounce around in different directions along our hardwood floor, making beautiful chiming noises each time they strike the wood.  We each chase one as she giggles through happy tears.  I don't know which sound is more magical.  We both catch hold of our respective rings and regroup in the centre of our bedroom, laughing together at the slapstick nature of our engagement.  We stand together in the centre of our room, which at that moment feels like the centre of the universe.  Our fingers, and therefore the rings, are the same size and so we each slip our retrieved ring onto the other's finger.  We kiss as we folded into each other and descend onto our bed.  Honeymoon practice number one – I love this.