Silos of Man

Chapter 27 - Mother and Child Reunion

I have a few pictures of Ryann and some other art that I value deeply, at the lab, and since Joan's still away this would be a good time to try to subtly extricate them.  I take in all the sights, sounds and smells of my walk from campus to the lab.  I love this walk.  I'll miss it when I'm off to wherever, whenever.  Fuck, this is stupid.  I feel like I've lost control of my life.  Am I seriously running away?  Running away from my own government who has done nothing but provide for me and my sisters since a catastrophic plague was delivered unto the earth!?  What the hell am I thinking?  So there's a contingent who opposes our point of view on reintegrating males into civilization, so what?  Differing points of view are healthy.  They help to engage discussion, reflection and re-evaluation.  Why is this different?  Tom claims corruption within the Councils.  Corruption that is manipulating situations and information in order to advance a specific agenda, not directed by the majority of the population.  Their claimed goal is to protect our utopia, but corruption will be the quickest avenue to undoing it.

My head is spinning with these philosophical struggles when I find myself at the lab already.  Wow, that was quick.  I open the big outside doors and enter into the lobby.  I have a deja vous as Blake comes rushing over, but this time she's not glowing.  In fact, she's grey.  I feel my heart skip a beat and settle myself back down.  From the look on Blake's face though, I don't think I'll remain settled for long.  After what feels like and interminable distance, she finally makes her way over to where I am and just throws her arms around me without a word.  "Uh, what's up Blake, you okay kiddo?"  She bursts into tears, and through quietly sobbing breaths says, "Dan, she's gone."  What?  I stiffen and verbalize, "Sorry?  Who's gone?  Where?"

Blake takes my shoulders in her hands and looks at me in the eyes, which are now only about eight inches from hers, "Dr. Dwyer.  She's gone.  There's been an accident."  Poor kid is confused.  "No Blake, don't worry, it wasn't an accident, Dr. Dwyer was ready to go.  She initiated EOL protocol twelve months ago.  This was expected and Joan is off managing it right now.  I gave her a 'don't worry about it' tap on the shoulder.  She burst into new tears. Jeeze, I didn't know that Blake was a fan of Dylan Dwyer, an I'm sure she has no idea how integral Dr. Dwyer has been to the anti-cure movement, which has secretly been holding back our work. I'm wrestling again with this truth for a split second when my soon-to-be sister-in-law clarifies, "Dan, it's Joan. Joan's been in an accident...on, on the way back from her mother's EOL protocol, she...." She chokes on her tears.

I feel my whole being start to quake, as my legslose their ability to stand. This timeBlake grabs my shoulders to keep me upright. As I'm struggling to regain control, my device vibrates and snaps me outof my shock. I answer it. "You're at the lab?" It's Tom. "Ye-yes", I stammer. "We have acomplication that requires immediate attention. Ryann tracked your device to tell me where you are. I'll be right there. Get in my car as soon as I pull up." "Okay, but I'm here with Blake right now."  There was stunned silence on the other end.  "She just told me."  "I see.", was Tom's answer.  "Tell Blake to go back up to the lab because you have to go to Ryann right now.  I'll get Hannah to pick her up as soon aspossible. Get her away from you, Dany".  And how am I supposed to do that?  She needs me as much as I need her right now, if we have, in fact, just lost our fearless leader.  I remain accidentally silent.  "Dany!"  I hear Tom's now sharp voice.  "Sorry.  Yes.  Okay."  "I'm Five minutes out.  Be waiting for my car."

Shit.  That's not much time.  The call is done.  Blake asks who it was.  My world is spinning violently right now and 'mimpressed with my own strength as tell her it was Ryann, who I really need tosee right now. Blake nods hercomforting, understanding smile. "Whathappened, Blake?", I ask, fighting back tears of fear and loss.  "I don't know, Dan.  They're saying that she took over manual control of her vehicle, fell asleep at the wheel, ran into an overpass, and burst into flames.  She wasn't able to get out in time."  "How did you hear this?!  It has to be wrong!?"  "Neo called Sandi's mom, who was one of Joan's closest friends." 

Okay, now I'm full-on trembling.  This reality is as terrifying as it is tragic.  I feel sick, and dazed and confused.  I need air.  I walk toward the exit again, with Blake close behind me, and stop dead just before stepping outside.  I get scared.  What if there's danger for me out there.  I breath the foyer air deeply and turn to Blake.  "I need to get something from my office."  I'm fixated on my picture now.  I know it's my OCD trying to control my brain so I don't spin out of control.  And I have to get Blake back into the lab.  "Okay. Sure Dan." 

We make our way to the lab, with Blake softly sobbing beside me. We enter the lab to tears and morosity. Blake hugs everyone and I get some consoling back pats as I quickly make my way to my office, avoiding eye contact with everyone. I'm feeling nauseous as I take the pictures from my desk and then reach for my box in the filing cupboard, where I stuffed my favourite pic of Ryann that I was going to have made into a painting. It's from one of those damn ancient polaroids – so there is no digital copy.  

My heart stops for a second when I look in the box and see three things, only two of which I put in there. A manilla envelope which looks exactly like the other two slipped under my door, was in the box alongside the polaroid of Ryann and my late-night office hoodie. What the hell? I accidentally look around, to see a bunch of faces looking at each other and at me, trying to find some semblance of leadership in this chaos of shocked grief. Shit. Okay. Pull it together, Dany, you have to step in here, as the most senior researcher. For Joan. I quickly pack the manilla envelope in my satchel, along with my pictures, the polaroid and the hoodie.

I step out of my office into the open common labspace where everyone is gathering. "Lookeveryone, I've only just learned of Joan's tragic accident a few minutes ago." Talking to my group is pushing the shock awayand now I'm fighting back tears. "Wejust lost our leader, and I know you're all in as much shock as I am. You know that Joan would expect us to ensureself-care during this kind of traumatic event, and as such, I think you shouldall go home to be with your families. We'llunpack this terrible accident together once more information about it isreleased in a few days. In the meantime,as the shock ramps-up to grief, you will need emotional support, so go be withyour main people. And please remainaccessible to each other, because we're in this sad reality together, andthat's how we'll get through it." That'll get them away from this lab and from me for a day or two.  That might be safer for everyone right now.

Heads nodded across the room and my colleagues start packing-up their things for the day.  I hug my little-sister-in-law-to-be and ask her to wait until after I leave to go home, in case any of our colleagues need some guidance or support.  She feels good being left to handle something of this emotional magnitude, so that should keep her busy until Hannah gets here to collect her.  She's hugging Sandi as I make my exit.

I open the door to the outside just as I see Tom's car pull up.  I walk the twenty-five feet to her car door and get in quickly.  I've got my safety belt on and the car is speeding away before I realize that Tom isn't the driver.  Oh fuck.