The Asshole App

3. SCHADENFREUDE

"Can't I do anything without screwing it up?"

Evelyn Simmons sat in the Midtown Diner's cramped bathroom, silently crying. Remembering her boss's cruel rant, tears streamed down her heart-shaped face. Overheated, she pushed her red woolen cap off her head. Loosened strands of wavy, chocolate hair cascaded over her shoulders. She sat on the toilet seat, immobilized with pain, trying to catch her breath. She felt as if her heart was being crushed. Using a rumpled tissue, she dabbed watery mascara from her cheeks. Fifteen minutes later, she was forced to move when someone impatiently tapped on the door. "Can I get in there?"

"Just a minute." Splashing cold water on her puffy face, she combed out her hair and then exited the claustrophobic restroom. On wobbly knees, she made her way up the aisle, leaving a faint scent of Crabtree & Evelyn lavender soap. Hopefully, Dee had gotten her texted plea to meet here for lunch.

Up front, she heard the front door chime. "Evie!" Relief flooded through her as Deedee Diamond, her best friend, gave her a wiggly finger wave from the entranceway. The forceful November winds didn't budge Deedee's cerise, cotton-candy-textured hair as she fought to close the eatery's glass door. Patrons stared as she strolled down the narrow aisle, majestically rolling her hips. Servers leaned back on their heels, as a six foot two river of red-hot lava steamed past. Flinging her faux leather, grommet-studded purse on the pleather seat opposite Evie, Lady Dee shrugged off her white, goose down coat and sat down in the corner booth.

Protectively, she wrapped an oversized, ringed paw around Evie's delicate hand, soulfully looking into her eyes. "Baby, I got your text. Now, tell Mama Dee what happened."

"My boss, Raymond Sinclair, that's what happened." Evie gulped air, swallowing bile. "He's a jackass. He humiliated me in front of the entire staff this morning." Struggling to breathe, she held her solar plexus. "I feel as if I've been punched in the stomach."

"That asshole." Deedee's voice was muffled behind the menu as she checked the specials. She lowered the shiny, laminated cardboard. "I told you the man's a soulless billionaire. I don't care how many smart phones or self-driving cars he's sold. Or how hot he looks on the cover of Time. He's an insufferable ass." Suggestively, she laid an exquisitely manicured index finger against her cheek. The jungle-colored nail was painted with tiny, fornicating leopards. "How are you going to get back at him?"

"I brought him the wrong coffee." Evie's menu lay untouched beside her. "I don't have any revenge plans."

"I do," Deedee purred. "'Cause I know his type." She gave the waitress her order and then flashed Evie a mischievous feline grin. "Let me tell you how I'm familiar with privileged attitude. Before I was Lady Dee, I worked for a nasty piece of shit named Mother of Pearl. A no-talent hack who designed for the House of Gucci. Spewing pure rage was how he introduced himself. Couldn't use a business card like any sane person. Same MO as your cocksucker boss." Her tuna fish sandwich arrived and she took a ravenous bite. "In my opinion, this nut job needs a good butt-fucking, like M.O.P." She waved a well-salted french fry, chewing noisily. "I say, let's teach this asshole a lesson in schadenfreude for running a company that thrives on humiliating people."

"What's schadenfreude?" Evie grasped at the exotic sounding word, not wanting to hear the butt-fucking details.

"That's German for the joy of destruction. Who doesn't enjoy seeing someone who's screwing you get the trouble they deserve?" Deedee delicately wiped mayonnaise from the corner of her mouth with a napkin.

Relishing the Sinclair bashing, Evie found her appetite had returned. She flagged down the young waitress, "I'll have the mushroom soup and a garden salad, please," then turned back to her companion. "Dee, I have to admit there's something else I'm upset about." Evie snagged a fry off her friend's plate. "I came up with an idea to expand CENTIEN's market base by targeting seniors. The company largely ignores that age group right now. I stayed up all night working on a new presentation. Honestly, that's why I must've spaced on the beverage orders."

Deedee nodded. "Ageism. I'm not surprised the company's guilty of that too. Evie, I thought you were working on marketing new generation smart phones to millennials?"

"I am, but I realized there's an untapped niche for seniors and technology. A huge one. I'm so disappointed about messing up today." She sighed, cupping her chin in her hand. "I missed my chance to pitch the idea to the development team."

Deedee shook her head disapprovingly. "What Sinclair did to you was demeaning as hell. In my opinion, he should be the CEO of stupid." She delicately burped. "Anyway, I'm curious how your company's intern program works. Are you getting compensated for these brilliant ideas you're giving CENTIEN?"

"No, but I'm competing for the millenial division's Assistant Marketing position, along with twelve other interns." Evie smiled proudly.

"What if you don't get picked? Are you reimbursed in any other way?" Deedee raised her well-defined eyebrows, questioningly. "Like with stock options?"

"No." Evie looked down at her empty soup bowl.

"Bitcoin?" Evie shook her head. "Travel reimbursement? Free food?" Disbelieving, Deedee cocked her head sideways. "Anything?" A look of horror crossed her face. "Don't tell me they're giving you shitcoins!"

"We get free wi-fi and beverages."

"Free wi-fi? You can get that at the gas station with a burrito." She daintily sliced her piece of lemon meringue pie with a fork. "Ok, this is what I want you to do. March your ass right back into that tyrant's office and tell him you demand to be compensated for your work."

"Dee! I like my work. It's him I detest."

"It's not work if you're not paid. It's slavery. Do me a favor, Evie. Come down to the shelter and apply for the kitchen position I told you about. You're a highly sensitive person. HSP's should be working in a creative, nurturing environment, not a corporate hell hole where the CEO emotionally bullies you." When Evie started to politely decline, Deedee added. "Alright, keep your job for now, but come see if you like working with us down at the homeless center. We're good people."

Evie smiled for the first time that day, deciding to take the drag queen's advice.