The Asshole App

4. JUNGLE RUMBLE

"Admit it, Ray. Ever since Tokyo, you've been gun shy about fielding new endeavors for this company unless they're your own." Sinclair winced as Lear brandished Evelyn Simmon's senior demographic analysis in his face. "Here, read her synopsis. It's simple, but absolutely elegant. Basically, if we repurpose our third generation smart phones with a user-friendly healthcare app, we stand to make billions."

"I don't want you to bring Tokyo up again," Sinclair sulked. "It's in the past. Why won't you leave it there?" Feeling abandoned, he browsed the intern pool looking for Evie's replacement. "And stop wasting my time!" Without looking up, he waved away the report. "We've already evaluated the senior market. The boomer generation's desire to learn new tech's abysmal." He ticked off his objections on his fingers. "Their vision's poor and their hand-eye coordination sucks. On top of that, they're often hearing impaired. The majority of them have never been on a computer. We'd have better luck marketing our tech to real dinosaurs."

Lear sighed, glancing at the room's bare walls. All the neo classical artwork had been removed after the disastrous Tokyo affair. Now Sinclair's office was as devoid of personal warmth as its occupant. A compact room decorated in a monochrome palette, save a few shades of gray. Employees referred to it behind his back as a panic room.

Understanding his friend's mind operated in a binary manner, Lear tacked in the same direction. "You remember what your hero, Steve Jobs, said about older people? They sit down and ask, 'What is it?' but the boy asks, 'What can I do with it?' "I agree with you, Ray. Millennials are our bread and butter. The GenZer's are our future. These lit markets are the ones we need to rumble in." He knew he had to incorporate catchy video game references to snare Sinclair's nonexistent attention. The man had a way of being in the room while closing the doors of his mind. "But do you know the difference between the younger generation and ours?" Sinclair covertly watched Lear circle his desk, hooding his eyes like a cobra. "It's loyalty. By the time CENTIEN develops the next hot item, the "future generation" wants something new."

Unimpressed, Sinclair pulled irritably at the neck of his black turtleneck sweater. He resumed ogling a voluptuous intern named Greta. The fresh-faced young woman was wearing her hair in two French braids. Transfixed, he gazed at the screen. "She could be a real-life Swiss Miss." He pointed to the applicant. "This is the one," he said, excitedly. "SHE has the potential to be the new Girl Friday."

Lear's elation was replaced by seething frustration. "Joke all you want, Ray, but if we increase our smart phone sales to the senior market, we stand to make a killing."

Captivated by the words billions and killing, Ray put down his phone. "You're shilling that damn presentation as if it unlocks the secrets of the Holy Grail." Grudgingly, he exited the intern database and began perusing Evie's work. When he reached the projected earnings trajectory, he remained as motionless as a lion listening to distant hunting drums. Incredulous, he demanded, "The coffee girl wrote this? She never presented any of this data during yesterday's meeting."

Lear nodded. "She didn't have a chance to present anything before you tore her throat out."

Head down, Sinclair read faster, dipping into the technicals. When he'd processed all the information, he raised an eyebrow. "Let me get this straight. The Oompa Loompa who couldn't get my latte right wrote this?" He snorted in disbelief. "If these numbers are correct, this is a game changer."

"They're correct. I ran them myself. And stop calling her that demeaning appellation! Her name's Evelyn Simmons," Lear scolded.

"This is genius," Sinclair said, touching the paper, reverently.

"I know. Look at the resource model. She wants to use our previous generation phones and tailor them with an enhanced Medicare app, specifically for seniors."

"I wasn't referring to her enhanced app idea. I meant the part where the Department of Health shears hapless seniors in a labyrinth of overpriced health care options. Look at the subliminal message. Sign up or die!" He laughed, mirthlessly. "This Machiavellian program's so confusing, it even scares me. I couldn't navigate their Medicare flowchart if my life depended on it."

Lear muttered "fucker" under his breath, but kept a flattering courtier's smile plastered on his face. "So you see CENTIEN's marketing angle?" Not waiting for a response, he soldiered on. "Our Medicare app will replace the mercenary customer service reps, currently preying on seniors."

"If we win the Department of Health contract, the revenue combined with the savings of jettisoning outdated phones will be enough to pay off those shitheads, Casper and Jamison." Sinclair's voice rose with elation as he spoke.

And still have enough left over to beat Google's earnings," Lear gloated.

Sinclair's face clouded with a rare twinge of conscience. "The DOH will fire all their customer service reps once our app makes their jobs obsolete. That will be thousands of people losing their jobs before Christmas."

"Yeah, they'll replace those overpaid reps in a heartbeat. It'll be a public relations nightmare, but they'll want the cost savings." Lear assumed the feral smile Sinclair had dropped. "Ray, this will save the company's quarterly earnings."

"Where's the Oompa...I mean, Miss Simmons. Why didn't she come here with you?"

Lear perceived Sinclair's conscious lack of a pejorative against his protégée as an encouraging sign. "She turned in her resignation yesterday."

CENTIEN's CEO smirked, waving the report. "Good thing we have this synopsis, then."

"Ray, we need her."

"No, we don't need her. CENTIEN owns all the intellectual property rights to her work. This is ours now." Sinclair had a nasty habit of poaching good ideas and then presenting them as his own.

"I disagree. Her passion for this project makes her perfect."

"She doesn't have enough experience to run a major ad campaign!"

"I agree with you. She doesn't. That's why I want her to be the face of the marketing campaign. Seniors will trust her."