Blame Gravity

Chapter 34

"I love you," I whisper. "I love you so much my heart burns whenever I look at you. It's painful and lovely and miserable and beautiful at the same time. I love you."

He grins mockingly. "That's pathetic."

I can't breathe. I just told him everything, everything I've been guarding and denying and now he just... rejects me...

"You know, you'd think someone like you would know better," he continues, and my heart sinks a level with every word. "That you'd know that there are girls much prettier and kinder and smarter and that one of them is whom I love, not you. I hate you and am disgusted by you." He kisses me gently. "You stupid, foolish girl."

I wake up, breathing heavily. What did I just dream...? I don't love him, anyway. But... He does love someone other than me. That is true.

I free myself from his arms and lie down about two feet away from him. How could I ever be so dumb? For a moment, I thought he actually liked me. Well, I won't make that mistake again. I look at the clock. It's 2:12 AM. I have about 6 hours until my alarm goes off. I turn around, away from him, and try to fall asleep. But I can't. I'm overthinking again.

After about half an hour, I hear his sleepy voice.

"You okay?"

I don't even bother to turn around. "Yes. Go back to sleep."

"Did I do something wrong?" he asks.

I sigh. In my dream, yes. I suddenly realize how stupid I am to get so upset over a fucking dream. I mean, even if he doesn't love me, he does act like it, and that's all that matters, right? If I pretend that he feels the same way, it won't hurt that much.

Wait.

What am I even talking about?

I... love... him...?

No, I don't. I don't love him. I hate him. I hate him and the way he laughs like a child, and his way too warm hugs and kisses, and his stupid perfect face, and the way he smiles when I'm happy, and the way his touch feels like tiny blessings on my skin, and the way he talks when he's sad but he's trying not to show it, and the way he is so fucking respectful and kind, and the way he smells like a dark academia dream, and the way his voice sounds...

Wait.

No.

No.

NO.

NO!

NO!!! FUCK! WHY?!!!

WHY HAS GOD FORSAKEN ME???

"Are... Are you okay?" I hear his voice, and it wakes me up from my intense thought process.

"Yes." My voice is shaking, just like my entire body. Why does this type of shit always happen? Why did I fall in love with someone I hate?

"You don't seem like it."

I turn around and look at his perfect fucking face and the way the dim light from the street makes his eyes golden and I want to fucking die. 

I hear the rain tapping against the window, and I know it's still early. The sun is shining slightly, even from behind the clouds. It's warm, warmer than last night. 

I need to leave, I suddenly realize. I need some alone time. I need to think about this. I mean, love is just a feeling, right? It will go away. I just need to be away from him. 

I stand up, not caring nor remembering that this is my house and that I should not be the one that's leaving. I don't care that I'm only wearing lingerie and an oversized shirt, and I don't care that I am not wearing any shoes or socks. I run out of my room and head down the stairs, opening the door, feeling the warm spring rain soak my clothes and hair. I feel a tear of anger running down my cheek, but it blends with the rain. 

Only a second after I get outside, I hear James talking to me from behind me. He's still inside the house, just having put his shoes and jacket on, running outside. 

"Tell me what's wrong," he demands.

"I can't," I say, and I am about to turn around, but he grabs my hand. 

"Tell me. Please."

I shake my head, definitely crying now. "I can't, I'm telling you."

"Yes, you can. I want to know. What happened? What's wrong?"

"I can't tell you!" I yell loudly, not caring that half of the city is still asleep. 

"Why can't you?!" he asks, just as loud. He seems genuinely concerned. I realize that what we're doing is crazy. We're standing out here in the rain, fighting, like in a badly written romance movie. Damn it. When did my life become so cheesy?

"I... I just can't."

He looks desperate. I sigh, my heart sinking.

"I realized something," I say, quieter this time.

"And what is that?" he asks, his voice adapting to mine.

I shake my head again.

"Tell me, damn it!" he shouts.

"I'm in love with you, okay?!" I blurt finally. Utter shock fills my body. It's some sort of cold feeling that freezes me, and I don't want to breathe anymore, scared of what's coming next. Fuck. Why did I say that?! I want to fucking die. Is there a gun in the neighborhood, perhaps?

His expression softens, and he seems shocked. He looks like he was just punched in the gut, like there's no air in his lungs anymore. 

After what feels like an eternity, he smiles softly. "That's why you're so angry?"

I laugh through my tears. How is he always able to say what I want to hear?

"I don't blame you for falling for me, though," he says, cupping my face in his hands. "It happens to the best of us."

I laugh again. It sounds hollow, and I am sure that this moment will end in heartbreak, like in the dream. 

"I love you too, you dramatic dork." His lips meet mine, and I can't believe his words. I can't believe this is real. None of this feels real.

We kiss in the rain, and all of this still feels like a dream to me. I can't believe any of this. What does this mean? I remember that there was some girl he loved. Was that... me? Did he break up with Maud for me? He... he's loved me all this time? He loved me...? No, that's not right. Why am I using the past tense?

He loves me. And I love him.

We love each other.

For real.