After the Storm- JJ Maybank (Outer Banks)

39.

We had washed up on an island a few mere hours later. I didn't even mind it all. I was just happy to be with everyone again. My time off from being a pogue left me wondering where I stood. I planned on catching them all up and I hoped they would share stuff with me. I had fallen asleep on JJ's shoulder and he pushed my shoulder lightly to wake me up.

"We have a whole island to ourselves." John B seemed super excited.

There was a part of me that was happy, and I didn't want to feel anything else but I felt a little bit of anxiety. I wasn't sure where my dad was, if he was alive, or if he was wondering if I was dead. I wished there was a way to find it all out. My stomach felt almost empty, probably because it was but also at the thought of being stranded with no idea where we were. The thoughts of what Ward and Rafe were going to do with the cross and getting away with everything once again. It just was unfair and it made me angry.

I got off the boat and followed the others. I threw my wet bag over my shoulder, there wasn't much in there besides clothes and a few items from home. I was hoping they were still okay. I followed the pogues, JJ and John B had their arms over each other supporting while they walked. JJ had dried blood over his head with his hair covering his eyes.

I saw John B lean down and whisper something in his ear, and he responded by chuckling.

"What the hell are we gonna do?" I heard Kie say behind me.

"Well, we're claiming this island as ours. I claim thee Poguelandia. Has a nice ring to it." JJ leaned up against a tree and smiled over at me.

"Poguelandia?" I just laughed.

"Yeah, and our official flag has a chicken in a coconut bra and crocs, smoking a j."

"Very fitting, J."

"I hope you guys know how to scavenge cause we might be stuck here for a bit." John B leaned over to lean against the tree.

"Been scavenging my entire life." Cleo fiddled with a knife in her hand.

There was an awkward silence among all of us. I decided to take a seat in the sand and dig through my bag.

"The suns about to go down. Let's go see what we can find so we don't freeze tonight." Pope motioned for some people to follow, everyone did but JJ and John B.

I started to dig through my bag, pulling out piles of wet clothes.

"We should make a clothing line, so we can dry those." John B scratched the back of his neck.

"Good idea." JJ agreed.

"Aren't you guys going to help?"

"No, we wanna stay here with you." John B sat down in front of me.

"Okay. Well, I'm just gonna take everything out."

I dumped my bag out, seeing wet clothing. I dug underneath and pulled out photo frames. Ones of JJ and I, and a few of the rest of the pogues. I saw JJ perk up when he saw it. At the bottom of my bag was the ring he gave to me, which I had to take off when I was in the hospital. I reached out and slipped it back over my finger.

"So, how was the hospital?" John B swallowed hard after the sentence, like anything he said would set me off.

"You seem on edge. Is something wrong?" I look up to him, and look over to JJ for a second.

"No, I just didn't know if you were ready to talk."

"I would love to talk. What do you want to know?"

"I don't know, anything that's important for me to know? You don't have to feel pressured to say anything. Like if you're not ready."

"I'm ready. I really think it helped a lot. I realized I had a lot of things wrong with me. I'm glad JJ called me out because I don't know where I'd be without going. It really helped me discover who I am and helped me understand what was wrong so I could live life without being in so much pain."

"Did they tell you what you had?"

"I have PTSD, bipolar, depression and anxiety. I also had stockholm syndrome with Rafe, when he took me over the summer. The doctors said I just wanted validation from him, even if it was wrong. They gave me pills but I think I lost them when I was in the water. I'll be okay until we get back. I've learned how to handle things. I just gotta breathe and make sure I know real from not. I had a few episodes there. I thought my mom was going to come kill me in the shower."

"Really? I'm so sorry."

I looked over to JJ, who just was listening. He couldn't figure out what to say.

"I'm so glad I have you guys back. I felt like a piece of me was missing when I was away. I felt homesick. I went from seeing you guys everyday to never. It was definitely a big jump but it was for the best and I'm back and better than ever. I'm so happy. Just us against the world."

"I missed you too. More than anything. I'm glad you're doing better. We needed you back." John B walked over to me and pulled me into him.

He smelled like sea salt, mixed with the sand. It was comforting, and I breathed in deeply as he pulled away.

"If you need anything, please let me know. I'm gonna go help them out now." He gave me a smile before walking off the beach.

This left me and JJ alone for the first time. He was staring down into the sand, tracing into it. I moved over towards him and lifted his face with my hand. He finally looked at me, and I could see the guilt in his eyes.

"JJ, you've barely spoken a word to me. What's wrong?"

"I'm sorry about everything. I shouldn't have said those things to you when you were obviously hurting. I feel like I made it worse and hearing that you felt like a piece of you was missing while you were away breaks my heart. I never wanted you to feel like that. I was just frustrated by what you were doing. I know you couldn't help it. I wish I could've stopped it."

"None of this is your fault. You helped me realize something was wrong that I couldn't fix, something you and the pogues wouldn't be able to fix either. Never blame yourself. You're the reason I'm better, the reason I'm here right now. Who knows what could've happened if I was untreated."

"Were you scared?"

"Scared? Yeah, I was scared. I couldn't sleep for a while, because you weren't next to me. I couldn't feel your body heat against me, your arms wrapped around me. I had nightmares for a while, but it got better. I just kept remembering what this was all for. I did this. I did this so I can be better. I wanted to be better. Back to how I was when we first met. I knew I had you to come back to. You were waiting for me, cheering me on on the sidelines. You kept me going." My entire face heated up and I felt a few stray tears roll down my cheeks.

"Rachel, I'm so sorry. I'm here. I'm never going to leave you. I'm always here." He pulled me closer to him, holding my face with the palms of his hands.

He pushed my hair behind my ear as he looked up into my eyes. Those ocean blues that you could almost get lost in, put me in a trance.

"I missed you so much, J."

I laid my head over his, closing my eyes. Just being in each other's presence was enough for me at the moment.

"Rach?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you."