Set To The Sky

Chapter 17 (BackStory of Azami Sano)

Trigger warnings all over! Very serious topics 

drugs

sexual assault

abuse

Azami's POV

I can't remember when it started. Or why. I can only see fragments in the beginning. Pain, fear. The feeling of being unwanted and unloved. As a child, I had never been hugged. Not once. No one ever told me it was going to be okay. So much anger. So much pain. It was all I ever knew. Not once did I ever feel that there was anyone in this world who held me dear. The memories I kept away for so long flood back despite my attempt to stop them. I am trapped on loop. Repeat over again.

I am four, my mother is fighting with someone as my stomach grumbles, clenching painfully as the hunger makes me weak. My hands shook as I looked at a table filled with fragrant food. When was the last time I ate? I couldn't remember. Maybe three days ago, because mom was angry with me. The screaming escalated, hits being thrown and hair being pulled. I was scared, and I hid behind the spot I had found to watch, my eyes peering through the crack in the door as the people I called my parents made the house shake. I was so scared.

I am now 6. A man is over that I don't know. I can hear my mother making odd sounds, the smell of something weird filling the house. The front door opens, but I know now not to leave my room when my mother has guests open. But a blonde male I am not really sure of steps into my room. His blue eyes bear into mine, the hidden darkness in them making me shiver and feel fear for the first time in two years. My mom's moans continued uninhibited as the man reached for me.

I can still feel his fingers pressing against me. Oh how I wanted to scratch off all my skin. To be clean. I begged. I cried for my mother. Only to be told that I was to blame her. That she was sick and I was the payment for the treatment. I wish I had never been born. I hate them. But my mother was sick, and she must need me. Use me mom. Please... Please feel better soon. I cried so much that night. I'll never forget. All the men in this world were the same.

I am 10. My mom overdosed tonight. I found her in the bathroom, a needle in her arm as I called 911. I watched, afraid as I watched them spray Narcan into her nose, bringing my mother back to life. I didn't see her for a few days, her male friend left me alone. I felt relief, even if there was no food left in the fridge. Even if I starved, it was a small price to pay for a few days of peace and quiet. I was worried, but also I was conflicted. All this strife... What did I do?

When I was 12, I remember the weekly visits from my mother's plug happening several times a week. All he did was touch. He would call me beautiful, and tell me my beauty outmatched my mother's. That it should be a sin. I didn't understand what was so wrong. But I had new clothes. I finally had food in the house for once. I wasn't starving or stealing to eat. But it also came at a price. I didn't know how long that would last, I just wanted to live a normal like. But who knew I'd never get it.

In the end, two years of hell passed, going from something I could accept to a virtual and literal hell that I wished I could escape from. My mother began referring to me as the "Little whore." She was now in a relationship with the Plug she was selling me to. Her drug use became more severe until she was always too out of it to know what was happening to me. She never cared. At 14 years old, I became pregnant with my abuser's child. In response, my mother beat me black and blue until I lost it. 

And just like that, true agony began. It became nightly torture. My mother would get drunk and high, then come beat me. I dropped out of school. I couldn't hide the bruises. I hid in the house, afraid someone would see. I just wanted to help. But I was giving up. I wish I had never been born. My only purpose in life was to be mom's punching bag. What was I even alive for at this point. Why did she even want me? My mother told me she hated me because I was a wicked child, but I can't remember what I did.

How did I anger her?

Then the day came... I was 16 the day that it happened. It was my birthday, and I just wanted to spend it quietly. I was locked in my room as it started. The pounding on my door, the screaming and the cursing as the hinges buckled and my mother came in. She screamed at me. She cursed me. It wasn't to be another quiet day. It was to be a nightmare. My life was hell, but I needed to accept it. Nothing was ever going to change. My mother beat me until I was sore. 

Then she let my new stepfather have at me. I was too weak to resist. I hated myself. I hated that it was my fault she hated me. She wanted money. She wanted drugs. She wanted to drink. But she never wanted me. Why was I even born then? But the kicker? Yeah, I'll always remember that. The sun had gone down and the screaming and crying had stopped. I was almost too sore to move, but I had to pee. The cuts on my face needed dressed, so I made my way to the bathroom. But the door barely opened.

My mother sat on the floor, a band wrapped around her arm. Her eyes looked dazed and glassy and her lids heavy as she looked up at me with utter hatred. I could feel my heart break again. I should be numb by now. But Nothing in this world would prepare me for the words she would tell me. That harsh light shattered my reality as I took in the state she was in. Slumped on the floor, obviously out of her mind. But still, so much hatred left in her it hurt to see as she mumbled to herself. 

Her mumbling gradually grew louder until I could make out words. "All those years ago... Such a wicked child. I wish I had never given birth to you. You're not good for anything. You never will be. Just seeing you makes me sick. I wish I had never gotten pregnant, then I would never have been burdened with you. Your father left you with me and I was stuck... I just wanted it to end. But there you were again. Can't you see how much I can't stand your face? I hate you. You'll never hold a man. You'll never be anything... No one will ever love you...." 

Her muttering stopped as she started to shake, foam and drool coming from her mouth until She began to vomit. "MOM!" I screamed, my pain and horror replaced by fear as it lasted a minute and then she stilled, leaving me alone in the world. Unloved. Unwanted. All I would ever be was a burden. Hated by the very woman who gave me life until the day she died. What am I? What was my purpose? I hate myself. I wish I had never been born. Maybe then she'd still be... 

That call to emergency services was hard. I was left completely numb. I had no where to go from here... So I was going to climb my way up and be someone important. After all, a loveless and unloved person had to fit in somewhere. And since I was nobody, it would never matter how I accomplished it right? The day my mother died.... My heart died with her. And I no longer cared about anything except where I was going in life and how I was going to get there. So I climbed the ranks, went into modeling.

Then I met the man who boosted my career to it's highlight. Suddenly, everyone loved me? Was this what love really felt like? It was strange. I didn't know how to receive it.  But I never trusted anyone. The love was conditional, and everyone was a liar. I could only trust myself. I could only trust the path I made for myself. I hurt people to get here. I hurt many people to walk in the light. But then she came in and ruined it all. Suddenly, the fear of being forgotten hit. It would be just like before. He was snatched away.

And sitting her, holding one of their spawn, the milk chocolate eyes that look on me with so much trust, I feel my heart flinch. But why? Why should I care? I don't understand. My heart beat as if wounded as he let out a wail, tearing up. "Don't look at me like that. I'm not your mother. Kame, come take the baby. He reminds me too much of his father and he stinks," I hold out the wailing infant. Kame's red hair meets my vision as he moves to take Atsumu's son. The other baby hadn't cried once.

I was sure she was still just sleeping. But the quiet was welcomed. I could think about my next move, after all, there was no going back from this. She could never be allowed to see light again, or the roles would be reversed. As for the kids... I'd have to pass them off as my own at some point. There was no other option. I just needed to think. I needed to shake off these memories that blanketed me today. I didn't want to remember. I just wanted to be loved. But that wasn't my future. I'd have to shape it.