The Illustrated London Gasket & Cipher reports:
Escaped Zoo Exhibit Terrorises London!
Summary for the busy Reader: The "Monster from the Deep", the zoology sensation that's been the talk of the town for the last fortnight, mysteriously escaped the well-secured Special Exhibit Pavilion at London Zoo Friday night and rampaged through the streets of the capitol leaving panic, fear and destruction in its wake. Its exact whereabouts are currently unknown.
The terror!
Thousands of terrified residents of Regent's Park and Camden cowered in fear for their lives a night ago as the menacing shadow of a giant octopus fell across their windows. Pedestrians out in the area who witnessed the beast first-hand were frozen into veritable pillars of salt where they stood, so great was the stupefication at the sight of the octopus surging towards them on its eight gangly legs. Screams and wailing could be heard well into the morning hours as the monstrosity climbed house facades and ripped through back gardens, knocking over sheds and kinking water hoses. Workshops were smashed up and automaton parts, as well as other valuable goods, strewn down streets like so much rubbish. The casual looting of turnips and other greens is rumoured to be widespread.
More than 300 cats have been reported missing.
Police deny all knowledge!
The Metropolitan Police declined to speak to this reporter, stating: "We have no information for the public at this time." When pointedly asked what information they had at their disposal for the tracking and capture of the beast, the curt answer came posthaste: "London Zoo has reported one of their animals missing. That's all we know at this time."
Have they no shame?
Do the Metropolitans have no understanding for the terror of the residents of North West London who fear for their children being hurt, nay killed!, by this ghastly monster? Do they not appreciate that the good citizens of this country demand and rightly expect protection from insidious dangers such as these? Where are the specialised airships used in tracking gaol escapees? Where is the Riflemen Unit with their hounds? Will the police do nothing but sit on their hands and stare at maps? Will the average Englishman be abandoned to protect his family from death and the criminal destruction of personal property alone?
Where is it now?
Reports of sightings have been received from such divergent places as Fulham, Hackney, Redbridge and Enfield. As of yet, however, no definitive trail can be established. The beast could be anywhere!
(Info Box: The octopus' owner, Hercules Finch (37) of Whitstable was unable to be reached for comment at his rooms at Hollickpepper's Guesthouse and Scrap Metal Wholesaler.)
Geraldus Snook, reporter
(to this point: 8,000 words)
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