The Illustrated London Gasket & Cipher reports:
MONSTER OF THE DEEP DESTROYED!
Summary for the Busy Reader: Last night the giant octopus known as the "Monster from The Deep," which escaped London Zoo some three weeks ago, was revealed to be an automaton when it exploded while attempting to rob the crown jewels from the Tower of London. The designer of the creature, H. Finch (37) of Whitstable, is thought to have died when the machine caught fire and plummeted into the Thames.
The horror!
Panic broke out on the south bank of the Thames last night when dozens of concerned citizens in the boroughs of Southwark and Lambeth reported a fiery blaze at the Tower, one of our fair city's oldest and most beloved landmarks. The fire brigade and police were called out, but could detect no fire at or around the grounds, concluding at first that the reports were an organised prank.
It was only when speaking to the Master of the Tower that the true events were revealed.
An anonymous tip passed on mere hours before about a possible attempt to steal the crown jewels had put the Tower guardsmen on alert. Those brave men who guard our nation's most sacred treasure were thus fully prepared with loaded rifles at the ready when the Monster of the Deep scaled the high wall that abuts the Thames and gained the central courtyard.
Under tremendous and patriotic English fire, the creature retreated, fleeing back over the outer wall and catching fire!
It was only then that the guardsmen realised the octopus terrorising our beloved city was not a living creature, but an automaton! Yes, the beast was a machine!!!!
The Tip
The Metropolitan Police as well as the Tower of London are keeping mum about where the anonymous tip originated, but sources inside the police say a high ranking inspector was able to immediately discover the identity of the sender, even though the signature on the message had been written in invisible ink!
As this reporter has come to expect, the police are officially denying all knowledge, while feeling entitled to make ridiculous, dismissive accusations as regards the mental health and verity of the press and its employees.
What now?
The search for the body of the creator of the Monster, H. Finch, is still on going. He is, however, presumed to have died in the attack. "In a blaze like that and with high tide and all? Nah, he's a fish's dinner," said an eyewitness ferryman, who wished to remain anonymous. His observations were seconded by several other witnesses this reporter spoke to.
In the last weeks, countless lawsuits for property damage and theft have been filed, but will the victims of this incredible spree of violence and avarice ever enjoy justice? Must we fear more and more violent sprees of the same nature? Can the disinterest and lack of initiative on the part of the police ever be forgotten, or must we, the concerned citizens of London call loudly for an investigation into the matter?
Only time will tell.
Franny Wraggle, correspondent
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