Teacups & Tentacles | ONC 2022

13. Watch Yourselves

In one of the smaller rooms on the third floor meant to provide a quiet place to retreat to when things got too rambunctious even for the generally high level of rambunction in the rooms of the Society, five hand-selected Masterminds sat in a disorderly circle to discuss the topic: MARAUDING OCTOPUS.

Present were Peter Redlinkum, who had been at the group outing to the Zoo, Reginald Thwackshift, Andrew Highbottom, Harriet Kroening and Doris, who was currently Jeremy, of course, as he was in trousers.

"An octopus is a creature of the ocean, not of the land," said Andrew, glaring at the floor. "If I were it, I'd be looking for the nearest pool of water to jump into."

"The Serpentine in Hyde Park, the Thames and a few smaller lakes on the outskirts. Otherwise, bathing halls and water storage tanks, but those are sealed," said Reginald, snapping his fingers and nodding his head to a tune only he could hear. "Those are the biggest bodies of water in the metropolitan London area."

"Thank you," said Amelia, scribbling a note. "Which would be more likely for an octopus to be attracted, do you think?"

"Serpentine," wheezed Peter.

"Thames," said Reginald.

"It's only been spotted in North London," countered Peter. "And it might feel safer in a park. I would."

"According to the blasted papers," said Reginald. "Half of what's in the rags is made up and the other half isn't true. The octopus could be sunning its spotted arse down on the coast in Brighton and they'd claim it was eating toddlers just over the wall in Ealing. Wouldn't believe it, if I were you. Rumour is more reliable."

The group nodded sagely at his words.

Reginald had worked for a few years chasing the London fire brigade all over hell and back to cover accidents and disasters for the Gasket & Cipher. For that reason, he was regarded by the Masterminds as somewhat of an expert for journalism.

"If it's done crawled into the Thames, it could be anywhere," Harriet pointed out, her words muffled as they had to pass through the end of a tattered braid she was chewing on. "Literally anywhere. And it could just as easily pop out anywhere. Scare the stuffins out of Putney and have time to demolish Clerkenwell before tea. Good luck locating that on the ground." She broke into a cackle which she stifled by chewing harder on her braid.

"Good points all," Amelia said." We'll have to spread out and check the most likely spots. Now—"

"How do you propose to do that?" Jeremy politely interrupted and took a sip from the teacup and saucer he balanced on his lap. "The Serpentine won't be difficult, but the Thames? That would take a small army of people. We Masterminds are steadfast, but we are few."

No one said anything. Godwin sighed.

"Then you may use my private flying machine," Jeremy continued. "It only seats two, but from the air you'll have a far superior view of the river than on the ground. I shall pilot, of course. You or Godwin can take the passenger seat."

"Splendid!" cried Amelia, scribbling that down. "I have always wanted to take a spin in your contraption, Jeremy. Now, onto the subject of capture...what do you think? A giant net or shall we just propulsion harpoon the thing and be done with it?"

Outside the sober, common place façade of the Mastermind Society, a small contingency of Metropolitans stood finishing up their pipes and nervously shifting from foot to foot, the yellowish light of the nearby streetlamps casting their elongated shadows over the cobblestones.

"Once again, lads," said broad shouldered Inspector Gusset, gesturing with the stem of his pipe towards the Society, "the edifice before you holds the strangest collection of eccentrics and criminal intellects in all of England. Madmen, geniuses, call them what you will. I call them a damn nuisance."

He paused for dramatic effect.

"Point is, either one or more of them could be responsible for the octopus' disappearance from the zoo, or they are the only ones who can help us find it. I'm not pleased about having to call on them for assistance, but none of our efforts thus far have produced results. The dogs can't pick up on anything and our informants have been as useless as a cog in a cream bun. I shall take full responsibility for this decision if it fails."

A fresh-faced officer tentatively put up his hand, looking around as if seeking permission. "But sir, if they're responsible why are we asking them for help? Shouldn't we be taking them in for intense questioning-"

"I said they could be responsible, not that they are. Pay attention, Wilmot, or they'll eat you alive in there. It's a nest of perverts and crazies we're walking into, but they're smarter than all the dons up at Oxbridge put together, so watch yourselves." He looked each of his men in the eye, waiting for their nod of comprehension. Which he received to a man. "Now let's see what they can tell us."

A knock on the door interrupted the cluster of plotters just as they were mulling over how much money they should demand from her Majesty for the capture and possible liquidation – the jury was still out on that point - of the rampaging beast. The general opinion seemed to be that they'd only see a few bob or a lousy commendation if they were lucky, but it never hurt to ask for cheekily exorbitant sums just in case.

The door opened and Millie Goldwalken stuck her head in, grinning. "Some Metropolitans downstairs in the front salon. Want to talk to us as a group. Wonder what we've done to warrant such attention, eh? Anybody happen to accidentally impersonate the prime minister and inadvertently help themselves to a free lunch in the dining hall on Parliament Square?"

She left with a snigger, leaving the door open a crack.

"Don't look at me," said Reginald, straightening his back. "I look nothing like the PM. Besides, the last illegal thing I did was several months ago and the lady in question said she'd have me back anytime."

"Did I forget to pay my library fine again?" Peter asked the group, a worried expression wrinkling his features. "They told me there would be harsh consequences if I forgot even once more. I hope they didn't tattle on me to the coppers."

"They don't need a reason to kick in our door. Pure harassment," grumped Andrew, polishing his glasses.

"Well, whatever it is we have individually done or not done, they'd hardly show up here to question all of us about it as a group, would they?" said Harriet, spitting the wet braid from her mouth. "Shall we adjourn for a bit? It's best not to keep the beetle crushers waiting, as I'm sure you well know. Patience is not one of their virtues."

Amelia shrugged.

"We were just about done as it is, I think. Let's see. Check the few lakes on the outskirts and the Serpentine and go up in Jeremy's flying machine to see if we can make out anything in the Thames. That's good enough for a start. Thank you all for your help."

Murmurs of don't mention it and pleasure were heard.

Amelia stowed her notebook and pencil, patted at her hair, rose and marched out of the room. The rest of the Masterminds followed reluctantly in her wake. 

Whatever the police wanted it couldn't be good.

It never was.