Head in The Clouds

Forgetting

Vanessa age 56 February
Usnavi took me to the doctor last month. They have run test after test. They have ruled out everything they can. Today, the doctor asked us to meet him in his office. I am suddenly scared about what they are going to say. If it was nothing, they would have told me over the phone.
"Usnavi, hold my hand."
"Always," he smiles, taking my hand.
The doctor walks in, and greets us. "Mrs Delavega . After many test, I am afraid you are showing the signs of early onset Alzheimer's."
"What! I'm only 56. Are you sure?"
"Your blood test show an elevated level of beta-amyloid, a protein that accumulates abnormally in the brains of people with Alzheimer's. You and your husband have told me of different instances of severe confusion or forgetfulness. The symptoms are enough to refer you to a specialist. The doctor will call you in the next day or two, to set up your appointment with them."
"Thank you doctor." Usnavi says, standing up and shaking his hand. He then takes my hand and we walk out. I am too stunned to say anything. When we get near our apartment, I finally start to process what he said. I stop and grab Usnavi's arm.
"Yes Amor."
"We can't tell anyone! Not now. I don't want to worry Mama or the girls. When we know there is something to tell, we will tell them. Until them, please don't say anything."
"Okay. For now, we don't have to tell anyone."
I wrap my arms around him and burry my face in his chest. He rubs my back and kisses the top of my head.
"Everything will be okay Vanessa. I am always going to be here for you.

Vanessa age 57 July
Usnavi and I get a call early this morning. Lucia has gone into labor and is headed to the hospital. Usnavi and I rush to the hospital. We get there, and Mama is holding her hand.
"Mama!"
"Hi baby. How are things going?" I ask, hugging her.
"This freakin hurts Mama."
"Yes baby, it does.How far progressed are you?"
"I am 7 centimeters dilated. Doctor says I am getting my epidural soon."
"At least you get one. I couldn't have one with either you are Dani."
"Why?"
"I'm allergic to one of the ingredients."
"Oh man, that would suck."
"It did. When did your labor start?"
"Yesterday evening. Abuelita has been with me ever since."
"Where is David. Is he coming?"
Lucia just rolls her eyes at this. "No. I haven't heard much from him since we broke up."
"You broke up?"
"Yeah Mama. We broke up last month. He said he is not ready to be a father. Don't you remember?"
"Right. Sorry Mija. I didn't sleep well last night. I guess I just had a moment."
"Mama, are ...."
Before she can speak anymore, a contraction hits and she tenses up. Usnavi grabs her hand, and I move her hair out of her face.
"Just breath baby. It will be over soon."

Six hours later, Lucia gives birth to a beautiful baby girl.
"Mama, would you like to hold your granddaughter?"
I nod, tears filling my eyes. Lucia hands me the baby, and I snuggle her close.
"She looks just like you, when you were a baby. You are so beautiful Babygirl. Doesn't she look like Lucia did, Usnavi?"
He cups his hand under her head. "She looks just like you Mija."
He kisses our granddaughter, and then goes over to kiss Lucia.
"I am so proud of you Mija."
"Thanks Papa."
Holding my granddaughter, makes me realize I need to tell my children what's going on with me. I am soon overwhelmed with emotion, and feel the tears start rolling down my face.  I hold my granddaughter up, kiss her beautiful little head, and start to think of all I will miss.
"Mama, what's wrong?"
"We will talk later baby. Mostly, I am just so happy to meet your daughter. What is her name?"
"Lilliana Vanessa Delavega."

The next week, when Lucia is home and settled, we decide it is finally time to tell Daniella, Lucia, and Mama about everything. I also invite Nina, not wanting to have this conversation too many times.
There is a nock on the door and I open it to Nina.
"Hi Chica."
I hug her and smile. "Hi Nina. I am glad you made it. Daniella and Camilo got here a few minutes ago."
"What's going on Vanessa. I have been worried about you all day."
"Come on," I say taking her hand. "I will explain now. Usnavi, Nina is here."
"Coming Amor."
I sit down between Nina and Lucia. Usnavi sits close by.
"Guys, I have something I need to tell you."
"What is it Mama?"
"I'm sure you guys have noticed I have been forgetful lately."
They nod. I look to Usnavi, and he nods. I steady myself and keep talking.
"Two months ago, I was officially diagnosed with Alzheimer's."
The looks on their faces break my hearts.
"What are you talking about Mama. You are barely 57. How can you have Alzheimer's?"
"It is called early onset Alzheimer's. It must have come from my bio mom's side. I've talked to my brother and sister. No one on that side has had it before."
"What happens now Mama?" Dani asks.
"Well baby, I will slowly forget everyone and everything around me. It will be harder and harder for me to make new memories. It is already difficult."
"Is that why you forgot David and I broke up?" Lucia asks.
"Yes. It is a symptom of my dementia. It is also why I have been getting lost lately. I alway have to make sure I have my phone with me. If I forget where I am, I click home on maps and it will get me home. It has happened twice. The first time was the day you told us you were pregnant. The second time was last week."
"How long will you live like this?" Lucia says, beginning to cry.
Mama takes the baby from Lucia and I pull Lucia into my arms. "Most live 4 to 8 years after diagnosis. I could live up to twenty. There is no way of knowing."
"No! I can't. We can't lose you. We need you."
"I know baby. I won't lie and say it will be easy. The doctors says life will become very difficult for all of us. I will start forgetting everything and everyone I love. You guys will have to watch it. I will still be here though. As long as I have you guys near me, I will be okay, even if I can't express it. No matter what happens, I love you guys more than I can ever say. You have made my life amazing."
My girls begin to cry. Camilo holds Daniella. I hold Lucia. She lays her head in my lap and sobs. The tears begin to fall down my cheek. Nina sees, wipes them, and wraps her arms around me. Mama gets up and strokes my hair. "It's okay honey. We are all here, and we will always be here. We will remember when you start to forget. I promise."