Head in The Clouds

Learning To Say Goodbye

Usnavi POV Vanessa age 68 September
In the last six months, Vanessa has completely forgotten everyone around her. She recognizes us, but she doesn't know who we are. She hardly speaks. She needs help feeding her self, going to the bathroom, showering, and everyday necessities. Thankfully Lucia, Lilly, and Dani moved back in with us. They are a huge help, and comfort to me.
We all take care of Vanessa, but despite my protest, Nina hired a full time nurse for Vanessa. Not long after she was diagnosed, Vanessa made us promise to never put her in a nursing home. Nina, knowing we can't afford to hire a nurse, did it for us. Nina said that Vanessa is her best friend, and like a sister to her. She wants to see Vanessa get the best care she possibly can. The day the Nurse arrived, I was beyond relieved. There is still always one of us with her, but it is nice to have Nurse Margie with us.
I get dressed, and go kiss my wife before work.
"Vanessa, Amor, I am headed to work. Have a good day. I love you."
"Okay Usnavi. I love you too."
At the sound of her voice, I freeze in my tracks.
"Amor, did you just say something?"
She has already gone back to eating her breakfast. "Margie, she just spoke. She said my name clearly."
"It's not uncommon for Alzheimer's patients to have moments of clarity."
"I know, but this is her first one in a long time. Maybe things will get better."
"Usnavi, you know that's not going to happen. I would love to give you hope and tell you that things will get better, but Alzheimer's is a progressive disease."
"And Vanessa is in her last stage, isn't she?"
"Yes. I believe so. But, you could have up to two years. Enjoy this time. It will be so precious to you after she is gone."
I just nod. "Her mom should be up in a little while. I have to go to work early."
"Have a good day."

After work, I get home and Dani is feeding Vanessa dinner.
"Hey, she was hungry so I went ahead and made her some dinner."
I walk over and kiss Vanessa on the cheek."
"Hi amor! How was your day?"
She looks up at me and her eyes get wide.
"Who are you?"
"I'm your husband Vanessa."
"I don't know you! Get out of my house!"
"Vanessa, it is me. It's Navi."
"I don't know you. Get out! Mama, get this man out of my house!"
"Nessa! Please...."
She starts screaming over and over again that I'm a stranger and need to leave. I turn and leave, knowing she won't calm down until I leave.
As I walk around the neighborhood, I run into Nina.
"Hey are you okay?"
I look at her, tears in my eyes, and shake my head.
"What's wrong?"
"I'm losing my wife. The woman I know is disappearing more and more everyday."
She hugs me. "What happened?"
"I came home today and Dani was feeding her dinner. I went up and gave her a kiss on the cheek and she looked at me with so much fear in her eyes. She didn't know me. She looked terrified and yelled at me to get out. I knew this day was coming, but still."
She hugs me a little tighter. "Hey, you are not alone in this. We are here for you. Me, my kids, your kids, and Dani."
I nod. "I know. Thank you. It just sucks."
"I know. Losing Benny was the hardest thing I have been through. You will get through this. How about I go buy you some dinner and we can reminisce about the Vanessa we used to know."
"That sounds nice. Thank you."

Usnavi 68 December
Today is Christmas Day. The entire family, plus
Nina and her family, are coming over to celebrate. We suspect this is Vanessa last
Christmas, and we want to enjoy it with her.
When Daniella, Camilo, Riley, and their newest daughter Hayden arrive, Riley runs to her Abuela who is sitting on the couch next to Dani.
"Hi Abuela! How are you feeling?"
Vanessa smiles at her granddaughter. Riley sits beside her and takes Vanessa's hand. "Guess what Abuela. Hayden learned to sit up yesterday. Also, Mamí says I get to start gymnastics after
Christmas. For my sixth birthday next week, we get to go to the American Girl store and I get to pick out my own doll. Will you come with me when we go?"
"Your Abuela may be able to come. We will see how she is feeling," I say, kissing Riley.
"Mama, would you like to hold Hayden," Daniella asks. Vanessa has the brightest smile at this. She has always loved holding babies. One thing we found that comforts Vanessa, is her having a doll to take care of.
"Here Vanessa, I will take your baby so you can hold Hayden." Camilo says. I sit beside Vanessa, ready to help if needed. Hayden is only four months old, so I worry a little. She would never intentionally hurt her, but she is not always overly steady.
When Daniella places Hayden in her arms, she speaks clearly for the first time in a week.
"Hi my little Daniel."
"Mama, this is Hayden, not Daniel. Daniel is grown up and now Daniella, remember."
"Oh, Hayden is beautiful."
"She really is Mama. She is your granddaughter."
"I have another Granddaughter?"
"Yes Abuela. Lilly, me, and Hayden." Riley says, grinning ear to ear.
"Are you my granddaughter?"
"Yes Abuela."
Vanessa grins at Riley. "You look so much like my little Daniel. I think you two will be best friends."

While we are eating dinner, Vanessa looks up. "Is it Christmas?"
"Yes Amor. It is Christmas."
She looks at me and then looks around the table.
"Benny, is that you?"
"No tia. It's Ben."
In the last few years, Ben got out of prison and started working as a barber. He is now clean and loving his job. Nina is so relieved her son is on the right track again.
"You are grown up." She looks around and looks surprised. "All of you are grown up so much."
"Abuela, do you remember me?"
"Lilly?"
"Yes Abuela. Mommy, she remembers me."
"I hear that honey."
"Lucia, did you get a new dog."
"Yeah Mama. About eight years ago. Vivo passed and I need a new guide dog. This is hank."
"Mama, do you want to hold your newest granddaughter?" Daniella says excitedly.
"I have another!" She say excitedly.
"Yeah Mama. She was born four months ago."
Daniella walks over and places her in Vanessa's arm. "Mama, this is Hayden Vanessa Lewis."
"You named her after me."
"Yes Mama. You are my best friend. I want her to always have her Abuela with her. Giving her your name, is the best thing I could think of."
Vanessa looks near tears at this. She lays her hand on Daniella's face. "I love you Mija."
Daniella, tears in her eyes, puts her head to Vanessa. "I love you too mama. I love you so much."

Later that night, Vanessa, Dani, and Nina are talking. Much to our surprise, Vanessa has stayed lucid for almost an hour.
"Nina, you are my best friend, right?"
"Always and forever Chica."
"Then you will be honest with me. What is going on with me?"
Nina sighs and takes Vanessa's hands. "Vanessa, you have Alzheimer's. You are in the final stage of the disease."
"I think I knew that. That's why I don't remember much of the last few years."
Nina nods. "Yeah."
"Can I ask you a favor?""
"What ever you want?"
"Watch over my family when I am gone."
"I already made this promise after your diagnosis. I will always watch over your family. I need you to make me a promise. Tell Benny, when you see him, that I miss him."
I see Vanessa hug Nina. "Of course. Thank you for being my best friend."

At night, when we settle into bed, I crawl into bed with Vanessa. "This has been the best Christmas we have had in a long time. I miss you Vanessa."
"I am here Usnavi. In case I can't tell you again, you have made me so happy. I love you."
"I love you too."
"Usnavi, hold me."
I snuggle into her and she kisses me, then buries her face in my neck. She holds me tight, and soon falls asleep.
"I love you Vanessa."

Usnavi 67 February
Vanessa is in her last days. She is completely bed ridden. She has only had a couple bites of food in the last few days. She has spent most of the last few days sleeping. Lucia has hardly left her mom's side. Daniella has spent the last two nights sleeping on the couch to be with her mom.

I wake up and Vanessa seems to be struggling a little to breathe. I jump up and go get Margie. She comes in and checks Vanessa's vitals.
"It's time to get everyone here to say goodbye. She is fading."
I nod. I go to wake up Daniella and she is making breakfast with Dani.
"Hey Papa! Glad you are up. Breakfast is almost ready."
"Guys, Margie says it is time to say goodbye."
Dani knows immediately what I'm taking about. Daniella, doesn't pick up in it.
"Yes Papa. Breakfast is almost ready."
I walk over, turn off the stove, and lift her chin. "Daniella, it's time to go say goodbye to mom."
Realization hits and her face breaks.
"I... I need to call Camilo. The girls need to come say goodbye."
I kiss her brow. "I'm going to go wake up Lucia and Lilly. Dani, can you call Nina?"
She nods.

Thirty minutes later, I'm sitting beside Vanessa on the bed, holding her hand. The girls and their children have already said their goodbyes. They took the grands to the living room to watch a movie. Dani is sitting on the other side of  Vanessa. Nina walks in a moment later.
"How is she?"
"It's a matter of moments," I tell her.
Nina walks over and kisses her on the cheek. "Goodbye Chica. Don't worry about your family. I will watch over them."
Vanessa smiles and squeezes my hand. She then opens her eyes and looks at me. "Navi... I love you."
I cup her face. "I love you too Nessa."
She smiles and I lean in and give her a gentle kiss. When I pull back, she smiles. She then closes her eyes and stops breathing.
"Vanessa! Amor no! Please, no. Not yet, I'm not ready."
Dani leans over and kisses Vanessa on the brow. "Goodbye honey. I love you so much. Tell your Mamí how much I miss her and tell her I will see her soon."
Nina, tears rolling down her face, kisses Vanessa's head one last time and leaves the room. A moment later, I hear my girls sobbing. I get up and go to them. We spend the next hour clinging to each other. The funeral home comes and picks her up around lunch time. After, I go into the room and lay on the bed. I hold her pillow close to me, clinging to it. After a while, I cry myself to sleep and dream of my beautiful wife.