Beetlejuice oneshots 🪲

Ghost Sex

The house was quiet. Charles and Delia were out on their honeymoon, Lydia had gone to bed early, and the two ghosts in the house were awake with nothing to do.

"Do you remember our honeymoon?" Adam asked as the two of them lounged on the couch, bored (no pun intended) to death. "I kind of miss being newlyweds."

Barbara sighed at the memory. She and her husband had been through so much together— in life and in death. "Why can't we do anything fun like that anymore?"

"We always could," Adam pointed out. "I mean, we're alone in the house until Delia and Charles get back and Lydia wakes up. And since we can't sleep we've got the whole night."

His wife frowned, considering this. "No, you're right! We have six hours to do anything we want! Hell, we could have a honeymoon of our own."

"Great," Adam said. "Now we just have to think of what we used to do on our actual honeymoon."

Barbara's face slowly turned to a mischievous grin. "I remember something we used to do a lot," she remarked.

Adam's eyes went wide. "Wait. That? Can we even do that when we're, you know, dead?"

"I mean, we still have our..." Barbara gestured downward. "It would be worth a shot. What do you say?"

"I'm up for it if you are," her husband replied, crossing his legs on the couch.

"I most definitely am." She paused. "Oh, but where are we going to do it? We can't just do it here." She turned to look around. The house didn't have many places they could be alone, at least not that were comfortable enough for the things they were planning on doing.

"What about Charles and Delia's room?" asked Adam suddenly. "They're not using it. And it's just for one night, right?"

Barbara raised her eyebrows at this. "Are you sure? What if they find out?"

"What do you think they're doing right now, Babs," Adam said matter-of-factly, standing up. "They won't care! And that's if they even find out. We're ghosts, remember?"

"Is ghost sex different than... well, regular sex?"

"Guess there's only one way to know for sure," Adam replied with a grin.

At about three o' clock in the morning, Charles and Delia finally got home. They'd planned to get back from their honeymoon much later that day, but after a sleepless night they'd decided it was time to head back.

"I can't believe we're married now." Charles pulled his new wife into a kiss. "This has been the best week of my life."

"Mine, too," Delia responded, reaching for his hand, which was on her waist. "Well, let's not linger in the hallway. Lydia's still asleep. What do you say we go upstairs..."

"I'm way ahead of you." Charles took his coat off and tossed it carelessly on the living room couch as they passed through. They went up the stairs, talking and laughing every once in a while (forgive them, they were also kind of drunk). They got up to their room and Charles was about to open the door before he actually realized it had been closed in the first place. "That's odd. Why is our bedroom door shut?"

"Probably just the wind," Delia replied, planting a quick kiss on his cheek. He smiled at her and opened the door. The sight in front of them shocked them enough that they screamed.

"Oh, my God!" Adam shrieked. He grabbed one of the pillows from Charles and Delia's bed and put it over Barbara's face, either to spare her the embarrassment or to create the illusion that he was there alone.

"Ow! Adam!" Barbara complained. She pushed the pillow aside and stared worriedly in the direction of the door. "You guys, we are so-"

"Sorry," Adam jumped in, trying to straighten himself. He wrapped the bedsheet around his waist and tried to get up, but tripped and it came undone. Delia and Charles screamed again.

All of the commotion regarding the ghost sex had woken Lydia, and she stormed out of her room into the hallway where Charles was turning red and Delia was crying. "What is going on out here?" she demanded, catching a glimpse of Adam and Barbara in the other room. "What are you guys doing?!"

"Lydia, look away!" Barbara ordered, trying to help Adam get back up while also keeping herself covered. "Charles, Delia, um, we didn't know that you would be back so... soon..."

"We didn't know that you would be doing this when we got back!" shouted Charles. Lydia turned and ran back to her room. Barbara watched her go helplessly.

Delia peered into the bedroom. "Adam, are you still—"

"Don't look at it!" Adam screamed.

Charles shut the door and he and his wife stared at each other in shock. They had been anticipating a nice, quiet night after getting home (at the very least, a nice night), but this was far from their expectations.

"Should we just go sleep on the couch?" Delia asked in a whisper. Charles nodded and the two of them darted down the stairs.

Barbara and Adam were mortified. As ghosts who had never had undead sex before, they hadn't known what the outcome would be, but this was not on their list. They agreed to just call it a night, and since Delia and Charles never came up to claim their bed, the two stayed right there.

"Goodnight, Barbara."

"Goodnight, Adam."

They never spoke of the incident again.