Carousel of the Mind

Shutdown

I have the urge to disappear.

With that i dont meant committing suicide but to really just go away.
When i was around the age of 12-14 i always said i will break any contact to my family when im older.
In my brain this thought was build on hate towards my father for beating me, towards my mother for not ever saying anything against it and for my fathers whole side of the family because they were the typical norm of a 'so perfect' family.
After a long while i decided by myself to rest my personal case of hate against my father and wanted to start new.
I did that.
Maybe it still bothers me to never have gotten any kind of apologie from all of them i dont know exactly.

Fact is im 19 Years old at the time im writing this (2022) and i have the opportunity to just move across the country. My parents, especially my mom is against it obviously.
Shes obsessive about me and my live choices because i am everything she didnt wanted to have as a Daughter.

I have told everyone except my family that i probably wont go because ive found a reason why it makes more sense to not go yet.
As you might think.. yes that reason was made up. Ive just thought about staying here because ive been falling hard for a Girl.
The complicated thing about this is first of all, that i didnt wanted something like this to happen because i knew it would change my way of thinking. She also is in the same Team as i am and is obviously scared of starting something real and public with me.
That by far does not mean that she isnt into me. We actually had something going on and were til yesterday texting nonstop.
Since she just came out of a relationship she publicly doesnt want anything like that right now and is avoiding meeting me privately even though weve talked about it multiple times and i did told her that i wont rush or push her into something she doesnt want. Problem with that is that she cant tell me what she wants because she seems to be really unsure herself.
Anyways end of the story for now is that she keeps me on distance and that makes it easyer for me to get my spirit to go back.

I have recently though about going and not talking to anyone i knew including family and friends as soon as im there. It will break theyr hearts i know that.
This time it isnt because of a specific hatrate towards any of them but simply because i want to disappear and start new from zero.
And with zero i mean nothing and noone.
These people and this place doesnt feel any sort of right for me and im constantly drugging myself to not have to think about where i am.
I dont feel home and never did.
I dont want to be judged by family friends or any kind of people i know somehow.
My desired City is one of the most tolerating and open minded ones in the Country and i will go my way.
This all might sound extremely selfisch and it probably is but i cant stand it anymore and ive been struggling with this feeling all my live. Everyone especially my parents made me belive that every bad thing that ever happened was my fault.
I havent gotten an apology or real help from anyone and if i stay im afraid that i will end up dead through my own hands in one or another way.

I really hope that someone understands what and how i mean it.