Carousel of the Mind

Angry

Angry
I am so incredibly angry.
Basically raging.
I am angry at myself above everyone else.
Angry at all of the people who wronged me.
Angry about my lost childhood and about the consequences of it that I have to drag around with me to this day and beyond.
It is incredibly unfair that I have to relearn to properly communicate my feelings and thoughts to people just to not drown in them.
To lead a healthy and normal life.
To be able to one day have a partner and friends that really know me.
People that not only hear but also really listen to my words.
It is so hard wanting to get better and really having to put so much work into that.
It's draining.
I've spent 22 years being my only comfort person. My only companion. The only person pulling me up when things got so bad again.
I had to work for every little thing I have and am to this day.
Had to explain myself. Fight to be taken serious. To be valid enough.
Rearranging my brain to let people in because they used to beat it into my head.
They lead me to believe that I was wrong. Too much to handle. Too loud and too intense.
I was a child and you should have protected me from that not feed me to the wolves.
It's so frustrating to knowingly reparent myself into the person I was supposed to grow into.
You made me believe that not talking at all and always smiling was the best I could do.
Other people's feelings before my own at any cost. Yours included.
Fighting for everything. I have no one else to thank for the person i now see in the mirror but me.
Unable to let people help me until now.
Until I got so drained and empty that I had no choice but to scream for help.
To scream because my life literally depends on it.
I am so angry at the world for not seeing me sooner. For not listening to my crying and praying. For making me feel like I was better off dead.
Not because I wanted to die but because it would be easier for everyone around me. More convenient.

It took so long for me to actively try to break free. Still rearranging all of the wires as I write this. It's hard.
I'm an adult now and learning things that I should have learned as a kid.

Having to hold it all in and to force myself through live as it is to not accidentally destroy it because I literally can't afford to.
I was supposed to feel like this when I was 10.
When I could still act out without much consequences. Because I was a child then.
I've lost it all. My whole teenage years.
Always blaming me for it.
Blaming me for everything.

But I am done now.
Not willing to put anyone's feelings in front of my own.
Tired of comforting others while drowning myself.
Tired of hurting myself in every way there is to desperately feel alive.
To not feel like a ghost.
It ends now.