Carousel of the Mind

Drug Abuse

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
If you struggle with any sort of addiction especially Drugs please don't read the following chapter alone and talk with someone about what youve read. The following Text is my personal view and isnt supposed to trigger anyone.

As long as i can think ive always been attracted to Drugs. I remember the first time that whole thing got into my head. It was in 8th grade i think. O was 13 years old and our biology teacher let each student do a presentation about one Drug or Addiction. If i remember it right i had been giving Sleeping Pills as a Topic. My Presentation got a 2 in Grades but i remember that i was a lot more interested in Mdma, Extacy, Coke and everything that gives you a Kick. But also i was scared of Crack and Heroine. That because those counted as the 'hardest' Drugs and i hated Needles. Tbh Heroine still gives me the Creeps.
My fascination stayed as i got older even though i was against all kinds of Drugs except for Alcohol. As it is pretty normal that changed fast and soon i wasnt only drinking but also smoking Cigarettes and Weed.
After watching Christiane F. (Wir Kinder vom Banhof Zoo) it got me thinking about the psychological aspect of taking Drugs and about why people more or less choose to try it out.
When i was 17 i moved out from my parents Home and into a shared City apartment. I had 2 Roommates whose real Names i wont say for obvious reasons. Let us just call them Ann and Simon.
Simon was and is still the most interesting guy ive ever met. He is the friendliest person you could imagine and always looks like he has no clue whats going on even though hes extremely smart. He was a Med Student at that time and i really miss having him around. For me he kinda fit the role of the Big Brother. Everytime we went out he made sure to get me home safely, gave me his jacket when i was freezing and stuff like that.
Ann on the other Hand was obviously smart even though she lived in her own World. She likes everything Poetic and was always reading some snob german literature. If you saw her youd probably call her a Hippie/Hipster which i totally agree on.
I really liked them both and we had a great time.
Pretty fast after i moved in i realized that Weed was extremely normal and a part of theyr everyday life. Ann always told me to not smoke Cigarettes or Weed though and she still isnt a fan of me doing exactly that.
I loved living in the City. Everyday no matter what time you could do something and not living alone made everyday a suprise on what to do. Also our house was full of shared flats like ours so the stairway always smelled like Weed especially on the weekends.
For me it didnt took long to be chill about it but i gotta admit that when i accidentally found the even more illegal Drugs my Roomy stored in our Freezer i kinda freaked out. Childish naive as i was at that point i asked him why he was hiding it there but only got a chill 'i am not hiding it its a good storage place because its cold' back. I think they realized how new that mindset was for me. As the Time went on i tried out a lot without my roommates knowledge but also with. At this point of the story i gotta say that most of the Drugs i did at that time were from Simon but he kinda didn't knew i took them even to this day.woth hin knowing it would have been the complete opposite because he would never give me something like that if i would have asked. I know its a kinda shitty thing to do but see, i was 17 and wanted to try everything.
Sadly that was also the time where the first Season of Euohoria dropped. Watching that made me even more excited about the use of Drugs and i also could and still can identify with rues psychological reasons a lot.
Taking pills that make you feel euphoric is a amazing experience because especially if you think too much normally, youll be able to shut the thoughts out for a while. As you might have already guessed I'm also not a big fan of our society or this kind of living in general so the absence of bad thoughts or feelings and the luck i felt were very welcome.
Im not sure if Simon ever even suspected me taking some of his stuff or if he knew because he never said anything. But he and his Friend were givuyng me a 45 minute Speech about me not getting too influenced by them. I thought that was extremely funny because they both were drunk at a party with me but the thought alone is adorable.

Skipping forward to me now. I sadly dont live in the city anymore which was a mistake. I also live on my own in my own Apartment now. The problem here is that i never really had a Dealer and now still dont have one witch means i like drinking a lot sometimes. Not in an addictive way so far but still as a Release when my mental health is dropping. Also i realized that i like the feeling of not being accountable for any shit i said when i was drunk or high which can be a lot. The only problem with that is that noone i talk to at the moment really knows about the Drugs ive been taking and why. Also my ex roomys both moved out one before and one after me. Simon came back but after ive left. All of his friends which i got along with now live in Berlin or Austria for some reason.
That all led to me spending too much money on scam Dealers and multiple oferdoses of my own medication aswell as some overdosed legal medication and spices.
Trust me when i say that every Nut you can buy that, according to people and google, make you high arent woth trying. Ive been sick for a week and couldnt walk the 5 meters to my own bathroom straight for three days.
It surely was a distraction from my Head no dought but it still isnt worth the pain.
I would also not recommend taking any legal or illegal shit while having a Mental Breakdown.
My Medication which also needs to be prescribed as well as pain medication makes you tired and dizzy for what i can say.
The perks of using those are that you feel very out of place and floating like the next day. Kind of like a Hamgover but you havent drank anything.

I really went from scared of Drugs to i try to put up everything my Nose i can find or taking everything pill in overdose. Is that healthy? No
Would i recommend any of it? No and yeah. If you really want to try out getting high try something simple like weed or as for pills i think a lower dose of molly. But only take that in your own house and preferably with someone because you never know how you will react. I know you arent supposed to say yes to Drugs but i personally think its worth an experience.
As soon as you feel the need to do it out of context you should stop immediately.

No matter where Drugabuse is described. If its in a tv show movie book or even theater they always take it for a Reason i find not only interesting but also solid. Its mostly because of pressure and stress. Sometimes because you want to fit in but thats rare. As for me i mostly took Drugs alone or before Partying so it definitely wasnt a group thing. As mentioned before i was always pretty fascinatet and wanted to try out how it feels not knowing how much i actually enjoy it. I like taking something and then just watch a tv show. It feels like nothing is around you and youre basically in the show. Nothing matters except for what you look at. Like a tunnel but a bit more fun. Also your heart races away and it feels like you could jump out of happyness and euphoria to a point where it slows down and youre just totally chill. Thats how i think mdma, extacy and basically everything you take as a illegal pill or snort feels like.

Meds and Painkillers aren't a great thing at all and i probably shouldnt even talk about my experiences with those because i get the feeling it will still sound good. A word of advice if you dont want to accidentally die. Just don't try it. I am getting a form of Antiseptics prescriped and when i had a big ass breakdown a while ago i took 35 of them and found out that they really make you sleep long and really hard. Not gonna lie taking that amount i was hoping to yeet myself permanently into another world with obviously didn't worked out. The smartest thing would have probably been to go to a doctor as soon as i awoke the next day but i went to work and acted as if nothing happened. Now whenever i feel bad and dont wish to cry myself to sleep i take 3 to 5 of them and sleep like a baby. Something mixed with pain killers.
Please dont try any of that seriously as said those experiences were actually ment to Kill myself and even that wont work out.
I am not sure what this does to my body at all because im not a doctor or anything familiar with meds. The reason why i am for now continuing that unhealthy Livestyle is due to the fact that we still have a overused medical system when it comes to psychological issues so its basically impossible to get a therapist. Also i hate talking about my feelings and thoughts so for now i keep it to myself and tell myself that i will heal writing all lf this down and maybe getting my dreamjob in a few months/years

Nothing really poetic or smart for today. Maybe you get lucky in the next chapter.