Hate & Love

Problems

Moni deserves better, She's got so much going for her and I'd hate to be the bad apple on her tree.

It's currently New Years Day, I was at Shay's house. I woke up here after I got shit faced and somehow made it here without getting in a wreck.

It took a minute for me to collect myself so I could recall what happened last night.

A long friendship was going down the drain because of my disloyalty.

"Soo, you gone tell me what happened?", Shay says as she walks in the kitchen.

"Shit, where should I start?"

16 hours earlier

I just now got to Casey's house it was going on 10:30 and I was ready to celebrate the New Year.

Casey's kickback definitely wasn't kickbacked, everybody and their mother was here. I walked through the door and the party aroma smacked me in my nose.

Music was blasting with bodies swaying and dancing to the rhythm. Drugs and Alcohol being sold and taken like this was an episode of Euphoria. Hopefully their ain't no drama tonight.

I made my way to the backyard, knowing Moni would be on the patio with everyone else.

I was correct, she was sitting next to Mikey. She looked so pretty, her hair today was straight with slightly bumped ends. She's wearing a Fashion Nova tracksuit with all white G Nikes.

My bitch pressure.

She must've felt my eyes on her because she looked my way and her eyes met mine. Her lips curved into a smile and she started making her way towards me.

"Hey baby", she wrapped her arms around my neck and connected our lips.

"You look like you tryna go home early and bring the new year in with my face between yo thighs", I said in her ear.

A laugh fell from her lips, "You would like that huh?"

She let go of my neck and grabbed my hand. She led me towards everybody and I greeted them with daps and 'wassups'.

I sat down and Moni sat in my lap.

"Ok but im still not understanding how niggas can't cheat.", Casey said .

Her and Mikey seemed to be debating on another stupid topic. Casey always follow Mikey ass up when he say stupid shit. It's amusing sometimes, other times I wish they'll just shut the fuck up.

"Bruh niggas don't get attached to bitches. We fuck and duck, but y'all females catch feelings n shit. Ain't no bitch fucking a nigga she don't like.", he said.

I chuckled at that, because females can most definitely pimp niggas out. Mikey ass just need a girl that gone show him 2 can play that game.

"Dude how you made your own meaning for a word that already has a definition. If you're fucking somebody that's not your significant other and you and your significant other aren't in an open relationship, you're cheating." Casey argued back.

"Mane y'all muhs must not be drunk, somebody give these people some alcohol.", I said.

"Ong, they need some happy juice. Niggas always arguing.", Travis said.

Soon everybody had enough alcohol and THC in their system to wash all their worries away. Me and Moni were in mix of the crowd. City girls "Twerkulator" started blasting and Moni started backing her ass up on me.

Lil mama thang was thangin. I let her do her thing, and slapping her ass as it moved.

Then the music stopped, it was 11:58 and the countdown was about to begin. When the clock struck 11:59, everyone began counting down. The projectors was projecting the seconds on the wall so everyone could be on the same track.

"10..9..8..7..6..5..4..3..2..1, HAPPY NEW YEARSS", Moni grabbed my face and crashed her lips into mine.

The kiss was sloppy but passionate, I could taste the Hennessy she was drinking and her lip gloss was for sure getting smeared all over my face.

Bodies were bumping into us, making us pull apart.

"I love you", the words left Moni's lips and I instantly froze.

I didn't expect that. My heart had dropped to my toes. I had to be tripping, but the look in Moni's eyes said otherwise.

She wanted me to say something back but I couldn't. I didn't know what to say. I couldn't tell her that I love her too, cause it would be a lie.

Guilt coursed through my bones, Moni admitted her love for me and I don't even deserve it. Not when I'm constantly thinking about another female. One that I told Moni she didn't have to worry about.

And the life that I'm living doesn't make it any easier. Moni loves the Mercedes that cared about her future. I don't even know if there is a future for me now.

The guilt I was feeling quickly turned into anger.

Why did I have to be a mess. I knew relationships came with too much baggage that I didn't have space for. But here I am, and now I have to deal with the consequences.

I sucked my teeth, "mane Moni don't say that shit"

I watched the emotions on her face change from
Nervous to confusion.

I was upset, not at Moni but at myself.

"What?", she said.

"Let's not get on that sappy shit, ion got time for it.",  then the confusion on her face changed to hurt.

"So me telling you I love you is sappy shit Dee? Really?", I could hear the hurt leak from her words.

Hurting her wasn't my intention, I just didn't want to hear all that love stuff. Especially when I know I don't deserve it.

I don't understand why it's so hard for me to do right in relationships.

"Moni I ain't mean- no fuck you Dee", she cut me off before she walked off through the crowd.

I'm a fucking dumbass.

............

"So she told you she loved you and you got upset because you don't think you deserve her love? Why?" Shay asked.

"Yeah, because she wants this version of me that I don't even know anymore.", I said telling half of the truth

I really wanted to say how I can't love Aamoni when I'm always thinking about someone else. But that would just create more problems.