Hate & Love

Reflection

The clouds were covering the sun, and the air smelled of rain. It was a gloomy day for the wake of Zion. The weather matched everyone's mood. 

I approached Zion's parents house, cars were parked up and down the street so I knew the house was going to be packed.

I didn't know what I was going to gain from this or what to expect but I wasn't going to hide in my pits of sorrow. This was my best friend, respect would be given.

When I entered the house, everyone's attention was on the door to see who was coming in. Some people were whispering to the the person next to them, and it wouldn't be hard to guess what they were saying.

I didn't pay it no mind, I walked through everyone to find Mrs Taton. I wanted to give her my condolences and apologize for everything.

I found both Zion's mom and dad, in the kitchen surrounded by their loved ones.

"Mama T", I said pulling her attention towards me.

"Can I talk to you?", I asked her.

She nodded before leading me to a private area with her husband following us.

"I just wanted to come here today and pay my respects. Zion wa- is my bestfriend and I know we weren't cool for a bit but that night wasn't meant to turn out like it did. I'm so sorry.", my eyes began to water.

Mrs T. grabbed my hand, "I know what happened wasn't your fault. But why Mercedes? Why did this happen? We're you involved in something? Was he involved in something?"

I looked into Mrs T's pleading eyes, "I-I don't know, I've done a lot of shit but everything was unexpected. And I do believe this is my fault. I know I didn't pull the trigger but they were after me. Mrs T, I'm so sorry."

"Look we've heard enough of your apologies, my son is dead because of the bullshit you got yourself in. No sorry can change that." Zions dad said.

Anger began to arise in me after hearing those words coming from a man that has done nothing but abuse his family.

This wasn't the time or place for drama though, everyone was experiencing their grief through different levels and I didn't want to undermine that.

So instead of saying what I was thinking I walked out  of the room we were in. Making my way back through the crowd of people.

Before I reached the front door, I noticed Aamoni engulfed in Jah's arms. He look to be comforting her while she was crying.

I couldn't help but overthink what I was seeing. Jah and Moni never been this close before so it was surprising to see them interact like this. I peeped it at the hospital too but I didn't think much of it.

I so badly wanted to address them but there's a time and a place for everything. This wasn't neither.

So I left, without speaking to anyone else. once I got into my car, I sat there pondering everything I've done. This has become a habit of mine lately.

I was about to spark a blunt but I stopped. I've been smoking a shit ton of weed these last few days but it hasn't done anything for me.

I was numb.

Numb to pain, happiness, drugs, etc. Nothing felt right.

I was disassociated, everything around me seemed like it was a world away.

Have I taken the wrong path?

Anybody could tell me that what I was doing, the path that I was taking wasn't going to lead to anything but more death and prison.

I knew that when I went to Chief, I knew I was signing up for something that would change me and everything I've hoped for.

I just didn't think it would be this drastic.

I was okay with the robbing, doing drops and selling drugs. I was okay with leaving school to make money. However, hearing that the man I was working for was a rapist and that he killed my mother flipped a switch that didn't know I had.

I've always had this anger inside me, ever since my mother was murdered. I would have temper tantrums over the smallest inconvenience. Then, I smoked my first blunt. It didn't take away the anger but it kept me mellow. The temper tantrums would still occur but not so frequently.

With the help of weed and my best friends, I kept focus of my biggest goal. To succeed in everything I do until I reach a point in life where I could simply enjoy it. That dream seemed so far away now.

There would be times where I cried myself to sleep because of how angry I was. The world took away the most important person in my life. It's destroyed me and my dad.

The first year after my moms death was spent in a deep depression. My dad was glued to his bed, if he wasn't working he was sleeping. I was doing everything on my own.

Sometimes Zion and Moni would come help. They made some of the bad days a little less bad.

When my dad finally got over his depression, he woke up one day and took me out. We went to a basketball game, to the movies, and out to eat. There was no mention of the past year that we've had. I didn't care though, I was just happy to have my dad back.

Sometimes I blame my dad for my anger. He left me to grieve all by myself. He didn't teach how to use my grief in positive way so I chose my own way.

I was never given an outlet for my anger. So it has just sat in the deep depths of my chest. Waiting to exert itself onto something and it was never pretty when it did.

This past year has changed everything. The two people I was happy with were gone and it was my fault. My dad was disappointed in me. I dropped out of school, killed people, and etc.

Yet all the guilt I feel from the things I have done wrong is still overshadowed by the anger of losing my mother.

There wasn't anything I could think of that would help me get over the overwhelming feeling of anger.

Except avenging my mothers death. Killing the man that was responsible for the anger within me.

My hands were itching to make him pay but a part of wondered if that would satisfy me enough.